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Too much anger

Maya J

Maya J

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Nov 12, 2010
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London UK
I feel so much anger these days, I can barely contain it. I try to not lash out but I have shouted in my family house. To people my anger comes out as sarcasm and sly remarks. I am finding hard to control it all, there is so much anger there, waiting to fly out.

There are so many loose ends, things to tie up, to resolve, things I want to say but can't.
I have a few issues I am working on with a great therapist.

But the main issue is that I was recently in a relationship where the person was controlling and I'm not sure how much 'abuse' took place, I am sure it ensued from both sides, but it was unhealthy, I lost a lot of confidence, it really affected me and my sense of self. I am angry I let this experience happen. My ego is very bruised to put it lightly.

I am still at the stage of rage and grief, and I still need more time I guess. I am still in a confused stage where I don't know everything that happened yet and how he affected me, because it is still too soon after the break up (for me anyway, it was in August). I'm trying to see clearly but still am in a whirlwind of emotion, and emotions don't always help you see clearly i think.

I don't want to play the victim but I feel what he did to me was unjust and he is pathetic and insecure and brought out the worst from me. I hope to laugh about this all one day, regain my sense of self and well-being. I wasted years with this guy, where he made me dependent on him and weakened me to control me so that whenever i tried to leave, he could easily reel me back in. It's also my own problems but I got obsessed with the relationship even though I knew it wasn't good.

Right now I want to kill him, I think of revenge every day, it's the only thing that will satisfy me right now. I can't and won't contact him because of the effect he has on my mind. It will be only safe when I will be immune to him.

What do i do with all this anger? I don't want it to spin out of control here. I either will fly into a rage or will coldly calculate an awful vengeance. Maybe I should just let karma do the work.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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I spent 10 years of my life like you describe so know where you are coming from. I have moved on now (It was about 15 years ago). It was difficult, I wished ill upon him and wished I could have got away sooner, he sapped everything that was good or nice or worthy out of me. These people are bullies in the strongest form. It'll take a while to move on but promise you you will get there and rebuild yourself and your persona. It makes me angry that we had to go through this too (still). I would let karma do it's worst, don;t seek revenge it will only make you worse (more ill I mean).

I know it won't be quick to rebuild your life, but it'll be worth it - sorry you had to go through this

KS
xxx
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Hi Maya J, I can relate with you. I was involved with someone who I thought was controlling and possessive and it was the most destructive place in my life. For me personally I had to maintain no contact and by the grace of God I got out of it. I am far from healed over it but am in recovery from alcohol and drug misuse which has allowed me to recognise that the blame doesn't lie with my ex, but what part I had to play in it which I am discovering by doing a thorough personal and moral inventory. I empathise with your anger and hope you find the strength to work through it. Keep connected on here; there is a lot of support. Know in yourself you have made the right decision to be out of this relationship.
 
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prairiechick

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No wonder you have so much rage inside of you. I am sorry you went through such a terrible relationship. Although I haven't been in that kind of situation, I do know what it's like to feel so much anger and rage filling up your whole body. I went through a period of intense sobbing out loud, throwing things against the wall, shouting and screaming, and smashing dishes on the floor. It's not possible to keep inside such intense rage. If you do, it will hurt you in so many ways. Do you have a place where you could smash cheap dishes from a thrift store? With each dish that you smash you could shout out one thing that makes you so angry, and then just sweep up when you're done. Or if you are at all creative you could do some angry art to express your feelings that way. Or burn any photos you may have of your ex. I hope this helps.
 
N

Nicola398

Guest
I feel so much anger these days, I can barely contain it. I try to not lash out but I have shouted in my family house. To people my anger comes out as sarcasm and sly remarks. I am finding hard to control it all, there is so much anger there, waiting to fly out.

There are so many loose ends, things to tie up, to resolve, things I want to say but can't.
I have a few issues I am working on with a great therapist.

But the main issue is that I was recently in a relationship where the person was controlling and I'm not sure how much 'abuse' took place, I am sure it ensued from both sides, but it was unhealthy, I lost a lot of confidence, it really affected me and my sense of self. I am angry I let this experience happen. My ego is very bruised to put it lightly.

I am still at the stage of rage and grief, and I still need more time I guess. I am still in a confused stage where I don't know everything that happened yet and how he affected me, because it is still too soon after the break up (for me anyway, it was in August). I'm trying to see clearly but still am in a whirlwind of emotion, and emotions don't always help you see clearly i think.

