Thought I was getting better - Help Appreciated - Long Post

J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#1
Hi all,

Kinda writing this out of a time of crisis this morning. Basically 3 weeks ago the first relationship I'd been in in over 7 years ended after a few short months. It came out of nowhere and I was basically told the reason was that everything was going too quick for her and, as as she had just come out of a 2 year relationship she needed time to think.

I was nothing but gracious and basically asked her to think things over rather than ending stuff outright (a choice I now regret.) I was told that she still liked me but that she wanted to try and keep things slow. We met up about a week later and had a night of cuddles, films and food and I thought maybe it could work, I was trying to not be too optimistic though.

Communication started to break down not long after this, while we still talked pretty much every day nonstop, she put off coming to see me twice because she had no fuel and was too tired, and again, I accepted and was nothing but nice about it.

Cut last weekend and I was told I was too serious all the time, that she didn't want anything right now and that casual was the absolute bare minimum. I then find out through Facebook she has been seeing someone else (and this was confirmed today again by a friend, I deactivated my Facebook the first time I saw something like this)

At the start of this week I was in total despair, I self harmed again for the first time in nearly a year because I was just a swirl of emotions that I didn't know what to do with. I booked an emergency doctors appointment to try and get myself on some medication as my anxiety and all negative thoughts were flooding back in, they refused and told me to go to CBT. I've also been fighting work who refused to accept my sick note for the week and wanted daily updates, basically they contributed a low mood to being the same as depression.

Tuesday and Wednesday I felt better, I bought myself some weights so I could exercise and changed my diet so that I'd feel better about myself. I messaged my now ex, basically saying that I never thought anything was her fault and I'd always be there to help if she needed it...this was met with sarcasm and her basically asking why I blamed her which made me feel shit.

I barely slept last night and when I did it was just bad dreams. I then wake up this morning already a bit shaken, a friend tells me to make sure to keep my Facebook off or to unfriend/block her because I don't need to see the fact she's already shacked up with someone else.

I am trying to hang on so much as I write this but I'm so close to just saying fuck it and self harming again. I can't believe during this entire time, she's been playing me, that she's never asked how I was or checked up on me despite all the support I've given her (Including sorting out her rent for a month and offering to help her find a house to move into)

I guess I'm just looking for support, help, anything really, I feel like all the positive steps I've made over the last few days has regressed and all I can see and feel now is the betrayal and heartache.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the long post.
 
L

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
UK
#2
Hey JD...let me give you a hug :hug:

I know how hurt you're feeling right now but let's get this into perspective.

If this lady only wants casual relationships, she doesn't want to invest time, energy or love into anybody else. That's not somebody you want around you honey.

You have invested so much time into yourself and made incredible progress...don't throw all that away because of a brief relationship that barely spanned two months.

You deserve somebody to love you, take interest in you and give you support - these are not things she is able to do for you. This is her issue when it comes to relationships - not yours.

You've come so far over the last couple of years - you should feel extremely proud of yourself. All your hard work has made you ready for a loving and committed relationship. No, she wasn't the one - but the good news is, you found that out sooner rather than later.

The great news is - you've got lots to give, you've got control over your life and you're truly ready to meet someone.

Please - feel a sense of relief that you didn't spend more time and heartache over this lady - she's in a different place to you right now and it just can't work.

You're amazing. Don't go backwards. You're not rejected or unwanted - she's just realised that she wants to keep things casual and meaningless and probably knows she's messing you around.

Try to detach yourself from her now - it sounds as if you were a considerate and loving partner and you deserve nothing less than the same back.

:hug: No bad thoughts...you're in great shape for the person of your dreams. You had to part from her to make way for the real thing.

Lots of love xx
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#3
First of all thanks for your reply, I've been talking to a friend this morning as well and it's really nice to hear thoughts about it rather than being on my own you know?

I know in my heart of hearts it wouldn't work, and there's no jealousy there in terms of her finding someone else, I've accepted that it's over and I need to move on.

I suppose the thing that's thrown me for a loop this morning is that I was kind of coming out of this and to learn what I have about her immediately jumping in with someone and having had no thought for my feelings the entire time.

I'm a reserved person so I'd never tell any of how I felt to her, she doesn't know I'm off work because of it, it's just down as stress, and I haven't gone into how any of it has made me feel at all, it just hasn't felt like the right thing to do.

Although all my friends etc have told me to leave it and stay out of contact, I'm the kind of person who wanted to make sure that we are still okay and can stay civil (purely cos we work together) or I would have left it altogether.

