F
failedvibecheck
Active member
There’s a lot of things going on in my head rn, a wholeee lot of which I’d rather not think about so instead I’m gonna go on a insane ramble about??? Idk
so i don’t rlly see sh as a bad thing?? and this only applies to me btw. with other people, i of course recognize that it’s not a good thing but with me it’s just?? i don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like a bad habit. like, idk, chewing your nails or something. i know it’s worse than that but i just don’t see it that way, which makes recovering way harder. because to me there’s nothing to recover from in the first place. not that i’ve ever really thought about recovering. i feel like this is always gonna be a part of me. idk but some part of me doesn’t want to recover. which is. f*cked up, i guess. but.
anyways, it’s been getting pretty bad lately. i stopped for like? 2ish months, more or less. but i haven’t been feeling good lately and it all just came back full force. i do it more often and i’ve gotten brave (or probably stupid) enough to do it in a zoom call haha. i also get urges a lot more often? oh and here’s a REALLY messed up thing. the first time i relapsed, like a week, maybe two ago, i laughed. like i just felt straight up giddy. all the times i’ve been doing it, i usually feel calm or relief but it was never like that. i was actually excited about doing it again.
so uh. what that says about me?? i don’t really know, don’t really wanna know.
alrighty then, that’s enough oversharing on the internet for today.
so i don’t rlly see sh as a bad thing?? and this only applies to me btw. with other people, i of course recognize that it’s not a good thing but with me it’s just?? i don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like a bad habit. like, idk, chewing your nails or something. i know it’s worse than that but i just don’t see it that way, which makes recovering way harder. because to me there’s nothing to recover from in the first place. not that i’ve ever really thought about recovering. i feel like this is always gonna be a part of me. idk but some part of me doesn’t want to recover. which is. f*cked up, i guess. but.
anyways, it’s been getting pretty bad lately. i stopped for like? 2ish months, more or less. but i haven’t been feeling good lately and it all just came back full force. i do it more often and i’ve gotten brave (or probably stupid) enough to do it in a zoom call haha. i also get urges a lot more often? oh and here’s a REALLY messed up thing. the first time i relapsed, like a week, maybe two ago, i laughed. like i just felt straight up giddy. all the times i’ve been doing it, i usually feel calm or relief but it was never like that. i was actually excited about doing it again.
so uh. what that says about me?? i don’t really know, don’t really wanna know.
alrighty then, that’s enough oversharing on the internet for today.