I'm sorry that you're feeling like you want to end your life...
Am just about to go to bed but wanted to give you a reply before I did so that you know someone cares.
If you feel at urgent risk of doing something to harm yourself, please dial 999 before doing anything drastic.
Not sure what time zone you're in (is Oban Scotland?), but presuming it's UK time, do you often suffer from insomnia?
I'm sorry I can't piece together a more coherent response, am literally about to drop off.
But please take care of yourself and focus on getting through this evening.
In the morning, hopefully, you'll be able to contact people/services to get more support because it really sounds like you're struggling a lot.