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Thought life would be easier, intrusive thoughts

R

rpcdp

Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
I left a job on a livery yard in September. I normally work with horses, but my new job is in retail due to COVID. It’s actually not that bad and a change is as good as a rest, I suppose.
I left my last job as my boss was a nightmare to deal with and turned verbally and mentally abusive. She reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. My new colleague was also a nightmare to deal with, nothing but a judgemental bully who came into the yard with a game plan. I ended up with functioning alcoholism and gained two stone in weight.
The job I had before that (2018) was also a nightmare. My bosses were verbally and emotionally abusive. I won’t go into detail but I ended up having a breakdown there and again put on weight. My last boss had at least some redeeming qualities and had moments of genuine niceness/care. These people had none - no care for staff or horses or basic morals, no remorse or shame.
I’m now in a secure job with pleasant coworkers and a decent, a fair manager and I’m working in my local town for the first time in years. I feel content with that aspect. Yet any time I have a chance to think or be on my own I get flashbacks or intrusive thoughts of all that happened in 2018. I was left with so much social anxiety and paranoia after that. I feel utterly enraged now when I get these thoughts, I have been getting them for weeks now at any given opportunity, not willingly. I also can’t help but feel the need for justice/revenge.
I’ve been bullied a lot in my life, dealt with a chronic anxiety disorder, OCD and clinical depression. I guess I’m just fed up that even now that I think I should be happy these thoughts keep flooding back. I’m just tired. Just needed a rant.
 
D

Dispatch

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
657
Location
USA
hey rpcdp, did I spell that right ? 😛 anyways, I read your story and had a thought. Now you said you’re happy at your new job, right ? The intrusive thoughts want to steal your happiness, don’t let them. The past is the past and that’s where it belongs. Go to work and be happy, you’re very lucky.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
I think with what you have been through, it is understandable to have these intrusive memories. You are in a better place now but your mind is still recovering from what has happened.
 
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