Thoughts of a very messed up person :))

[failedvibecheck]

There’s a lot of things going on in my head rn, a wholeee lot of which I’d rather not think about so instead I’m gonna go on a insane ramble about??? Idk

so i don’t rlly see sh as a bad thing?? and this only applies to me btw. with other people, i of course recognize that it’s not a good thing but with me it’s just?? i don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like a bad habit. like, idk, chewing your nails or something. i know it’s worse than that but i just don’t see it that way, which makes recovering way harder. because to me there’s nothing to recover from in the first place. not that i’ve ever really thought about recovering. i feel like this is always gonna be a part of me. idk but some part of me doesn’t want to recover. which is. f*cked up, i guess. but.
anyways, it’s been getting pretty bad lately. i stopped for like? 2ish months, more or less. but i haven’t been feeling good lately and it all just came back full force. i do it more often and i’ve gotten brave (or probably stupid) enough to do it in a zoom call haha. i also get urges a lot more often? oh and here’s a REALLY messed up thing. the first time i relapsed, like a week, maybe two ago, i laughed. like i just felt straight up giddy. all the times i’ve been doing it, i usually feel calm or relief but it was never like that. i was actually excited about doing it again.
so uh. what that says about me?? i don’t really know, don’t really wanna know.

alrighty then, that’s enough oversharing on the internet for today.

 

[iWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH3]

I have that problem too. Good thing it's anonymous.

 

[FlowerBox]

It makes sense to me You're not alone in thinking like this, I get giddy when I do it too! I've talked about it a bit on here but I also don't want to seem like I encourage other people to do it, I know it's not the best thing, but for me, I just love it. I don't see it any different than casually drinking or smoking, for me..I don't get strong urges luckily...it is just something I do when I feel like it
It can be a bad thing for sure, but i don't see it as a bad thing for me because I am not punishing myself..I think it depends on why you do it and how much control you have during