Too much for one person

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Deadduck12

New member
Joined
May 17, 2016
Messages
1
#1
Hi,
Okay so im new to this site but i feel like at the moment this may be the only place i can let it all out.

I am 24, and an only child living at home with my parents. My parents love me but have a very difficult relationship with each other. Because of meddling family members and distrust my father is emotionally abusive to my mother-which seems like an ongoing passive punishment for something he thinks she did. She is very sad and very alone, and tbh, so is he.

They fight alot, and have been on the brink of a breakup for as long as i can remember. During this time, i have always been my mothers confidante. She talks to me about everything, including all her worries and fears about my father. For a while this was fine, and I had managed to find ways of coping, but now I'm finding it very very difficult to deal with everything.
My mother has no one else in her life, if they break up I will have to pick up the pieces. But i dont know how to do this. I feel broken amd weak myself.

I am a medical student with tons of pressure because of exams. I feel like getting through medical school is the only way of easing the financial pressure my parents are under, its the only way out. So failure is not an option.

Because of cultural reasons, I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been. I am afraid that I will.remain single forever because I am too afraid to risk being with someone outside my cultural background, and there is no one within the culture I know. This is both added pressure, and it means that I dont have anyone to talk to as I dont feel comfortable sharing this with my friends. As I am only child, I have no one to lean on. And find myself feeling like I am drowning.

I do not see my parents relationship improving, and I cant cope with it alone. Being my mother's confidante, trying to pass exams, knowing that my mother has nobody else, not being able to disassociate from.my father as it will crush him, it is all too much. I don't know what to do.

I understand that this isnt the biggest problem in the world, and there are people on here that have it far far worse. But im.struggling right now and didn't know where else to turn.
 
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Myheadhurts

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2016
Messages
114
#2
Deadduck12, I am so sorry for what your going through. I've never really had a problem like that long term, because in my family I was normally the one needing help. For some people it really helps to write their problems down so maybe you could suggest her keeping a journal of her hardships but adding at least one good thing at the end so it is not despairing. If she does that before she talks to you maybe at least she'll have processed things more instead of raw emotion. At the end of the day she might want to get rid of the page but at least its a way to express feelings without adding a burden on someone else. She might even want to join a forum.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#3
Deadduck, you have become your parents parent, which is an unnatural position at this stage of life. In your culture it may be that you have to take on this responsibility. But in my culture it's best to strike out on your own and let your parents deal with their relationship by themselves. It has not really been very fair of your mother to burden you with her problems. Or at least it's not healthy. It sounds to me like you are enmeshed with your parents and are denying the possibility of having a relationship of your own. I have a 22 year relationship with a man who was not of my ethnic background and we engage in independent thinking.
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,749
Location
Europe
#4
Hi deadduck12, I think you supporting your mother is a good thing. She should be bearing her part of the pressure, but in the end family is there to support eachother. Being between parents who might split up is never easy, but I would say don't neglect your relationship with your father. A neutral position is best, and less pressure for you.

Second it sounds like you need to build up your support network a bit more. Spend time with your friends, try to deepen those relationships, find people you trust. Medical school is very time consuming and stressful, but try to get in some quality time for hobbies and activities you enjoy. It's important to let off some steam.

Lastly in terms of finding a partner, if you want someone from your culture is there nobody you can turn to as a go-between, someone to make introductions for you? Maybe an aunt or uncle or cousin who is well connected in your community? Or perhaps you can find someone like this through your spiritual faith? My parents ended up going to a faith-based mixer party, met there and got married a few years later.
 
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nounandnoun

Guest
#5
Hi Deadduck,

I'm afraid I don't have any good advice but I wanted to say that I really feel for you. You're under so much pressure it's palpable in your message. You sound like a very kind and thoughtful person who is being stretched to snapping point, I hope you are able to find some space for yourself soon, don't be afraid of being "selfish" and taking some time away from all your responsibilities, really it's just selfpreservation and self care, noone can cope with so much pressure without some space for themselves too. I wish you all the best, hopefully someone with more insight into your situation will find your message and send you some better advice.

Take care of yourself!
 

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