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Thoughts

I

its.a.tell.tale.heart

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
4
Location
Newcastle
I’ve been writing thoughts down before I forget them. It’s all a bit random. Just day to day thinking. I send all the things i want to say but cant to my pyscholosit. Not that she could give a crap. Mainly because I find it slightly weird and embarrassing. I guess i just wanted to run it by you all. Im really stuck.


Ill tell you about one of my dreams first, boring I know. I have a lot like them. I sometimes truly believe I was there and it always wakes me up.

From what I can remember, I was standing in a large room, if I can call it a room. It was dull, bland and dark. One of those arched corrugated iron buildings. Sort of like an aeroplane hanger. The ground was mud, slushy mud. The kind your feet sink in to until you cant see your feet at all. At the far end of the room was a single steel door with one small glass pane at eye level. I could see this from where I was standing. Closer to me and to my right was another door leading to a bathroom. The kind with floral curtains, frilly lace nets and thick pink carpet.
3ft in front of me and about 6ft off the back wall was a scaffolding walkway. It didn’t span the whole length of the room. Only about a third. There was a rope ladder at the end of the walkway, closest to me. It had those wooden cylindrical steps, making it easier to climb. Although, this walkway went nowhere. Hanging down across the width of the scaffolding was a camouflage mesh net.
I hadn’t noticed before but behind the net, next to the bathroom door were two men dressed in grey camouflage outfits with
Caps and automatic rifles. Their faces were expressionless.
The door at the far end of the hanger opened and more men walked in, this time in green/beige camouflage outfits. They didn’t have rifles. They just walked slowly walked towards me. The two men near me shot at them through the mesh net. For some reason I assumed they were on my side even though I hadn’t spoken to them and I wasn’t aware of any threat.
I looked back to find the men, all the men still walking towards me. I noticed more people continuing to stream through the single door. There was at least 80 people in the room now. They all looked the same, blank, expressionless faces. Id say they were all the same person. I could see they’d been shot but they didn’t fall down. The fabric of their clothes was stained with blood. Each stain getting larger and darker.
The men who stood beside me kept shooting at them and I realised the room was smoky, damp and stank of blood. A man at the front of the group who seemed to be leading them, held out his bloody hands to me. He was only meters away and I was aware at this point that I hadn’t done anything but stand and watch. My shoes were vacuumed in the mud. I fought my way over to the ladder anyway, I tried to climb up it. I wasn’t getting anywhere because I was being pulled down by the man with
Bloody hands. I wondered what I’d have done if I had made it up the ladder. It didn’t go anywhere.



I’ve never been happy with myself. People always seem to remind me of why I should think that. If I hated myself before and I hate myself now, change of any sort isn’t going to make me feel like a better person or make me like myself. I don’t think. I may be pleased for a while about the circumstances but I feel like I don’t deserve anything. All the things I have, sometimes I just want to give them all away because I get upset to see all the things that I shouldn’t have. Like everything I start in hope of getting forward, it never lasts. I cant settle myself into anything. Mainly because I‘m always thinking ‘Should I Kill myself today or tomorrow? Which day would be best?’ I feel like I have to put so much extra effort and energy into everything. I thought having morals and beliefs would make be feel like a better person and it did. It doesn’t count for anything though. Talking to people, I find myself trying extra hard to be sure I’ve made a good impression so they like me. When really, I couldn’t care less.
The awkwardness I feel even with family, whether or not they’re aware of it. I always regret everything I say and do, no matter how small, irrelevant or ordinary. I wonder if the last thing I said came out right, sounded right, if the tone was right? Do they think I sound right? Do they hear me? Sometimes I think I speak so quietly its just a murmur.
I spend along time thinking about what I’m going to say and then a long time deliberating whether to say it or not. Even if its just a comment about what’s on TV. I’m just so afraid to talk, to say anything.
Some things I say are misunderstood and I cant be bothered to correct it. Even when it matters. I just allow personal assumptions to be made.

