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This piece of music reminds of the pain I went through...

frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
238
Location
South Korea
I first listened to Lakey Inspired (a hip-hop artist I discovered) during March. I went through horrid experiences early this year, and his tracks soothe me.

I suffered too much this January through March, and even worse in Spring.

My mother was suffering from delusional disorder. She believed that she was facing persecution from dark spiritual forces manifested in evil-minded people, despite there was none. She raged about it, and caused trouble. I went to the doctor to get help. He gave her Risperidone and Lithium to ease her anger and delusions. They seemed to calm her down, but she went back again.

She was so angry that she became alcoholic. That seemed to calm her down, but my doctor warned that could bring dangers.
He urged me not to have her drink alcohol.

I tried that for months. I tried telling her. I tried pouring the alcohol out into the sink. Nothing worked. There were times she never took her pills properly. I tried to force her for months, but it doesn't work. She was spiraling out of control and I couldn't stop it.

But my mind pushed me to push harder or else everything is over.

I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been taking pills properly, but this situation scared me beyond limits.

From what I've learned from websites, you just worry about yourself if someone is not willing to receive help. But I can't. She might end up homeless if she spirals down the path. I feel like I have to do better in order to survive. Without her, I feel like I can't survive. I can get a job, who on earth is going to take care of her? There's a possibility that I can't get a job. Or won't make enough money. My father is exhausted, and cannot pay for her hospital bills if she gets admitted into one. And since I am an undergraduate from a college, I can't pay for our living expenses and her expenses.

But she recovered this July. We went to a different doctor and she took different pills such as Risperidone and Depakote.

But I loathe the memories of going through the park in winter, seeing dead plants and lifelessness. Add that with no people. Worrying about whether she would commit suicide, or commit harm. If that happens, my family would reject me and lose financial support. It's hard to get a job in South Korea. Although I'm an American, I came to South Korea for family support on finances and affordable healthcare. The taxes and healthcare costs are too high in US. So I'm stuck...

I tried to listen to music. Nothing cheers me up. But there's one particular piece of music that led me to more misery and longing.

I suffered from her for 10 years. It can fuck a person up. :panic: And after a few months later, his tracks bring me only pain. I have no criticism towards his music though.


When I looked at this track that Lakey Inspired released this July, it depicted him sitting in a flower field. This remembered the Spring of this year, walking alone in the park, flowers blooming, and enjoying none of it due to my pain. I was terrified. I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. And looking after my mother without assistance fro 6 months (I had help in the past) can terrify anyone without the money to treat the person. I don't have enough money to hospitalize her. The doctors gave up on me (Thankfully, one of the doctors from the best hospitals helped us eventually). So I didn't know what would I do. I did make some wrong choices (such as going to a crazy pastor- I left her months ago) to get help.

But what pains me worse is, February was worse. I walked through the park with dead plants and no people- worrying about lots of things. Just loneliness and terror. It is the most torturous thing that I went through.


I tried to listen to variety of music (such as this weird Sailor Moon Orchestra). But they become torture to listen due to their triggers. Now I have not much to listen to. Plus, my future is uncertain. Although my father will take care of my mother after two years, but I cannot move away from them because there are no job opportunities. I major in Computer science, and it doesn't mean shit. Jobs are competitive in US, and it sucks. And here in South Korea, it sucks even worse! Don't know what to do...
 
J

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
130
Location
UK
I’m sorry to read about all your difficulties. Its never easy when a loved one is so ill and of course you are going to worry. I hope she gets better and stays well. It sounds like you have some triggers from the music you liked. I understand that, I too have an album I once really loved but unfortunately I can’t listen to it anymore as it triggers off a bad episode. I haven’t listened to it since. Have you tried some meditation or white noise sounds, (loads on YouTube). I find them helpful. I hope you find life improves, try not to be so hard on yourself. You’ve been through some serious stuff. Now it’s time to look after you, one day at a time.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
238
Location
South Korea
I’m sorry to read about all your difficulties. Its never easy when a loved one is so ill and of course you are going to worry. I hope she gets better and stays well. It sounds like you have some triggers from the music you liked. I understand that, I too have an album I once really loved but unfortunately I can’t listen to it anymore as it triggers off a bad episode. I haven’t listened to it since. Have you tried some meditation or white noise sounds, (loads on YouTube). I find them helpful. I hope you find life improves, try not to be so hard on yourself. You’ve been through some serious stuff. Now it’s time to look after you, one day at a time.
Thank you for your empathy. However, there are some cool tracks I listen to before I went through the pain. This makes me forget the pain.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
443
Location
California, USA
Hi frisas!

Sorry to hear that something you enjoyed now brings you pain. Maybe you can try listening to other music? Do you play instruments?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
10,298
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I'm so sorry, frisas, i know how hard it is to have songs you cannot listen to without them triggering you, theres one song i can never listen to ever again :hug:
 
J

Jules5

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Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,740
Location
Florida
Hi frisas are you getting treatment for yourself? You mention your mom a lot but yet you have mental health issues too that need treatment. Not just through music. I am wishing well love Jules
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
238
Location
South Korea
Hi frisas!

Sorry to hear that something you enjoyed now brings you pain. Maybe you can try listening to other music? Do you play instruments?
I do listen to other music. That makes me feel better. Haha...
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
238
Location
South Korea
Hi frisas are you getting treatment for yourself? You mention your mom a lot but yet you have mental health issues too that need treatment. Not just through music. I am wishing well love Jules
I take antipsychotics and attend counselling. Thanks for the advice!
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
10,298
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Oh... What happened?
sorry notifications didnt tell me i got quoted, only just realised this was here

basically, split up with abusive ex (not going into details about that) but long story short family then took away the one thing i had left and that song was playing when they did that :sorry:

i cant talk about that stuff even now, i get triggered :cry:
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
238
Location
South Korea
sorry notifications didnt tell me i got quoted, only just realised this was here

basically, split up with abusive ex (not going into details about that) but long story short family then took away the one thing i had left and that song was playing when they did that :sorry:

i cant talk about that stuff even now, i get triggered :cry:
I see. That's WAY fucked up. :low: I'm sorry to hear this shit... That must've been nerve-wracking. My heart breaks for you! I went through some similiar things that you went through. Sometimes I want to escape from them, but there's no way out. I want to live a peaceful life, but it seems to be like a mirage...
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
10,298
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I see. That's WAY fucked up. :low: I'm sorry to hear this shit... That must've been nerve-wracking. My heart breaks for you! I went through some similiar things that you went through. Sometimes I want to escape from them, but there's no way out. I want to live a peaceful life, but it seems to be like a mirage...
other people think its stupid

my cat was the only thing i had left and they took him away and new owners let him out to early and he was never found :cry:

i cannot talk about it any more :cry:
 
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