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The Lone Dragon

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Nov 15, 2014
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....my meds....?

Hmmmmm; I am in a strange limbo....

After all; what I see is that others perceive me as stable: does this mean it is time to leave my medication? I know this is a rather impossible (and probably over read) question. BUT, I am sure I am fine, I am sure there is nothing wrong with me, how can there be anything wrong with me? At least in the sense that my CPN and psychiatrist try to convey? I AM fine!

I have finally realized it, there is nothing wrong with me; it is not me, or you or anyone else, it is them... The outside world, if you like, has taken a social stance against us, and it is now time to stop this nonsense, time to stop the medication, my life has become sooooo boring, perhaps it is time to (even if I am wrong) live a little! Do something! And enjoy my time here!

I need to get out of bed and enjoy my time, for every time you don't it is a time wasted.

Sure....it may be midnight...but who am I to judge the time? Who am I to say there is anything wrong with the (so-called) 'midnighters'!

And that is it... I, we, everyone is fine, grand and good again...

I know the world is good again, and no matter what they say, I won't change, I am me, and that is that, but the world isn't me; it is adaptable, constantly changing, and dare I say it; the world is my oyster.

The more I write, the more excited I become!

I know they are wrong, they have to be!

Boy the world is looking up now!

But this is the flip side; there are times I start to wonder whether they are right, but it just isn't true; I know I can do it, I know I am me, and who I am, not them, they haven't a clue; they may suggest theories about who, what, and why I am me, but who cares!!!! I am me, and that is the point!

Over and out....!

TLD
 
megirl

megirl

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Hi there.
Sounds like you are a bit hypomanic, too me but yeh we are all different, and I think for us bipolar people that maybe being totally 'stable' whatever that means could be downright boring.
I know (sorry am going off track) when i was on one anti-depressant which i wont name as everyone isnt thesame re meds. I apparantly to even some of my friends on an even mood like not over stimulated or depressed seemingly? I was definitely depressed no up and go.
I am at the mo a bit up and chatty and just excited god knows why but i feel good i am safe i arent harming anybody or myself if someone doesnt like my ever slightly warped sence of humor or my bit distracted state then too bad for them i like it.
Though i have over spent and have a credit card bill which is quite a lot but so? we dont have children and i will pay it back no point worrying about it.
But meds wise while you are feeling this way it may indeed the meds making you feel good
I like what you say I am me thats my view of things also I am me and need to be proud of that.
 
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upagainstit

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Dec 13, 2014
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Hi "The Lone Dragon":
Your post resonates with me.
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Messages
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megirl,

It could be the meds making me feel this way, but I somehow doubt it; I have been on the bloody things for nearly three years now! And yet, I have only very occasionally (during this time) felt like this.

I think it is just acceptance; acceptance of me, and who I am, acceptance that I may be considered a little odd, but why should that matter, and (as you say) I am harming no one nor myself, so what harm can be done! And it is this acceptance that brings me joy, I think.

And yes, my life is often so very, very boring at times, yet I (mostly) simply don't have the energy to get up and go, and do anything about it. My meds do this, I believe.

But this, this is different! I actually have a little energy, a spark of light at the end of the tunnel, if you like. I can feel this 'numbness' coming to an end, and I can actually feel again! I can actually see what it is like to be alive....

But, I still think the meds are getting in the way, I want to feel more often, I want to be less sedated by the meds, and be free from the hassle that comes with them.

In short; I want to be me!!! And that, is what my meds sometimes stop me doing...!

Thank you!
 
Silver

Silver

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Life can seem boring without mania, but mania is only part of the disorder. After you've been through a few hellish episodes, you will never even consider stopping your medication. Maybe you need to stop them for a while to prove to yourself whether or not you have bipolar disorder. Maybe you will be ok. Maybe you will become very ill and need to start the medication again. If you are off work, don't have responsibilities, then try and see, but if you do have work and children, maybe you will muck those things up if ill. When ill. Maybe it will be ok, maybe you won't be ill again. Maybe this is a phase. A while back i was changing medication from epilim to lamictal. I was so exicted about the possibility of becoming manic that i was actually slightly hypomania just at the thought. It is exciting to think that is coming. But when it comes, it was horrible, a nuisance, and when stability came to me again i was relieved. Most of us need to try without medication at some point. Many keep stopping medication, and then get back on it.

if you are bored, there are many other things you can do to bring pleasure and excitement into your life though. Stopping medication is not the only way.

