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Becca_galla

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Australia
Hi, I’m a 18 year old girl, and I’ve been having this thought, “what if I’m a boy?” I’ve been having this thought for a year and a half now and I can’t make it go away. I’ve had obsessive thoughts in the past, “what if I’m a lesbian?” or “what if I like girls?” But with those thoughts they weren’t as bad as this thought I have now and I’ve always liked boys and knew I wasn’t a lesbian but still had those thoughts which are gone now. It all started when I had a dream about my celebrity crush being transgender (female to male) when in real life he wasn’t. This sacred the hell out of me, then I just had this random thought pop into my head, “what if I wanted to be transgender?” This lasted for about a year, then I thought if I wanted to be transgender then that means I want to be a boy, Then it stemmed to “what if I wanted to be a boy?”, that lasted for about 5 months, then one day I randomly thought if I wanted to be a boy that means, I’m a boy. Then that’s when the thought “what if I’m a boy” popped into my head and hasn’t left ever since. I’ve tried everything to get rid of it, it won’t go away, I’ve never had thoughts about my gender identity before or thoughts of me being a boy EVER! I’ve always identified as a girl and never even been confused on it ever. I just want to be my old self again, I can’t think, it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, I used to be this happy girly girl, and now I’m this depressed girl who can’t even think straight, I feel like I’m going crazy and feel like this isn’t real and one day I’ll wake up and this is a dream, I need help, I get suicidal and think if I kill myself I’ll be free of this. I want to tell someone and go to a doctor but I’m a scared of telling someone, cos I know this thought is wrong and I just don’t want to think this anymore, I need it to STOP! Can anyone help me or give me advice please!
 
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T E_90

Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
20
Location
__
I can hypothesize that having dreamed of your celebrity (which is a male if I understood) becoming a female, it means that somehow your brain has given you easier "access" to this person, because you, being a girl, identify yourself more easily with one of the same sex as you, giving you the idea that in this way it's easier to understand each other. Or more simply unconsciously you would like to be him, not because you are a lesbian but because you have had a crush, and the unconscious in dreams is not controllable.
I'm not an expert but this is just my opinion.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't think about suicide for this things, hormones play tricks during adolescence and I think they could also create confusions. Try talk to a therapist if you really feel the need.
Tomorrow you could wake up and think it in another way, very likely indeed.
I hope you feel better and try calm down.
 
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Felicity

Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
15
Location
France
Hi Becca, i don’t have a magical solution for you as I’m still trying to find one myself but :
1) know that you’re not alone, I’ve been going through the same stuff since December (my trigger was Elliot Page’s coming out)
2) it gets better, I’ve ups and downs but overall I have way less panick attacks than before and I’m able to let go and tell myself it’s just my brain playing tricks on me. I don’t succeed everytime but eh it’s still progress.
3) talk about it. You can’t stay alone with this burden, i know for a fact it’s life-ruining. At first I talked about it with my sister and my mother. Then I choose to see a psychologist who I still see every week. I still struggle but at least I know I can express myself about this issue once a week and I try not to seek reassurance via my family as I know it doesn’t help. I also took an appointment with a psychiatrist to know if it would be useful to be on medication because even though I deal a little better with the thoughts, I would like them gone…
4) try to pursue your life as if the thoughts weren’t there. You might encounter some triggering stuff but I find myself less anxious when I’m busy, and chatting with friends sometimes helps me getting back to my « old self »

Take care.
 

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