I don't want to play the victim but I feel what he did to me was unjust and he is pathetic and insecure and brought out the worst from me. I hope to laugh about this all one day, regain my sense of self and well-being. I wasted years with this guy, where he made me dependent on him and weakened me to control me so that whenever i tried to leave, he could easily reel me back in. It's also my own problems but I got obsessed with the relationship even though I knew it wasn't good.

Right now I want to kill him, I think of revenge every day, it's the only thing that will satisfy me right now. I can't and won't contact him because of the effect he has on my mind. It will be only safe when I will be immune to him.

What do i do with all this anger? I don't want it to spin out of control here. I either will fly into a rage or will coldly calculate an awful vengeance. Maybe I should just let karma do the work.
I had the same trouble but with family causing me to be dependent and helpless.I lost my power and they were really deliberately abusive and trying to hurt me.I identified they are narcissists.
I have found a great deal of healing of the hurt and anger with NARP a recovery program for those who have suffered narcissistic abuse from partners or family.Take a look and see if it helps you as much as it helps me.Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Self-Empowerment : Melanie Tonia Evans
The anger can be immense,ultimately we have to end the anger and disconnect totally from the focus being on the narcissist and bring our energy,attention and focus back on ourselves to heal our past and present wounds.It costs a small amount of money to do the NARP recovery program online but honest it is money well spent!I hope you will recover and heal very soon Maya.Best wishes.NicolaX
 
Maya J

Maya J

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Thanks guys.
I am doing things about my rage. I scream in a pillow and that helps a lot. I will try smashing old plates. I do want to tell others about him though, especially people we both know. but I don't want further trouble either. I want him dead, but that's not going to happen.

But I feel more together already, and have my life more on track.

This experience taught me why I attracted this kind of person and experience and what i have in myself to work on. I can't be forever angry that I let this happen.

Always have to see the good in all things.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Sorry to hear about your crap experiences. :hug1:

Similar to you and others here, i've had a lot of involvement with a man who was no good for me whatsoever.
I loved him a lot, but unfortunately that made me choose to turn a blind eye to his behaviour, even though I knew deep down at the time that it making me feel like rubbish.
I think having held in all the resentment in hopes of being "good" and "lovable", once I finally acknowledged the unpleasant side to him it seemed all the anger came out at once.

My word of advice is that you need to accept (if you haven't already) that people like him will never acknowledge their own behaviour and will never apologise. Abusive/narcissistic people are skilled at making things 'your fault'.

I think validation is key, and whilst you won't get any validation from him, if you can find someone that can listen and back you up you might start to feel better.

Also, I listened to a lot of empowering music to help shift some of my anger.

It takes a lot of time, so don't ever feel you "should" be feeling differently. x
 
Maya J

Maya J

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Messages
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London UK
I went to see a spiritual healer. It really worked for me. I think it depends how long it takes to recover. I feel I'm a lot better already. I don't think he was a narcissist, he was just a sad lost soul who wasn't worth my time. People who damage others will get damaged too in return.

I'm not a victim and I'm not going to give him power by being so affected. Most of the problems are in the mind. If I acknowledge what happened, but not dwell on them I'll be fine. Also I learnt that you don't have to let others make you feel a certain way. No one can really make you feel anything. The only one who makes things harder or feel tortured is yourself. It's not what the situation is, it is how you react to it.

And if you do react strongly, apart from it being a normal reaction it also shows you have some old wounds to heal. The feelings a present relationship can trigger are mostly old unfinished traumas.

This guy was just a compass in directing me to what issues I had to face. What lessons I had to learn.

You can get through anything. Turn anything into a lesson. It will only make me better in the long run.

Feeling a lot better. I recommend spiritual healing as well to anyone who is interested. It takes away a lot of negative crap when you find it hard to get rid of it yourself.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Spiritual healing has done a lot for me too.
Am delighted to hear that you're feeling better and you sound a lot stronger too. :hug:
 
Maya J

Maya J

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Hi guys. I've realized that I was the one with a lot of narcissistic traits. In fact, once I spotted lots of behaviours I didn't like in my ex, instead of leaving I became nasty. I became possessive, bossy, controlling, fearful, and said horrible things to him and put him down. We both treated each other badly. I am not the sole victim. If anything I was abusive. Because I resented his manipulation? What can I do? It is horrible to see this side of me I have denied. I am not innocent.