I think she is going through stuff at the moment, when we were together she admitted that she has a habit of jumping between relationships but she was ready for the long haul with me etc. I know if all the details got out, I'd have support of the office but really all I want to do is go and get on with my job without any atmosphere...that's kinda what's worrying me most at the moment.

I know all I can do is be the person I've always been which is friendly and quiet.
 
L

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
UK
#4
It's lovely that you care so much about what she's going through.

My only thoughts on this, are these:

If you remain in contact with her, you're going to get caught up in her casual relationship dramas and she will keep coming back to you as a 'safe place'.

You need to look after yourself first and foremost - the last thing you need is to provide emotional support to someone who will never give it back. She may well decide in three weeks time that she's made a mistake and come back to you - but there's an ongoing pattern here - and she's already warned you.

Nothing to stop you sending a text/email wishing her well with her future - but personally, I would be extremely firm about closing that door.

So glad you've got understanding friends around you - let them take you out and throw yourself into other things to keep your mind off of this break-up.

It's perfectly reasonable to take the time off work to get your head straight and your emotions under control. The term 'sickness and diarrhoea' covers a multitude of needed rest periods without having to explain ;) Don't feel obligated to explain.

Don't feel anxious about being off work today - you've gone through a trauma, and just need some space. If you'd had a prang in your car, you'd be sent home to get over the shock...well, this is an emotional shock.

Enjoy today. Celebrate yourself and keep thinking about how far you've come. Most of all, focus on what you need from a relationship and don't compromise.

Have a great day xx
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#5
Yeah I get what you're saying and thank you for your input, it's always nice to hear what someone has to say from an outside perspective!

Because of work I can't cut off contact altogether but I feel I've said my bit more than enough times at this point so there's not much more I can do in that regard. I won't send anything to her but purely because of my nature if she reaches out to me for help, I'm always here to listen...I just won't be looking to get into anything with her in that capacity again because I'm all too wary at this point.

I am taking more care of myself now than I was previously, even before the relationship, as much as the whole thing hurts I realise that I've started making positive steps in improving myself by taking up exercise, improving my diet and by reaching out to places like this for suggestions or help.

I have a good friend at work who I've talked all the ins and outs with multiple times and he's been nothing but supportive. I just wish I'd listened to him sooner in terms of cutting off contact, I feel I've repeated myself a few times and while I don't think I've made it worse, I've kinda prolonged myself instead of letting go if that makes sense.

I've been off work since Monday and while originally I did plan to go back in Friday/Saturday, after this morning's development and the fact I have a signed Doctor's note I decided to keep the extra few days off to really make sure I'm in a good frame of mind for going back in Monday. I do feel guilty taking the time off while they're understaffed and while people dont seem to get the ins and outs of it, I know the time will do me good.

I know I'm making conscious progress and I've managed to get through this mornings news without going into a spiral but I'm equally aware its a long road to feeling totally fine and I need to keep at it.
 
L

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
UK
#6
Good for you JD!

Keep us posted...I want to hear all the successes...and about the great new relationship that's waiting around the corner.

:hug:

Well done for getting yourself through this xx
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
#7
So, I've been pretty stressy again the last couple of days. I'm back at work with her tomorrow and my head has been in awful in terms of making me think of all the scenarios that might happen.

In reality I know she probably won't say anything, it's just upsetting going back to work when the last time I was there, we were both getting on and talking to each other, and I felt great just being friends with her even if nothing else.

She hasn't spoken to me since the start of this week around Tuesday/Wednesday and I've had to stop myself from messaging her a couple of times just to try and check in. I know she's clearly not fussed, it just doesn't sit right with me going back to work and pretending everything is okay when I feel broken inside.

It's been that bad again recently, I've had so much as a thought of her or when we were together or about work coming up and in the blink of an eye, without even giving myself time to consider what I was doing, I've self harmed again several times on both arms :/

I feel shame cos I thought I was past this, I'm just getting so wound up about going back into work. I know things are over between us and I've accepted I have to move on. Outside of work I am making steps to get better, it's just seeing her again and being back in work after everything that's happened...I think the fact she doesn't care makes it worse...like I feel like I've self harmed purely just cos I want people to know I'm hurting you know?

I just feel totally broken inside, I don't want anything to do with people and I'm just dreading going back in in general.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
4,264
Location
Tigger and Willow's house
#8
You don't deserve to self harm cause of her, you deserve to recieve care from everyone around you, here's some hugs to help you :hug:
 

Similar threads