What do you take though? Antipsychotics can make you bored to an irritating degree becaise you are so dumbed down. I would udnerstand if you wanted to stop those. Anticonvulsants, lithium, they just even out your mood in my opinion. Antipsychotics i think should be a temporary thing. most people hate them, especially those with bipolardisorder.
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Silver,

I am on an antipsychotic, I would rather not dwell on the details too much; but I do feel it rather tarnishes my ability, both mentally, physically, and fails to get me excited about anything enough to go through with it.

But, I feel this 'light at the end of the tunnel', is my chance to become who I was.

I used to be intelligent, high functioning, and successful. On this medication, I am nothing, it is all gone; I feel I have to do this, even if sometimes it may not help.

I am unsure if it is the medication, to be totally honest, doing all this; maybe I have changed. But I will never know if I never try, and whatever the outcome, I think it'll be worth it....

I just want to feel again, become me again, and be the person I AM, not the person the medication is. I no longer want to be controlled by it all, I don't care if who I really am, isn't compatible with everyone else; if it is then that isn't my problem, it is theirs for not accepting me; I need to do this...!

Your reply has helped put it into perspective a little, and I like the way you say that you think nobody should be on antipsychotic permanently, it gives me hope.

Thank you...

TLD
 
megirl

megirl

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I hear what you are saying
Yes acceptance is an awesome thing
I had been feeling a few months ago just no up and go ..
Whilst on the psych ward for a few days i had some type of 'episode' which they brushed off, I was basically woken up an hr after taking my meds i had blurred vision, talking but making no sense 'fruitsalad' (means words all jumbled up) unco-ordinated etc
I decidided to suggest to my pdoc to decrease my quetiapine from 1000mgs to 800 at least now i can get out of bed and stay up, I do feel a bit maybe hypomanic but even my hubby agrees that i am so much more positive with it.
People saw as 'stable' assuming I was well it was horrid
So yes I agree to be different is good as long as we are happy not hurting ourselves or anyone else then so?

The spark as you say a friend hugged me a wee while back as 'Ann's come back' just my bizzare sense of humor.
e.g we were looking at an item of clothing I said 'that looks like me' then i say "well actually it doesnt look like me as hasnt got my photo on it, but would just look nice on me"
a lot of people dont know how to take me but thats their issue if you are happy and feel alive with it then theire nothing to change, take care and enjoy life
x
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Nov 15, 2014
Messages
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Thanks....

Yes, I quite agree.

It is funny; I stopped taking my meds yesterday, and instantly felt better; less lethargic, less tired (in fact I have yet to require an afternoon nap yet, something which was a daily requirement before), I have a more capable head.

And not JUST this...! But, I can feel again, I can think again, I can even be me again.

I had forgotten what it is like to feel, so feel a little sensitive to my own emotion, but it is real; I am no longer living in the world my medication was making a fallacy...

But most of all, I just feel relieved. Relieved to be off the thing which was getting rid of my chance to be me, and relieved to be free again!

I no longer have to be manipulated by this medication.

Hooray! :mrgreen:
 
megirl

megirl

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so what meds were you on,
just keep an eye on things.
Being able to feel knowing that you are real again,
That haze the fog it crept up on me, I truly think even now my meds need to be reviewed its great wen you are so unwell the pdoc is like increase this take a bit more take a few extra mg's then low and behold here i am a small person on the upper limits of all my meds the doses i am on a huge they are even higher than the recommended doses. Its like they think great shes stable but how about decreasing doses like wen we increased them see how things go.
I am ringing my support worker monday i have to see my doc i need to be me again
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Well that didn't last long! I stopped in total for two days, before my family found out resulting in huge arguments about what should be my choice, before going off and seeing my psychiatrist and I am now (thankfully) with a view of dropping my medication completely I about three weeks, so stuff to look forward to, and I am on a reducing dose too, which is nice; now!

And thanks from your reply, megirl; I am/was/am now again on aripiprazole.

Thanks,

TLD
 
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bonobo

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Jan 9, 2015
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Well that didn't last long! I stopped in total for two days, before my family found out resulting in huge arguments about what should be my choice, before going off and seeing my psychiatrist and I am now (thankfully) with a view of dropping my medication completely I about three weeks, so stuff to look forward to, and I am on a reducing dose too, which is nice; now!

And thanks from your reply, megirl; I am/was/am now again on aripiprazole.

Thanks,

TLD
Stay positive, it sounds like you're doing really well! xx
 
T

The Lone Dragon

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Thanks, bonobo! I like your forum name!
 
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