Why did he bring it out of me? If I disliked him why did I stay and act so horrid? It was so detrimental. Where can I go for help for this?

Please no mean comments. Thanks :)
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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And if you do react strongly, apart from it being a normal reaction it also shows you have some old wounds to heal. The feelings a present relationship can trigger are mostly old unfinished traumas.
I have often found this to be the case, once I have calmed down enough to assess how much I'm reacting to a current situation and how much to old traumas that it brings up for me.

Hi guys. I've realized that I was the one with a lot of narcissistic traits. In fact, once I spotted lots of behaviours I didn't like in my ex, instead of leaving I became nasty. I became possessive, bossy, controlling, fearful, and said horrible things to him and put him down. We both treated each other badly. I am not the sole victim. If anything I was abusive. Because I resented his manipulation? What can I do? It is horrible to see this side of me I have denied. I am not innocent.

Why did he bring it out of me? If I disliked him why did I stay and act so horrid? It was so detrimental. Where can I go for help for this?

Please no mean comments. Thanks :)
Hey it's good you're able to see more that there was fault on both sides, it's hard to get a balanced view of interpersonal things I find, especially when emotions have been heightened, and when perhaps you've come from a place where primal relationships in your life (I mean with parents in my case) have not been healthy and nurturing. It takes courage to be honest with yourself as well, so well done. I've had psychodynamic psychotherapy to help with these sort of issues, initially on the NHS, but now privately as it's not offered any more here (it depends where you live, but it's not commonly available now, as it's a long term treatment, and shorter treatments are often all that's available nowadays I believe). Your GP would be the first port of call to see if anything is available on the NHS, and you would probably only get it if referred on to a psychiatric team, unless it is a short course of counselling which I wouldn't have thought would be suitable (sorry if I'm telling you stuff you already know). Some private therapists offer a sliding scale of fees depending on your income if you are unable to afford full rates. It's important to find one that has the correct qualifications and training and is a member of a professional body, so you would need to check this out. In my experience the first therapist you try may not be the right person to help you, and it's worth persevering to find someone who 'clicks', and understands your issues, and has an approach that will suit you. There are various 'brands' of therapy that could help, not just psychodynamic, and it's often said that it's not so much the type of therapy but the quality of the relationship between client and therapist that's most important.

If you are not a fan of talking therapy, there are other things you could look into like reading around the subject of relationships maybe, and how traumas can affect how you relate to people, but therapy has been the most effective thing for me, and it's what I know most about. Maybe others will have other suggestions. Good luck with it all :peace:
 
Maya J

Maya J

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Thanks AliceinWonderland.

Yes I do come from a dysfunctional family, who were not always healthy or nurturing (inconsistent) and I STILL have to deal with them, I am still trying to get my independence from them at 26. It is hard. There is a lot of narcissism and I don't have an easy relationship with my stepfather, he doesn't get me and always thinks he's right. He's been hard on me and my mother since I was a kid. He still thinks I am a child. He needs help and doesn't want to get it. He is in denial, and I can't believe I was raised by such a stupid man. My mother is weak towards him. It is not a good dynamic. At least I have a great biological father who understands my needs, without him I'd be worse.

I'm trying to live my own life and gain my own power. A lot of things come from this. I need to get away and heal. I want to be happy and have a good life.
 
Maya J

Maya J

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Did you do psychodynamic therapy? Is that for interpersonal issues?
 
Maya J

Maya J

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If psychodynamic is for interpersonal problems I will do that. Thank you for the suggestion. Sorry for the personal question.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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No it's fine, yes it was psychodynamic psychotherapy I had on the NHS (many years ago now), and I'm seeing the same sort of therapist again privately now. I wouldn't say it's specifically for interpersonal problems, I suppose the scope of things it can address is pretty broad, but it looks at things in terms of how your past history affects your present, and yes in my case has helped me understand how I relate to people and relationships, as well as how I see myself and to understand my own behaviour and feelings. It was due to depression that I was first referred for it, (well, a bipolar diagnosis, but depression was my main symptom) and perhaps the fact I'd suffered abuse and trauma from a young age.

It sounds like we have had a similar family dynamic. My father was very harsh and controlling, and my mother passive and distant.

Maya J said:
I'm trying to live my own life and gain my own power. A lot of things come from this. I need to get away and heal. I want to be happy and have a good life.
Good for you, I'm sure you will find a way that will help you achieve this, you sound like you really want that. Healing is possible, and well worth working at. All the best to you :hug:
 
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