calypso

calypso

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#1
I have just thought that the feelings would pass if I held on a few days. They haven't, I have a mind which has decided to work without my consent, on pictures non stop of suicide. Its like someone else is in control and pushing buttons to make these things happen.

I have lost my strength and feel its escalating and I am standing back watching all this happening. I am back hating myself and know that I can't get things right. I've upset so many people when very irritable lately and I think I was high. I rarely get the happy, "productive" highs, just jumpy, irritable, and things come out my mouth without thinking. Now some of my family won't talk to me - again!

Its no good, all my good deeds/feelings/empathy is forgotten and all they see is the latest horrible me. It reinforces what I think, underneath I am revolting.
 
keepsafe

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#2
You are no such thing lady, down with those thoughts - let it go you are not revolting at all - You are a good genuine person
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
E

Eigau

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#4
Hi Calypso, you articulated really well, that's a very good sign. You are not responsible for how others react. They should know better. But sadly friends and family often lack the depth of awareness of our situations that they need, to be understanding and consoling. We are all here to listen and to give plenty of hugs my friend.

As regards the thoughts not passing, my theory is that when we try to not think about something the brain does two things. It first tells itself the thing you are trying not to think. Then it tries to suppress it. This double process can be taxing to the brain and it may actually make the situation worse.

My suggestion is to treat the thoughts and images as though they are voices. Something separate from you, that may have minds of their own. Try talking to them as though they are voices and reason with them the way I have suggested in the past.

Maybe asking yourself, what the antonym of suicide is? If you are not able to find a definition, I suggest creating one that has meaning to you. So when the thoughts and images come into your mind you can re-frame them into positives.

I'm dragging on, but I would like to also suggest that you make a nice meal consisting of these ingredients:
Spinach, Green beans, barley, microgreens and walnuts. These foods can reduce cortisol levels which may ease any anxiety you're having. Even just the act of preparing the meal can help to slow it down. Try not to rush the prepping, and try to focus on the moment, to ground yourself mentally.

I hope, this is not too much info. But if anything, know we are here.

Te
 
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MarlieeB

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#5
I hope you will be okay and that you will take back control soon.

You aren't horrible as far as I'm concerned.

Stay safe Cal

xxxx
 
AliceinWonderland

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#6
Its hard to get perspective when feelings of self-disgust swamp everything else. You're not revolting, you are caring and lovely, you have a good heart. Irritability and speaking impulsively is not the whole story of who you are. Te's advice about a dialogue with the thoughts that are attacking you sounds a good approach. I hope things calm down for you, strength returns, and things feel more balanced again soon :hug1:
 
tiltawhirl

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#7
Well, I have never been able to talk down or rebut those thoughts and it is exhausting and scary.
I only get them when in a mixed episode and I am scared to death of those.
I have made myself a promise that when/if these episodes occur I will get my butt to the dr immediately.
We are all different but mirtazapine seems to shut it off for me.

I have a couple family members who won't speak to me because I disagreed with something they said or did. It has happened so many times, I can't let it hurt me anymore. I feel like they have some problems of their own tho they would never admit or acknowledge it. IF I feel like I have some fault in the matter, I will apologize...and then what they do with that depends on them.

Remember who you are.....you are a goddess. You do not deserve to suffer this. This is not you, this is the malevolent illness attacking you.
Please make your anguish a driving force to seek out and get help.

You are so beloved by so many here. Imagine yourself in a sea of hugs, it would not be inaccurate.
We want you to put yourself first and I know that is hard for you to do. very hard.
But you are in a state of emergency and need to reach for your own oxygen mask.

(((((((love))))))
T
 
calypso

calypso

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#8
Thank you. When I say I said irritable things, I mean it far more than it sounds here. I'm articulate, but not always able to get across the extent of how I feel. I was high - I was energised, angry, stammering as I had too much to say and couldn't end sentences etc etc. I find the highs hard too describe. Pacing, minor self harm, not hungry at all. I can't eat, everything feels too much in my stomach.

Anyway, I rang a very good friend of mine who talked to me for about an hour and helped. He offered for me to go to their house and sit around with his wife. But I can't do that, I have to get ready for going to Beligium on Wednesday. I am terrified of airports and just know I'll miss the plane, end up in Abu Dhabi (spelling?) or freeze in the car and not leave the car park. My daughter has given me a talking to. Its why I don't go anywhere.

Still feel terrible. I get suicidal thoughts all the time, always have done, except when high. But these are strong and its tempting. No, I won't do it, I have to finish my son's badger jumper - (don't ask!). I have cleaned and cleaned, drawn some tarot cards (making my own pack), tried to pack my clothes, unpacked them, packed them again and so forth.

I am trying but the images are powerful. I don't want to go to the GP as he will refer me to the pdoc who will just give more tablets. I'm on the max of Mirtazepine and won't take any more anti psychotics. Just so low. Its so hard to keep going right now. I have to pull myself up for my daughter, but I don't think I can.

Te, its an idea. My man-voice is chiming in with his usual revolting phrases, he is quite inventive in finding horrible things to say to me. He started telling me things I don't know, so that threw me. My friend said that our brains know a lot more than we know consciously, so that doesn't mean he isn't me. I will have to take that on faith. But I am horrible.
 
E

Eigau

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#9
Calypso, sometime if you're able I would like to try and interview the man voice. If you were open to it, I would like to try. And yes, we absorb information unconsciously all the time, it's awesome when we unlock that aspect and find what we have retained. Some memory systems work with this ability. Thinking of you, may you have peace.

