This relationship doesnt feel right.

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Butterfly1812

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
46
Hello,
I just need to vent, my thoughts are going crazy and I do not want to burden my friends with this rubbish.
Firstly I have been diagnosed with Bpd then it was changed to complex ptsd either way God knows...I can be hard work basically. I am in long term attachment based psychoanalytical psychotherapy. It's hard but its helping.
So I'm in a relationship, it makes me very miserable but I stay because I'm always told if I wasn't so difficult everything would be ok. I always feel like I'm not good enough and that my partner has an issue with the way I look, although this is partly my insecurity he doesnt compliment me tbh no matter how much I try to impress him and he tells me things such as the attraction he has for me has gone down because I'm so insecure about the way I look and it's a turn off. When I speak to him about my insecurities he gets angry at me no matter which way I tell him. He says I am abusive, but I dont control him, look through his phone, ring him etc, stop him from going out neither am i physically or verbally abusive. He shouts at me all the time and asks me why I'm crying and how I do things when I'm upset that annoys him. He makes me feel worthless but says I'm too blame and i dont support him. He says i cause drama all the time and everything is a problem. He threatens to leave me all the time and even tells me hes giving me warnings that hes going to leave if I dont stop being insecure. He often tells me off for worrying about things and tells me I'm wrong all the time. Even though he says I'm not there for him, hes never there for me.
I feel so worthless but I'm never able to get my point across because he shouts at me and I almost choke on my words.
I feel so worthless, insecure and empty in this relationship but the strength to walk away is not there and I keep thinking what if this is all my fault. I'm complex but I dont ask for the world I really dont. I dont trust him, and I can be difficult. I cant get secure or feel good enough when he always walks away from me when I bring up an issue. He tells me I dont work hard enough at therapy and refused to be by my side after a suicide attempt.
I'm a good person I really am and I want someone who treats me like I deserve. I dont think this relationship is right but because I have low self esteem I cant decide if I'm right. I want someone who is there for me and encourages me to shine- is that too much to ask? Someone who doesnt get mad at me and someone who takes me at my lowest and doesnt put me down. Am I asking for too much. Idk.
Sorry I just needed to get it out. Maybe I'm wrong and this is what relationships are like.
Xx
 
toutatis

toutatis

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Jun 24, 2018
Messages
211
Location
new zealand
Aaw, I'm so sorry your boyfriend is quite dismissive when you open up about your insecurities and your feelings, @Butterfly1812. And I'm sorry he yells at you, too.

May I express my opinion, please? It's little wonder your trust in him has evaporated and dwindled, because, what I'm seeing when you try to confide in him and trust him with your innermost thoughts/emotions, is a pattern: he turns around and yells. That's not supportive, in fact it could be considered abusive, Butterfly1812. Would he yell at his best friend, mother, brother or sister for expressing their feelings as well? So, it's not right.

Good on you for keeping up with your therapy, too. I know a little about BPD, as my doctor suspected I may have it. I know how difficult it can make ones life.

Thank you for sharing and venting, as well. This site is a good site for that.

(((Hugs!)))
 
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Butterfly1812

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
46
Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. Yep, that's it! His behaviours and the ways in which he responds to me makes every issue I have feel far worse. There is no comfort in him or support, no matter how much I try to express that it just seems to anger him lol.
But I'm glad to get it out, and it for sure is helpful to just write it down here x
 
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Confusedandanxious

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Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
345
Location
Uk
You're questioning yourself and your feelings because of your illness. I want to tell you that what you're thinking and feeling is not wrong.
He doesnt sound like a very caring partner if I'm honest. I'd even go as far as saying that he is likely making you worse, and hindering your progress in therapy. He sounds abusive in all honesty.

You do deserve love, you do deserve a caring and supportive partner. What you want in a partner is not unreasonable and it is achievable.

I really really hope you find the strength to leave him so you can fully focus on your healing journey. You are worth so much more than he is making you believe.
 
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