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this surely can't be BED? surely?

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storminateacup

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi, ever since I was a young child I have eaten compulsively. Obsessed with food. I grew up in an emotionally votatile environment with emotional verbal and physical abuse from my father. I used to binge eat, I would stuff myself until am sick. I also would often nibble all day, like constant grazing. I would hide food, steal food and also eat a lot in front of other people though as I grew older I became very self conscious so tried to limit what i ate in front of people though sometimes i would still find myself overeating in front of others.

as an older child and in my teens i started feeling such emptiness and low mood (had ben strugglign ewith anxiety since childhood) and due to toehr symptoms i ended up diagnosed with BPD/EUPD, OCD, and symptoms of OCD for which I was put on medications which had unwanted side effect of increased my appetite. I also got diagnosed with PCOS in my 20s- this is a hormonal imbalance which has many symptoms including weight gain, food cravings, and insulin resistance amongst other things. I had always craved foods but now I had physical reason, maybe?

I still struggle with the binge/graze thing. I admit I do less big binges thna I used to- i used to spend huge amoutns of money in the evenings going from shop to shop just buying things to eat to numb the emptiness. sometimes i would eat because i felt bored (though boredom is often felt by me as emptiness) or anxious or angry. i self harmed in other ways and overeating seemed to be an extension of that. but even when i was almost happy (i say that because happiness didnt happen often for me) i was still obsessed with food. sometimes i would eat with relief after having to do aomething difficult eg make a phone call (socially anxious and shy) or after an exam etc

when i shop or eat soemtimes i enjoy the food, other times i feel so much guilt or so low i can't really taste it. afterwards i just feel ashamed. i have gone out of my way to avoid being seen when i buy food. sometimes i find i cannot wait to start eating and i would cram the food in.....i hate myself afterwards and can feel myself getting fatter.

the thing is, i have been reading up on BED and it sounds very similar except:

sometimes i enjoy the taste if the food, people with BED rarely do. I feel my eating goes way deeper than just enjoying food too much but pleasure is a big part of it too- unlike with BED.

i dont always binge at a frantic pace, sometimes i do, and iu used to a lot but often when i binge or overeat i eat very quickly but not frantically. i think those with BED shove it down rarely tasting it. that is me only some of the time

my binges are often about suppressing feelings of shame. self hate, fear etc but sometimes i binge because am bored or the foods there or i feel empty or weird without a bursting belly even though i hate what i do

I have a sense that for me, although some binges are to repress feelings, often i binge as a distraction, to avoid feeling a certain way but most of the time it is like i am chasing to feel something. sometimes i have too many feelings, other times numb.

i feel like am constantly wanting an adrenalin "rush", a "buzz" or a sense of pleasure and joy and bingeing gives me that. my understanding is that BED is not about wanting to feel happy but just not to feel pain.

I do get that sense fo craving to feel something good or just feel something with other activities, shopping, internet etc and have been led to understand those are part of the BPD/EUPD diagnosis and the feligns of emptiness it brings. and yet i feel my eating is a huge thing and almost like something more??

I was once told by an ED doctor from an online organisation called ABC when I explained my feelings that in her opinion i DID sound like I may have BED and at time it made sense but when i read about other people's experiences of BED, it seems like although very similar there are fundamental differences? eg the pleasure thing, the adrenaline rush, eating because it seems eating is my only pleasure (like alot of people with BPD/EUPD i often feel empty and crave a stimulus and also find it difficult to feel pleasure from anything but a small narrow range of activities), the sense that life is never enough, i want more, more, more, more.

I have read about compulsive eating, some say it is another label for BED, others say it is a similar but distinct condition. i do feel the label of CO fits me more but i dont know what kind of help i can get for it because CO is not an official DSMV diagnosis.

I have had DBT for the BPD before under NHS and now am having private therapy for the abuse (I feel the eating may be to do with that) and i did try Overeaters Anon for a while and was doing well but then i found it hard to stick to the programme. i do find it hard to stick at things but i lasted for 2 years in OA with a good sponsor, which is a long time for me to stick at anything!

I dont know why am so bothered about my label- whether I actually have BED or not- i tend to be very obsessive about things though and i guess i feel like a "fraud" for having disordered eating which has wrecked my life to be honest (24 stone, size 26-28 clothes, age 38 but pre-diabetes with retinopathy in my eyes and sleep apnea which i use CPAP for and finacial issues due to the bingeing and grazing and overspending on other things) but yet not fitting any "real" ED label. my eating i scertainly not normal but am not sure i would fit the criteria for an ED diagnosis?

diets, i have tried them and i would start off over dieting and lose weight then go off track.... slimming world very carby. i do sometimes after a binge or eating forbidden food (refined sugar white bread) take laxatives. i dont do it often enough to qualify as bulimia. tried making myself sick but can't and i actually hate vomiting and get panicky if i have a stomach bug because i dread having to spew! GP did refer me a few years ago to ED services but did say in her letter that i dont make myself sick (she did not mention the laxatives, maybe becaus it only occasional). when i had (a few months later after GP writing) an appointment back with MH services the asessor told me in her opinion i did have a problem with food but not severe enough to warrant ED services and as my BPD/EUPD was still bad she kept that the main focus. in my cas enotes it just mentions overeating. which is odd because i tend to think of overrreating as something we all do at christmas or at a buffet or something- it seems like my issues are way more than just overeating!
 
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storminateacup

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
apologies for bad spelling, i actually can spell but am a bad typist and have a physical disability whivh does affect my movements!

i also forgot to mention that when am at my worst food wise my head is filled with eating or not eating- i can read a book and a certain food is mentioned and i want it and i am not kidding i will obsess about it for hours even days until i feel i have to eat "just a bit" to shut the craving up but of course, it never is a little bit....it ends up a huge lot. and i try to eat healthy foods but end up bingeing on them and sometimes it just isnt enough i need salt, fat, sugar!!! but i have even eaten stock cubes when there isnt any binge food left in house or cook pancakes if there is flour just to fill myself...
 
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Kaylabear18

Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Clacton on sea
Hi.
This sounds like me. I also really enjoy eating and food, and don't feel very guilty after, until I realise how much weight I've put on. I definitely taste and enjoy every bit.


I don't have depression or anxiety so I have no idea why I binge eat. Can't even find a trigger. I feel quite happy until I get the craving and they i just have to eat something....has to be the whole packet.

Saying this i still class myself as having BED not everyones symptoms are going to the the same.

I also done slimming World, twice, I lost 3 stone both times, but as soon as I stop iys all back on and more.

I've just started counselling, didn't go through doctors as mine are absolutely rubbish. Maybe you should find your own help. If you feel like you need it, the doctors shouldn't have turned you away.
 
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