Tokophobia- PLEASE help me.

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DancingWind

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#1
I have a very strange problem. I am terrified of the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. What makes it worse is that I adore children. I am the sort of person who will always babysit happily, who will peek into every baby buggy on the street, and play with kids endlessly.I know it will haunt me all my life if I decide not to have children. But the idea of carrying and birthing a child terrifies me as much as the idea of not having a baby of my own. Am I making sense?

But more than even pregnancy, the idea of a vaginal birth makes me want to die. I hate the idea of being in pain for an uncertain amount of time(labor can take anything between 2 to 72 hours).
I hate the idea of losing my dignity, being spread open with strangers coming in and checking me. I hate the idea of pooping while pushing the baby out. I hate the idea of being so vulnerable and out of control. And the thought of having a male doctor checking me is just disgusting. I start to sweat and shake when I think about forceps. So many things make pregnancy terrifying for me. I hate the idea of my body being taken over and having no control over it. I've always battled weight issues (I'm not obese, not even plump, but even if I starve myself I never look thin. Basically, I can never be seen in a bikini in public. I'm OK with that, but I don't like the idea of putting on all that weight, because for me, weight gain is so instant but it takes me ages to get rid of it).
I would somehow, never be able to step out of the house with a bulging belly. I know this sounds awful, but I find pregnant bodies ugly and revolting. (So sorry to be this offensive)
The idea of never going back to my current weight , which I work so hard to maintain is sickening. I have been overweight once , and I never want to go there again. Never.
I am petrified of the after-effects of childbirth. This is probably my biggest fear. I know so many women who have had incontinence, fistulas, lax vaginal muscles and vaginal prolapse after childbirth. I know its not that common, but we cant deny that it is a possibility. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
All people say is, how selfish and superficial I am, how I'll change my mind when I'm older, how stupid I'm being. But I can't seem to get over this. Every time I see a baby, I look at how big his/her head is, and wonder if I can ever push something like that out. I can't even look at pregnant women.
Perhaps a c section would make me feel a little better, but when I mention it people look at me like I'm crazy. Besides I've been told doctors will just laugh if you ask for one and not allow it. This makes me feel even worse.
I feel ill thinking about being pregnant and then being denied a c section.
Besides I have a condition that makes my periods very painful and uncomfortable(I faint sometimes), and it makes me think that labor will kill me.
What can I do? I know adoption is an option, but what if the person I'm married to wants biological children?
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
Hiya Dancing Wind and :welcome: to the forum

Actually, its not that rare for women to think like this. How old are you? You sound quite young. there is so much you are afraid of here, and I cannot go through everything logically with you, but I would say to you that you approach this the same way that people who are afraid of flying do. First you need to find a person who can be your therapist and that is not easy! You could start with your GP and maybe they could introduce you to someone who could help in this. What needs to happen is a desensitising of your phobia, and gradually overcoming all the fears and worries.

CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is not good for everything, but for this, it could be perfect for you. Your GP can help you here, but if you want longer therapy, you may have to find a way to pay for it. If you are not planning anything yet, then save up slowly and get enough to have a course of treatment. These sorts of fears can be overcome and are amongst some of the easiest ones once the right therapy is given. I am not an expert of course, so ask the GP and don't be embarrassed, Write down bullet points to say and explain. If you don't want to go down that route then find a therapist yourself, but ensure they are BAC or BACAP accreditted - that means they are properly trained.

Best of luck xx
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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#3
Hiya welcome to the site.

:welcome:
 
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OneWorriedHusband

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#4
DancingWind: I got some good advice here so maybe I can give a few words in return:

...But more than even pregnancy, the idea of a vaginal birth makes me want to die. I hate the idea of being in pain for an uncertain amount of time(labor can take anything between 2 to 72 hours). I hate the idea of losing my dignity, being spread open with strangers coming in and checking me. I hate the idea of pooping while pushing the baby out. I hate the idea of being so vulnerable and out of control. And the thought of having a male doctor checking me is just disgusting. I start to sweat and shake when I think about forceps.
That's an easy one: elective caesarian.

So many things make pregnancy terrifying for me. I hate the idea of my body being taken over and having no control over it. I've always battled weight issues (I'm not obese, not even plump, but even if I starve myself I never look thin. Basically, I can never be seen in a bikini in public. I'm OK with that, but I don't like the idea of putting on all that weight, because for me, weight gain is so instant but it takes me ages to get rid of it). I would somehow, never be able to step out of the house with a bulging belly. I know this sounds awful, but I find pregnant bodies ugly and revolting. (So sorry to be this offensive) The idea of never going back to my current weight , which I work so hard to maintain is sickening. I have been overweight once , and I never want to go there again. Never.
I'm just a guy so don't take my word for it. But being pregnant is a wonderful experience. Do take my word on this though: a pregant woman is beautiful.

