• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

This psychotherapy is dreadful

cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
I fought a long battle to get psychotherapy on the NHS. I've been seeing her just over a year and I dread every appointment. I'm hanging on in there as maybe it will help in the long run. But she wants me to talk about my mother all the time (nightmare) and I dont know if I can do it. I fear it is making me worse as I spiral out of control after each appointment. I like her, and I believe she is trying to help me, but I just dont know how much more I can cope with.
It is frightening me.

Anyone else get this? What do you do? How do you cope???

I fel like she is breaking me down, and I dont know if it will help or collapse me permanently. And I am just trying to get up again.

Got my fortnightly appointment tomorrow. Not getting to sleep easily tonight as I am tense with dread, anxiety and fear.

I dont see my mother anymore. It was just too awful time and again. So she is driving in the right direction, but its just too awful to go there I think. I'd rather not remember.

Any support, advice or ideas very welcome.

All best wishes,
cloudberry

PS got a new kitten a few weeks ago - "Blue" - an Oriental Blue girl, so sweet, bright, cuddly and cute!:D ;) :hug: :clap: :clap: :clap: :drool:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
I can only give you my own experience.

I have recently seen a competent NHS psychologist. It was hard work. They too got me to talk & look at certain things which I did not want to look at, for similar reasons.

Before I always put the reason for things on the first 'psychotic break' & admittance to hospital, & events shorty before hand. I didn't see the roots of things going back further. Now I do. The psychologist helped me, along with other 'healing work' I have done & continue to do in my life - to see certain perspectives that I had never seen before. I feel that I have a fuller understanding of certain things that I didn't have before.

Wish I could have had that help 20 years ago. On one hand I wish the sessions were for longer. But I can maybe have more in 6 months or longer.

If approached with enough support - I firmly believe that the majority of people can recover though purely psychological & therapeutic non med means. Unfortunately the environments & opportunities are available to only a tiny minority for such recoveries. I think it's all a very sad state of affairs.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Yes...

Thankyou for that. I know the roots too - I had private councelling for many years, but as my NHS psychotherapist said (and I think she is right - having been a private therapist myself) they dont challenge as much as an NHS therapist does.

So I knew the roots ages ago, hence why I havnt really spoken to my mother for years. My whole family is really dysfunctional anyway. Sister bipolar. Dad schitzo. Mother.... who knows? Clever Sadist at the very least!

Its just the digging.

In the last 18 months I have managed to get some vol work and do it really fairly well and reliably - I have turned up. And as things get heavier with her I find I am flaking out more, cant cope. First it was for one day after the session, now its a week as it gains in intensity and she puts the pressure on for me to "spill the beans". And I dont really know what the beans are. I never have known why it was wierd or so bad. its as much a mystery to me as anyone.

All I do know is when in private counselling she hit on it, and I would ask my older sister (the one with bipolar) she would bite my head off sooner than discuss it.

She admitted to a few things I had remembered, but then would clam up and get aggressive with me for asking.

I think I know what I am going to tell her tomorrow. I have had the memory for about twenty years. I am 46. And the memory came quite spontaneously not from "recovered memory syndrome" or anything like that. My mother ios not only a sadist but she is also a lesbian. Her ways of "punishment" were unconventional to say the least.

How dreadful to have to admit stuff like this.

I cant bear it.

:(
 
shaun3210

shaun3210

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,805
Location
Up North
When I was in group therapy I let something slip about something that I found really difficult to think about, never mind talk about and didn’t feel in the slightest bit safe talking about it more fully at that time, but it was picked up on and I was asked to talk about it.

I spent time evading it over the next 3 or 4 sessions, I was getting fed up and dreading going so I think I know how you are feeling, I decided to be straight about it and said I didn’t want to talk about it as it felt far to much at the moment and the pressure they were putting on me, no matter how nicely they were doing it wasn’t helping me to feel any more comfortable about it, they didn’t bring it up again.

I did manage later to go back and talk about it but it had to be in my time and when I felt ready and safe to do so, maybe you could say something similar?

:)
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Thanks Shaun, yes

Yes, I have evaded it for quite some time. Its one to one therapy which is no doubt a bit easier (in some ways!!!).

I get you gist though about evading. And I know I am, and She knows I am too. and she is being very patient and gentle but also persistent about it. I am backed into a very well thought out corner. She is good.

But a corner none the less.

I've told her I am avoiding it. I've been honest. We have an analogy for it even - "the secret garden". That plus my mothers claims that I am always going to be a "chip off the old block" - end up being a lesbian. And that she put so much pressure on me to "be nice to" her lesbian friends who had crushes on me when I was a teenager and lived at home still. I'll never forget. One in particular.

Nightmare.

I was 13.

I am not gay despite that my mother would wish me so to mimic her.

Its such a trap.

