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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Today is my birthday.

Soladwor

Soladwor

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Earth
I can't lie to you all and say that today's a happy day.
I dwell on all the years wasted due to the severe social anxiety.
When I tell doctors, physicians, psychologists about it, none of them understand just how severe this condition can become. Most think it's a walk in the park to manage, that it's not a big deal and that I should just take a few breaths.

I honestly didn't want to live this long like this. Wasting most of my time sitting in front of a computer screen, in my little comfort bubble of delusion. It's pathetic. I should be working on my social skills instead. But how can I work on my social skills? how can I make friends when I'm this old? I'm in my mid-late twenties today, where the hell do I go to meet people? Aside from meeting people I also don't want to act or sound like a child, because yes, my social intelligence is that low. I fear of being judged, rejected, saying stupid shit. I think this is the result of being alone for so long, not having a relationship, a partner who you can talk to, share your life with. I've had one true relationship back in high school that ended with the girl of my dreams tonguing one of my friends from school one day. I don't even blame her for this. We were going out nearly every single day for months! and I didn't even make any moves on her. The PTSD from the social anxiety has made me feel like a nobody, like I don't fit in with anybody. I still feel this way. Like I'm just not good enough. Nowadays I don't even try to get into any sort of relationships. I gave up on trying to meet people. I feel like a bother to all of them. I don't want to live to be 60 and bitch about living like this. Thinking of what could've been. We only get one life. The fact that I'm a fit, healthy human-being should be enough to get my life back on track, and yet I still feel like I don't want to exist. Too much time has passed. Too many opportunities were wasted.

I feel and truly believe that I'm mainly still here on this earth exclusively to help and support my parents, as they've never stopped caring and loving me. They don't deserve to find out their child committed suicide. I could never do this to them. I could never justify them having to identify my body. They are the reason I'm still here and breathing. But I lost my overall spark, my happiness because I feel like I've achieved nothing that's important in life, other than passing the academics. I'm also unemployed, have zero relationships, have ridiculously low self-esteem and self worth. Every time I try to meet, get to know a person, I get this vibe that they think I'm better than them or that I seem uninterested in what they're saying, or that I'm mad or that I hate them because my neutral face expression may seem a bit sad/angry at times.

I'm seeing a therapist to fix this thinking. But talking to a therapist is like talking to a wall. I just don't know what else to do at this stage of my life. I was contemplating leaving everything behind, moving to India and become a Buddhist monk. I love to meditate, I have nothing but peace to most people as well as the world. The problem is that I feel like nobody else can see this in me, and this in turn bothers me greatly because I want people to like my presence and see that I'm standing for the good in life. I've spent great amounts of days trying to be liked by people. Being fake. Acting like a clown just to be liked and fit in with whatever group of people I was trying to impress. I just recently realized that this was the most toxic, most cancerous behavior and thinking possible. By doing this, I was slowly killing my own true self.

I guess this is just a rant.
 
Talina

Talina

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
1,523
Location
Sweden
You still have time to find friends that will be true to you. Myself don’t have a big friend circle but I have one that aren’t that good but the rest is good. I can be my silly self and not be mature. But I adapt after my friends if I need to be more mature or just being my childish self.

What is being mature and all adult like, I just think we imagine a certain way is correct. But when I see my older brothers running to disney world, jumping around with rabbit onsies and being totally childish even though they are nearing 40 years old. It gives me a bit more confident to be myself a little more among the people I let into my circle. My older brothers often encourage me to be myself and like the things I like, I’m in my early twenties. There are no reason for me to change at least that what they tell me.

There are times to act, putting up the mask but when it’s relaxing it should be putted down. Social aniexty make me put up a wall towards my friends and the self-esteem don’t help building relationship. It’s a struggle.

But I’ve learned that putting down or at least trying to not let my thinking take over. I will at least give the people around me a chance to get a little bit closer while giving myself a chance to know them. Turned out I was pushing away the people around me and never gave them a chance to get close. Even though they was trying to break down my walls and become a friend with me. I didn’t let them get close to be able to become a friend. Which is a defense mechanism from my part.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
6,638
Location
Sheffield
Seeing as happiness isn't something you're feeling lately I'll just send you my best wishes for your birthday today.

I was very similar to you, few friends, low self esteem and unemployed for so long but something happened to me at the age of 36, I began to hear voices and was diagnosed with psychosis and although the experience was terrible for me the road to recovery has been an interesting and enjoyable journey.

I started out going to every social event my mental health team was organising, I joined this forum, a Facebook group for voice hearers and a men's mental health group in my area and I've been making new friends, more than I could possibly imagine, there might even be love a little further down the road.

So things can change in the most unexpected ways, between the age of 21 and 36 was quite a dull time for me but now I'm 40 things are really starting to warm up so you never know when your golden age may come.

So I hope you can hold on, weather the storm that is depression and perhaps even use it to your advantage like I have my psychosis.

Take good care of yourself.
 
A

Am33

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
382
Location
Fiji
I feel what you are going through , but happiness isn't found outside yourself even if you meet the perfect person you just be happy for a short time it wouldn't lasting .That's where the old saying the honeymoons over came from. Mediating is great cause you are going within , but you have to add looking at your psych to the mix also . Going to therapy to look at your limiting beliefs , raising your awareness books , looking at your beliefs , youtube videos on therapy to studying quantum physics even , positive affirmations etc... You are in a great position to do this now . Its not easy you have to be dedicated takes time but your life will so much better . Happy Birthday
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
Hello Soladwor and welcome to the forum. I wish you a happy belated birthday. I am really sorry to hear how low you are feeling. When you say your therapist is like talking to a wall it makes me wonder if you do not have the right therapist? A good therapist gives feedback and an insight into how we feel.

Social anxiety is a very debilitating condition and I am sorry you are struggling with it. It is hard to reach out to people when we feel so bad about ourselves. You may not have many friends or a relationship now but this does not mean you will not have those things in the future. When you say you should be working on your social skills, I believe a good therapist will help you with that. It is hard for us to just know how to do something we find difficult and scary.

I am glad you have joined this forum. You deserve support and you will find a lot of people can relate to how you feel.
 
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