I am petrified of the after-effects of childbirth. This is probably my biggest fear. I know so many women who have had incontinence, fistulas, lax vaginal muscles and vaginal prolapse after childbirth. I know its not that common, but we cant deny that it is a possibility. Just thinking about it makes me cry. All people say is, how selfish and superficial I am, how I'll change my mind when I'm older, how stupid I'm being. But I can't seem to get over this. Every time I see a baby, I look at how big his/her head is, and wonder if I can ever push something like that out. I can't even look at pregnant women.Perhaps a c section would make me feel a little better, but when I mention it people look at me like I'm crazy. Besides I've been told doctors will just laugh if you ask for one and not allow it. This makes me feel even worse. I feel ill thinking about being pregnant and then being denied a c section.
You're getting too worried about this. You should start by talking to female friends and relatives, and then move on to your GP. Also do some research on "too posh to push".

Besides I have a condition that makes my periods very painful and uncomfortable(I faint sometimes), and it makes me think that labor will kill me. What can I do? I know adoption is an option, but what if the person I'm married to wants biological children?
You should assume that you too will want biological children, so you should do the research on a c-section. My wife had one, not intentionally, and I was there. It wasn't that bad actually. Besides, natural childbirth is an ordeal, but most women go through it, so you should do the research on that too. Talk to other women with children. And remember: there's always risks with anything that you do, but you don't refuse to drive a car in case you're involved in a head-on collision. You weigh the risks instead of dwelling upon them and letting fear rule your life.
 
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DancingWind

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#5
Thank you all for the warm welcome:)

Oneworriedhusband:
Thanks a lot for your reply.
As a matter of fact getting a man's opinion on this and having you say that a pregnant woman is beautiful was lovely.
Thanks also for not judging and giving me a long lecture on how awful c sections are! I have done some research on c section v/s vaginal birth and I would infinitely prefer the former. Lets hope that when the time comes, I can manage to find a sympathetic doctor!
 
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OneWorriedHusband

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#6
A pleasure, DancingWind. Do find about this now though, like you've started to by posting here, and don't let fear of the birth ordeal spill over into a fear of being pregnant. I don't know if you can access this article featuring Myleene Klass, but she's radiant, she's blooming, she's happy. When you're pregnant your lips are fuller, your hair thicker, your skin softer. The connective tissues in your body get softer too, and lots more. Next time you're feeling particularly unhappy about the prospect of having a baby, remind yourself that if it was that bad, you'd be seeing a lot of women out there with only one child. You don't. It really is a wonderful experience for a woman. Fulfilling even, if that's the right word. Don't miss out on it.
 
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Apotheosis

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#7
I have a female friend who felt like being pregnant was like having a parasite growing inside her - she hated it - Not everyone thinks it's great & wonderful. If some women don't want babies - then that's not a bad thing - there are far far too many people as it is.
 
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lozzer31

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Hi I always thought it was a phase I'd grow out of it at least I got told by family and friends but as time went on i still felt the same and randomly read an article in a magazine and it was the there i no longer felt alone or weird and it had a name that no one I knew herd of. :( I got older everyone starts having kids and I still haven't, turning 30 this year been with my partner for 4 years I know he wants kids I've been at least thinking about it more but when we randomly got pregnant I freaked out and had an abortion, he was brilliant there all the way with me and till this day i regret doing that and never again was so horrible I hated it got an infection felt like it went on for months. I thought I could face me fear and act normal 'it's natural' xx I want kids I'm good with kids everyone says I'd be a natural but maybe it does seem come back to losing my mum at the age of 4 I don't know?? Gps and councillors always say it goes back to my mum dying xx I just feel I'm messing with my partners head and scared of not giving him what he wants essentially and you always wanted to give everything to the ones you love xxxx
 
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lozzer31

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#9
I felt like this very much so specially when I was alot younger x always thought paracite something living off me?! I used to get all clammy and even was sick on one of my friends when she said touch my belly. So came to conclusion all my cousins were having kids, world's over populated as it is. But as I'm getting older it feels like I'm thinking/overthinking worrying about it more that I should just do it or regret it???
 
Seachad

Seachad

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#10
It's your right to determine whether you want biological children or not. Period.
If your eventual husband/partner winds-up wanting biological children, it's always possible that you and he can explore the possibility of contracting a surrogate to carry the child. Or you may change your mind, in time. Or he may simply have to accept that it isn't going to happen.
The doctors said that my (now ex) wife shouldn't have children, for medical reasons. So we didn't have any. Granted, we divorced later, but that had nothing whatever to do with having or not having biological children. We divorced for quite different reasons. Yes, adoption's a possibility. So is fostering. Or a surrogate. Or, yes, you may change your mind, in time. But that doesn't mean you're obligated to do so. If your eventual mate/husband/partner is worth a thin damn, he'll respect your anxieties and wishes regarding carrying a child. If not, I'd suggest he won't be worth bothering with.

Wishing you well, whatever happens, and whatever you do eventually decide.
 
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lozzer31

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yep your right, anxiety & pressure of getting older always told my self I'd have an age cut off point to have kids 30 now it's 32 lol. I know I over think and I am my own worst enemy so I guess what will be will be xx really appreciate your words, honesty
 
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