- Jun 10, 2021
Hi, I’m a 18 year old girl, and I’ve been having this thought, “what if I’m a boy?” I’ve been having this thought for a year and a half now and I can’t make it go away. I’ve had obsessive thoughts in the past, “what if I’m a lesbian?” or “what if I like girls?” But with those thoughts they weren’t as bad as this thought I have now and I’ve always liked boys and knew I wasn’t a lesbian but still had those thoughts which are gone now. It all started when I had a dream about my celebrity crush being transgender (female to male) when in real life he wasn’t. This sacred the hell out of me, then I just had this random thought pop into my head, “what if I wanted to be transgender?” This lasted for about a year, then I thought if I wanted to be transgender then that means I want to be a boy, Then it stemmed to “what if I wanted to be a boy?”, that lasted for about 5 months, then one day I randomly thought if I wanted to be a boy that means, I’m a boy. Then that’s when the thought “what if I’m a boy” popped into my head and hasn’t left ever since. I’ve tried everything to get rid of it, it won’t go away, I’ve never had thoughts about my gender identity before or thoughts of me being a boy EVER! I’ve always identified as a girl and never even been confused on it ever. I just want to be my old self again, I can’t think, it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, I used to be this happy girly girl, and now I’m this depressed girl who can’t even think straight, I feel like I’m going crazy and feel like this isn’t real and one day I’ll wake up and this is a dream, I need help, I get suicidal and think if I kill myself I’ll be free of this. I want to tell someone and go to a doctor but I’m a scared of telling someone, cos I know this thought is wrong and I just don’t want to think this anymore, I need it to STOP! Can anyone help me or give me advice please!