I’m sure this question may come up at some point. Why do I want to die? Its not just because I’m unhappy. It is actually really hard to explain. At least I know why. Although some of the reasoning has nothing to do everything else. I am ashamed to be part of the human race. I think were selfish, greedy and completely unaware of how ignorant we are. I find it hard to live with the fact that I’m contributing to that.
I suppose I know that no one is ever going to need me like I need them. Because I’m useless. I mean, I don’t even need me. Even if I like to think I don’t need anyone. I know if I was to move out etc I definitely wouldn’t last. It’s a shame because I really like my space and time. I suppose that’s a plus of it, id have space and time all to myself forever. Maybe all of this is me trying to make myself immune. So in the end I really wont care. I try my best now not to care. Sometimes I hope, in the end, I wont even have to eat or drink.
This ties in, so ill put it here. When I have a pain, I imagine it getting worse and it does. I always hope it’ll get so painful in a matter of minutes that ill just drop down dead. Or maybe ill be found to have a serious illness that’ll eventually kill me. I don’t know. I guess I’m always wondering what would be the most efficient way.

There’s so much that’s expected of you and I know I don’t have anything to give. There a lot of places to go and a lot of things to do and I cant find one that makes me feel anything but empty. The last of the things I do have left don’t count for anything.
I’ve got stuck so far behind there’s pretty much no chance of me catching up. I’d maybe feel slightly better about that fact if people didn’t
Look down on me because id missed so much. I’m rendered stupid in the first 30 seconds. I’ve asked before but it still scares me. What are you doing now? Are you at college. . ? No… Then I get the ‘oh, ok’ and the weird look. I cant even imagine what would happen if I told anyone I didn’t get my gcse’s, that I had to drop out of high school. I think I may literally die from embarrassment for myself.
I’m stuck in all aspects. Waiting for appointments. Waiting for things to move on that I’ve already arranged. It’s always just something else that’s been added onto an enormous heap of problems. There’s just so many things that are wrong I don’t know where to start putting things right. To be honest I cant think of one thing that I would actually miss. Nothing. Nothing has ever went right to make me think that anything ever will. I could wait and see if it ever does. I’ve put as much effort in as I can to try and make it right. But I’d tired now. I don’t want to end up like anyone I know, I don’t want the things that they want or have. I don’t want to end up like anything.

Do you ever just walk around as a zombie? Not even paying attention to what youre doing. What happened 5 minutes ago? Sometimes your mind switches off and you can find yourself doing the exact same thing you were doing before. Which seems like a life time. Maybe just boiling the kettle.

What makes it really hard is the fact that I cant remember anything good or happy. If I can it doesn’t make me feel better. I don’t even care about it anymore. All the bad memories just outweigh the good ones. Everything that I ever cared about, loved, enjoyed, cherished, has gone. I’d afraid I don’t even know what fun is anymore.


Really sorry! Had to tell someone who was gonna get it, not just analyse and assume.

Much appreciated.
 
H

happyhappy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
820
Location
uk
Hi there,
there is an awful lot in your post and my concentration is not too hot so don't be hurt if I don't answer some of it.
You clearly sound very depressed. The things you state in a manner that comes across as factual
I suppose I know that no one is ever going to need me like I need them.
are, in my opinion, indicative of your depressed state of mind. As is the morbid obsessive thoughts about death and dying.
You say you can only remember bad thoughts and memories. This too is part of the trickery of depression. It makes us that we cannot remember that we ever felt good.
You don't say if you are seeing anyone for your depression. I think it would be good for you if you did.
You can feel better than this and you can get out of this hole.
Happyhappy
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
My guess is that you are young and that you are not taking any medication for depression. I felt very much like this for a good many years pre ad's (sorry I didnt read your dream) though I'm not going to tell you that everything becomes wonderful once you take meds only that in my experience things get a little easier in terms of taking off the edge the rawness, othrs believe therapy helps it never helped me.
but good luck in your journey because I dont believe you would of wrote all that on this forum if you werent expecting some kind of support and understanding, I wish you well jd
 
I

its.a.tell.tale.heart

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2009
Messages
4
Location
Newcastle
I am young, 17. Ive seen 3 different pyschologists over a 5 year period, have also taken medication. I always end up back at square one.
My doctors basically told me that if I really couldnt make an effort to get better and if I was so convinced on killing myself that there would be no point in them helping me. I feel like i always have to make things sound better than they actually are just to cling onto something that doesnt help anyway.

Its nice to know that im not completely alone though. Thank you.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
I know whot you mean one doctor told me once to go n jump in the fucking river, when I said it was whot I wanted to do says it all really, really you would think that they could be more helpful when you are in the throws of it all, I dont really think to much more these days other than I have an ecellent gp which I never had before but the mh services n the hospitals are a mess, keep posting if it helps start a journal it does help to write a blog it helps you get things out
 
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