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Pasztecik

Pasztecik

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Poland
I was taught to self-harm by my family. My brother once explained it to me: my parents punished each other and kids. The eldest brother punished the other brother and me. The other brother punished me and what about me? He said I should take out my anger on dolls, but the actual answer is myself. I was young when I started and I've tried everything except for drugs. I totally would've, but it requires you to be social, to know sb who knows sb and I'm the last person that can be accused of being sociable.

I also have trichotillomania. I hate how I look, I wish I could shave my head, but what then?

I don't have healthy coping mechanisms. I got angry the other day, in public and I wished I could clench my hands into fists and take the anger out on myself, but sadly, I was in public.

Also, for a long time, I avoided fruit and grains bc healthy eating is for people who don't hate themselves and want to live.

I've got a problem with my tooth, second but last one, one dentist used an old method of root canal treatment and the next dentist said it worsened my problem. Last year I spend a small fortune on a new treatment, took antibiotics and I guess it failed too. For almost a year one side of my face has been swollen, sometimes it hurts. I can't go see a dentist bc of China and also, they would just remove it. How long can a person have an inflammation like this without treatment?

On top of that, I'm dependent on painkillers. Not some crazy strong ones, it's like 400 mg of ibuprofen per pill. I have a double uterus, which makes period pain way worse and no, labour doesn't hurt more (i heard that from awful women). When I was in the hospital, people were so surprised I needed so many painkillers and still was in pain, the nurse called those 400 mg pills 'bombs' and I was surprised bc I have to take like 10 per period and still suffer a lot. My mother didn; 't have natural menopause, so no one can predict when I'll have mine. What if I have like 30 years more of this? My liver will give up before then. But I can't stop, diet doesn't work. I wish I could have a hysterectomy. Also, bc of that I take birth control pills, those together with smoking can cause serious problems. I smoke, obviously.

Lastly, my father is an alcoholic, everyone says I'll be one too. Maybe I am. If God wanted us to have healthy coping mechanisms, he would've created them. How am I supposed to deal with people making me angry? Sip some tea?

I know I shouldn't punish myself for what other people had done to me, but what another- way of coping was I supposed to learn in an abusive family? And no, there's no help available, I had horrible sessions with psychologists and psychiatrists. Even an old social worker felt the need to verbally attack me.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,927
Location
England
I can understand you hurt yourself because everybody has made you think you deserve pain. You do not deserve pain. I am so sorry about all you have been through and what you continue to go through.

I would just have the tooth out because I believe that is better then the ongoing pain.

It must be agony to go through the pain of having a double uterus. I thought the hospital would offer you a hysterectomy. It is so unfair you have to have such terrible pain.
 
Pasztecik

Pasztecik

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Poland
I can understand you hurt yourself because everybody has made you think you deserve pain. You do not deserve pain. I am so sorry about all you have been through and what you continue to go through.

I would just have the tooth out because I believe that is better then the ongoing pain.

It must be agony to go through the pain of having a double uterus. I thought the hospital would offer you a hysterectomy. It is so unfair you have to have such terrible pain.
I wasn't offered hysterectomy bc I doubt they allow young women to get one, you hear all the time how women with endometriosis have to suffer for years. Also, it's not certain I can't have children, I would need a CT or cat scan, the one you need to fast before and take laxatives. If I technically can get pregnant, I certainly won't get a hysterectomy bc 'you'll change your mind and want kids', even though the chance of having a living newborn are like 50% and chances of my ruining my health with painkiller dependence are 100%.

And sure, extracting the tooth seems wise. My parents neglected to take care of my dental hygiene when I was little, the second but last tooth on the other side was damaged since I can remember, when it was removed, the new tooth that grew was already damaged as well. It got extracted. I can't lose both of those important teeth.
 
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