Tired of crying

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Violet Skies

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Feb 28, 2017
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Went to the supermarket today. Didn't stop crying until just before I got to the checkout. I suppose that part's good at least. I guess it was nice that there were no nasty stares.. Only a few weird glances. Part of me wished that someone would have asked me if I was ok so I could have stopped trying (and failing) to hold it together, and sit on the floor sobbing until I got taken away to "talk to someone". Yeah.. like that would happen. I can articulate way too well and am too honest about how crap I feel to get any help.

I'm falling apart. I think I'm having a breakdown. I cancelled half the things I was supposed to do last week. If I get 4 hours of sleep I'm lucky. Other nights it's more like 2. I can't go through this again. I've spent so long just managing to keep my head above water for the past few years that I don't have the strength to pull myself back up from rock bottom again. The worst part is that I haven't even got there yet. I'm still falling. It feels like everything I've worked towards is slipping away. I feel so out of control and it terrifies me. I don't mean that in a suicide kind of way even though those thoughts are screaming at me inside my head.

I have an overwhelming urge to walk out my front door and just disappear, only I can't disappear from myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

~ V
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Not being able to stop crying in public has got to be one of the worst humiliations ever. It's also one of the most lonely experiences ever. I have cried in public so many times, and I know how you feel. I am sorry you are feeling so terrible. I think just the lack of sleep can do that to you. To me it sounds like you are very depressed. Have you ever gotten any help for yourself? Seen a therapist or a doctor? It sounds like you might need that extra support right now.

I totally know that feeling of wanting to disappear, and have at times fantasized at length about doing just that. I hope that you can find the help that you need.
 
Jayhova85

Jayhova85

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I'm a 31 year old dude and I have to deal with random crying... believe me being a crying man I know the humiliation... used to wake up crying alot too.... or screaming.... I'm bi polar so most of my crying happens towards the beginning of my depressive cycle... when I'm manic it doesn't happen... I feel this is largely because when I'm manic I become stupid talkative to people about how I feel like seriously anyone... like right now... my point is you may feel more comfortable if you talk about your feelings with people
 
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FindPeaceWithMeditation

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Hi Violet Skies,
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I have to ask, why do you say you're too articulate and honest to get help? Those are actually helpful qualities for communicating your feelings/situation to someone else, like a therapist.
Is there any way you can reduce your responsibilities/workload so you can have more time for yourself, to focus on your health? I know that responsibilities may not be a main reason for your lack of sleep, but this can still help. Getting so little sleep must be taking a major toll on you. Are you exercising regularly? It helps tremendously with regulating sleep.

I feel so out of control and it terrifies me.

I have an overwhelming urge to walk out my front door and just disappear, only I can't disappear from myself. I don't know what to do anymore.
Consider this: trying too hard to control life and running from oneself actually digs a person deeper into anxiety and depression. I've learned this from experience. We build a habit of fighting the way we feel, fighting our thoughts, our own minds. Doing so, we don't allow ourselves to see these thoughts or feelings as they are. They don't have any power or significance we don't give them. We push them away, fear them, and build them into monsters. And we exhaust our minds in the process when what it really needs is rest.
Instead, the answer is to accept the way you feel. Do your best to stop trying to fight it. If you feel out of control, feel it. What I mean is to let yourself feel it without judging it and reacting to it. Just let it come, feel it, and let it pass. This applies to your general mood as well, the overarching feelings of depression.
I know this is challenging, but persevere! Being accepting, kind, and patient to yourself and your mind is what's best for you. Clinging to anger, frustration, and impatience along the journey to recovery only increases your own stress.
This practice of letting thoughts and feelings come, watching/feeling them, and letting them go is the core of mindfulness. With mindfulness, we take an observant approach toward our minds instead of a reactive one. Doing so, you begin to view your thoughts and feelings from a more objective perspective, and so they lose their power over you.
After 5 years of debilitating anxiety and depression, I began practicing mindfulness and meditation and found a life more peaceful than I thought possible. If you'd like more information on these practices, please send me a message!
Wishing you peace!
 
V

Violet Skies

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Feb 28, 2017
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Thank you all for the replies. There's so many points I want to reply to but it's all a big jumble in my head.

I have gone down the NHS mental health route many times in the past. All that would be offered now would be 6-8 sessions of CBT, after being put on the waiting list for at least 6-12 months. The crisis team only get involved here if you actually make a suicide attempt. And even then.. The few times I got assessed after failing, because I said I wanted help and knew who and where I was, I wasn't deemed high risk and sent home with zero help. The only way I could get the sort of talking treatment that suits me is to go private, and I simply don't have the money for that.

I haven't worked for a long time, ever since I got scared to be around people after being abused so money is pretty tight. I exercise around 4 or 5 days a week. It's the only thing that gives me a reason to exist anymore, but it's also a double edged sword. I have chronic fatigue and instead of feeling good, I feel completely floored afterwards.

I've clawed my way back from being a total recluse, to managing to get on public transport 3 or 4 days a week. Managing to do "simple" things like supermarket trips. It's taken me 3 years to get to this stage. It's pathetic and so am I. There's no help out there for me. I've been granted support for going outside so many times yet never actually received it. So much red tape, budget cuts, etc, etc. I first applied for support 10 years ago. That's how long I've waited to get help with going places, so maybe I wouldn't feel so utterly terrified every time I leave the house. At least when I didn't even try for the first 7 years, I felt so much safer.

I feel scared all the time. And yet on paper it looks like I'm managing more. Going out. Exercising. Therefore, I'm even less likely to be given support. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I can't go back, but I can't do this. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like every single emotion is turned up to maximum. It's unbearable.

I'm rambling so badly. I'm sorry.
 
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