Thankyou for listening. I know its late and I am upset, so it is especially welcome.

cloudberry:cry:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
shaun3210

shaun3210

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,805
Location
Up North
I’m so sorry to hear your upset cloudberry:(

I really hope you manage to stick to the psychotherapy and get something from it, I know in the past it has helped me

While I’m not at the place I need to be yet! I’m a lot better than I used to be and more self-aware because of it, which is a blessing and curse at the same time at times lol but far better than the lumbering idiot I used to be when I was say 20 and leaves me more hopeful I will get somewhere with it's help in the long run :hug:
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time cloudberry. There is not much that I can add to what has been said. For me psychotherapy/analysis has been enormously painful and wearisome and difficult - but that is also the only times it has been any good. And the experiences/feelings I have had to try to confront and deal with are not nearly as bad as yours. Even now I find sessions really draining but when I was still at the sort of stage you are they were devastating - in fact I used to sometimes be driven to self-medicate after them (this is NOT something you should do :rolleyes:). All I can say is that I believe that it is worth persisting with and in time a breakthrough will come which can be enormously beneficial.

Nick.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I've had to talk about some pretty horrendous stuff and wish I hadn't but the after effects are worth having. Yes it hurts like crazy and you can feel as if you're disintegrating but avoiding it only puts it off.

It's a bit like if you have a badly arthritic hip and know that that's the reason you can't walk properly or join in those things where good hips are essential - like walking around etc. You know that the solution is a new hip but you refuse the operation and look for other solutions. Sometimes we just have to believe and trust and that's hard.
 
N

Nutter_09

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
136
Location
Middlesex
I totally understand how you feel!
I have just started counselling - waiting since Xmas, this one is not on the NHS, its a charity, voulentry one that relies on donations.
I feel like she wants to see me cry! The one thing I dont wanna talk about, she always brings up - I get in a state so she says we will talk about other things, then she slips a question in again. I have spoken about the issue a lot and it never gets any better so i just avoid discussing it. I am told that they know what they are doing and just stick to it so I will see how I go.

My advice is to stick with it as long as you can - talk to your counellor about how you feel.

Take care
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Update

Thanks to all who have joined in this thread and offered valuable support.

As these things go, just as it was getting really hairy about the past she suddenly decided she wanted to talk about the present! So it hasnt been too bad. We talked about my new-ish boyfriend. And she asked a lot of questions. I thought I had told her he had been in prison but I hadnt it would seem.

Then I threw her the big line (bear in mind I was sexually abused as a child) that he will be on the sex offenders register for life and is on licence until 2012. That gave her loads to chew on, so I dont think she is going to want to talk about my mum and dad etc for a while, I hope!

Once again thankyou to all, its brought up a few issues we are all sharing.
I wish us all luck!

cloudberry
 
Eleison

Eleison

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 21, 2008
Messages
815
Location
London
You know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking that it's not the psychotherapy that's dreadful, it's what happened to you as a child and since, the way you've been treated by your mother and others - that's the dreadful thing.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Wish you luck Cloudberry - I had 6 coping strategies and am going to be starting c.b.t at end of May - I know so other stuff as well - The coping strategy stuff wasn;t even easy so I think there is where a lot of us are in that scary uncertain place.
Take good care
KS
:hug:
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
You are right.

That is very true. I think about my mother every day. And wish things had been different. But they are not. And it is better now that I dont have contact with her. I realised last week I havnt seen her for over two years now, since she came to see me in hospital when I had had 33 stitches following a suicide attempt.

She really came to gloat. Said she would clean my flat up (blood everywhere). But just went to my flat, looked at the mess and went home again.

Wanted me to go and stay with her so she could "look after me", which I didnt want to do and said No. She is like a child and you always end up looking after her anyway. My sister found that when she was pregnant.

No, she is a monster.

I missed the psychotherapy yesterday. I am feeling really wierd and agoraphobic. Spent the day throwing a rock around my sitting room. :mad: Smashed the walls up quite a bit and a few breakages. But it let a lot out.

I'm all screwed up about something, but I'll post that in a separate thread.

I love this group. Thanks for listening. Sometimes it feels like all I have got. And I really value being able to post on here.

love to all, :hug:
cloudberry

You know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking that it's not the psychotherapy that's dreadful, it's what happened to you as a child and since, the way you've been treated by your mother and others - that's the dreadful thing.
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Sorry that you are having such a bad time cloudberry but do keep coming here and posting - that is what the Forum is for (or one of the things :)).

Nick.
 
justme

justme

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
48
Location
UK
I can totally relate i dread with a passion my weekly session I just can not get my head around therapy I say often I dont want to open pandoras box as the lid is shut tightly
so most of my therapy is just daily events I do not think it agrees with me at all as when I try to go there I come baack triggered and just harm myself
 
Top