Te
 
blueflames

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#10
Hey calypso

I can relate to some of those things you are saying. You are very far from 'revolting' so try not to let those thoughts or voices get you down.

I hope manage to get yourself in a better place and you enjoy Belgian

Look after and be kind to yourself

xxxxxxxxxxx
 
calypso

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#11
Te, trust me, the Man is just vile. All you would have to talk to is a series of obscenities and things I don't want to write here. All he does is threaten me and make me disgusted. If he is part of me, then I am disgusting - that's logical.
 
pepecat

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#12
If he is part of you, it doesn't necessarily follow that you're disgusting. Maybe the man voice is trying to process the awful things you've been through - so it's not you that's disgusting, it's the stuff you've been through.

:hug:
 
megirl

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#13
Hi Caypso,
you are an awesome empathetic person,
you deserve to be well, some people just don't understand it is hard but try and be around those that can support you especially at the moment,
you aren't well clearly,
hope things settle down. We are all here for you.
try and nurture yourself, look after you, its hard I know

thinking of you heaps,
xx
 
calypso

calypso

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#14
I am stressed out beyond panic. I can't sit still and find my brain whirring. But I am so tired of feeling so depressed. I hate this.

Pepecat, how can it not mean I am vile if all he says are horrible things. Either its me or its someone else. If its someone else then why pick on me and where does he come from? I don't know, I would never think those things. I know about our shadow side, so maybe he is my shadow, but why is my shadow so horrible and why won't he f****** shut up! He goes away and I think, "Oh thank god he's gone" and then he pops back just to plague me. Its becoming like a tooth ache which comes and goes.

I only get this when depressed - it appears it particularly happens to middle aged women with diagnosis of bipolar 2. The rest of the literature says that people with bipolar 2 don't get this at all. I've been reading up to try to understand. But that all depends on whether I am bipolar or not. I wish I hadn't been diagnosed, but then again, I felt a relief when I was. I'm confused as you can see.

I have to travel to Belgium on the 3rd and that isn't helping! What the hell is a QR code? The car parking talked about QR codes. I'm not coping with this at all.
 
AliceinWonderland

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#15
A QR (Quick Response) code is one of those patterned black and white squares you can scan with a smartphone. If you have payment set up on your phone you can use it to pay for parking by scanning the code on the ticket machine. (This is from Google, I've never used one). I guess otherwise you just pay as normal for parking.

I agree that hearing disgusting things doesn't make you disgusting :hug: (I agree it's mind-bending to explain though). I hope your trip goes ok, and the panic subsides. I'm trying to think what I do when I'm panicking, I guess I say to myself 'I am panicking, I know I always panic when faced with stressy situations, I know it won't be as bad as I'm anticipating, I have got through it before', and just sort of accept/hope that it will subside when it subsides. Try not to add an extra layer of panicking about the fact you are panicking, if you see what I mean. I hope you will be ok :hug:
 
tabbykitten

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#16
Calypso, lovely person. I’m sending you hugs. I just feel so helpless, don’t get voices but I can come out with the vilest verbal obscenities when stressed. Scares me that I will say stuff in front of people - another thing that puts me off socialising.
With the travel thing, try writing down every single stage of your journey before hand. Even basics like park car, get out of car, lock door…. Then you can tick each stage off. I know it sounds daft but it helps to gain control a bit
 
calypso

calypso

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#17
Alice and Tabby - you are two very wise women! That really helped. Not to panic over the fact I am panicking - great. As for writing it all down Tabby, I have done that. I was going to leave at 2pm for a 7pm flight - but the M6 can be a nightmare, so I might even go earlier. I have been on the M6 and got there in hour and half, and another time, it took 3 hours. I'll probably arrive so early I'll get bored. I hope so because boredom is good!

As for the 'Man' in and outside my head (he varies), he wants me to do things so he can escape from me! Bloody cheek. I told him that I don't want him in my head either! I did something te.reo.orooro said, I had a conversation with him, luckily inside the house, and told him we have to come to a compromise. He can swear and be obscene, but he wasn't to try to make me self harm. He agreed. He has been a little muted since then - amazing! Thank you te.reo!!!

You have all been very kind. My friend who is also a psychologist and really knows me, says I am in a mixed state, he thinks, but that with some of the techniques I have learned, I can handle it. I am trying them now, not least, Mindfulness. Writing everything down is sort of Mindfulness.

thank you xxx
 
tabbykitten

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#18
Aiming not to panic about the panicking is a great help. We know we are going to panic but going with the flow as far as possible takes some of the stress away.
A real life acquaintance who also suffers also suggested you see it less as panic and more excitement at doing something special - visiting baby grand daughter in my case!
 
calypso

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#19
In DBT they say, "Don't judge the judging" which is similar. So if I think, "God that woman looks wrong in that skirt." Then beat myself up for thinking that, and then get angry that I feel guilty - that is this mind loop. I'm pacing, but OKish. My friend has just rung again, he says he is worried about me still. He's making me feel guilty that I am worrying him. Oh hell never mind.

After tomorrow, I may feel better. I'm going to ask the Airline to just look after me, if I can. Mind I look so mad, they might anyway. Or ban me thinking I've been drinking (I'm not).
 
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Deliah

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#20
Hello, just wanted to say, that we are not our minds. It is thought not you. You are a beautiful person. love D x
 

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