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This pain inside

Parissa

Parissa

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I have this pain inside. It's not depression as such, but is a kind of depressive pain. A hurt. A physical pain in my chest, but not anxiety. It is the past and it is making me depressed of the emotional kind. A depressive feeling that anti depressants cannot touch.

My dad. Rejecting and emotionally abusive.

Previous relationships where i wasn't treated well although didn't behave that well myself due to dad-related issues i think.

Previous work relationships where certain colleagues didn't like me or said unkind things to me or to other people about me.

Family members who have been spiteful towards me.

Friends that i have fallen out with.

Strangers that have been spiteful towards me for no reason. One stranger once told me to die because i would't let him jump the queue and go in front of me.

Past dates where the person has said they didn't feel a connection aka rejection.

Two different psychiatrists that were spiteful in two different hospitals.

Being shouted at by nurses at the accident and emergency department. Being left without water for hours and hours, made to sit amongst people bleeding and vomitting. Not an ounce of care or understand for the fact that i had just tried to take my own life. A cold psychiatric team sending me home after careless questioning like i am some waste of space.

I don't think i've done this pain justice with my pathetic descrptions, but i have this deep seated pain. I talk to a counsellor and every time i walk in with something different, but i'm also going over the same stuff again and again like i can't let go of it. I cling on to these bad times, my emotional baggage, a heavy weight on my shoulders. Some people can get on with life and work with their emotional baggage. I wonder if i just have so much and that is why i cannot get on with life? I think there is just too much. I am like an abused dog that is put down because it cannot be rehomed due to it's behaviours due to it's poor emotional state.

I know others have been through so much too. I know i wasn't sexually abused or beaten, but i have to self-validate here and say that life has been one long agonising, difficult, painful, pool of hurt. I feel like i have no energy to carry on. All i can do is watch TV, eat, cook, clean, but nothing more. I know i have to return to my job soon, i know i could hold off for another few months, to make the most of this counselling, but seriously i think i could talk for another ten years and never get over what has gone on in my life.

Life confuses me. I just want to hide away from everything. I hate watching the news. That lady who was depressed and killed herself and her newborn, that scares me. Depression takes over your mind and suicide is a real risk. I'm not suicidal and i'm not actually depressed, but i am weary, tired, saddened by so much.

I just do not know what to do with myself.

:low:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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You do seem to worry awfully about others opinions of you. I know how much its easier said than done to not care but I think I'm very black and white in that respect.
To quote studio ghibli 'a hearts a heavy burden'
You just need to get out your rut, you may suprise yourself and have fun but right now with people everywhere its hard to go anywhere without people to stress and anger me, maybe they don't for you?
What I think I'm trying to say is keep your head above water and in the new year just make yourself get out there maybe for a day and see how you feel. All your troubles will seem so much more insignificant once you get your positive brain back :)
 
katya

katya

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I agree loads with Parissa.

I know it's really hard not to feel hurt by being treated badly; it makes you question whether or not there's something wrong with you, and that's the hardest thing (for me).

I've been in workplaces where my colleagues clearly didn't like me and it really messed with my confidence; it gave me that sinking feeling in my chest that you describe. It's like someone's knocked the wind out of you. (They did the same to loads of people - it was basically a department ran by a massive bully.)

Please don't let it cloud your opinion of yourself, though. People can treat others badly, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person or deserve that treatment. Also, try not to focus on all of the instances where someone's hurt you; it'll make it seem like a bigger issue or a pattern which might also affect your self-esteem/perception of yourself.
 

cpuusage

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I have this pain inside. It's not depression as such, but is a kind of depressive pain. A hurt. A physical pain in my chest, but not anxiety. It is the past and it is making me depressed of the emotional kind. A depressive feeling that anti depressants cannot touch.

I don't think i've done this pain justice with my pathetic descrptions, but i have this deep seated pain. I talk to a counsellor and every time i walk in with something different, but i'm also going over the same stuff again and again like i can't let go of it. I cling on to these bad times, my emotional baggage, a heavy weight on my shoulders. Some people can get on with life and work with their emotional baggage. I wonder if i just have so much and that is why i cannot get on with life? I think there is just too much. I am like an abused dog that is put down because it cannot be rehomed due to it's behaviours due to it's poor emotional state.

Life confuses me. I just want to hide away from everything. I hate watching the news.

I'm not suicidal and i'm not actually depressed, but i am weary, tired, saddened by so much.

I just do not know what to do with myself.
Hi. i can very much identify with all that. Some days it's not as bad as others.

i feel we need to give things time & keep trying with things; to go into, work through & resolve it, with whatever helps.

i think that emotional stuff is at the core of most mental health difficulties, it's at least a big part - & i'm not sure it's that easy to resolve deeper rooted psychological/emotional pain & disturbance - All the mental health system generally wants to do is blame the brain/individual, label it & administer drugs, which i don't see really resolves anything? i think people need time, space & understanding, nurturing & therapeutic environments, to be deeply listened to & validated, & allowed/supported to work through & process everything - if they so choose.
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Bedford
Hi. i can very much identify with all that. Some days it's not as bad as others.

i feel we need to give things time & keep trying with things; to go into, work through & resolve it, with whatever helps.

i think that emotional stuff is at the core of most mental health difficulties, it's at least a big part - & i'm not sure it's that easy to resolve deeper rooted psychological/emotional pain & disturbance - All the mental health system generally wants to do is blame the brain/individual, label it & administer drugs, which i don't see really resolves anything? i think people need time, space & understanding, nurturing & therapeutic environments, to be deeply listened to & validated, & allowed/supported to work through & process everything - if they so choose.
Work through and resolve, absoltely, and i'm working on that but i fear it will take a lifetime and always hurt. I too wish the mental health services could provide help with this but i think it is just being human. Some people have been through more than others, and some people's depression is more linked to these psychological issues. I think for me it is both, as anti depressants whip away the actual depression very quickly, it comes back when i stop them, goes away again when i start them, but i am still left with these emotional issues. They are deeply ingrained and hard to shift. They leave me with a depressive feeling even when the actual depression has gone. I don't know which is worse, the actual depression or the emotional depression. The emotional depression is much harder to treat so i will go with that. A lifetime, how daunting. I've read your posts about what you have been through also. I'm sorry you can understand how i feel.

Love Parissa
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Nov 22, 2014
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Location
Bedford
You do seem to worry awfully about others opinions of you. I know how much its easier said than done to not care but I think I'm very black and white in that respect.
To quote studio ghibli 'a hearts a heavy burden'
You just need to get out your rut, you may suprise yourself and have fun but right now with people everywhere its hard to go anywhere without people to stress and anger me, maybe they don't for you?
What I think I'm trying to say is keep your head above water and in the new year just make yourself get out there maybe for a day and see how you feel. All your troubles will seem so much more insignificant once you get your positive brain back :)
I do worry what others think. I think that comes from being treated badly by my dad. It left me worried what was wrong with me to deserve his anger and hatred. Made me feel bad to be me. Made me worry what others thought about me from there. Always feeling inferior, awkward, ashamed of myself, inferior and unwanted, at risk of rejection and abandonment. I'm getting there, i've got a lot better but it's still there. Deeply ingrained these personality traits are.

Love Parissa
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Joined
Nov 22, 2014
Messages
234
Location
Bedford
I agree loads with Parissa.

I know it's really hard not to feel hurt by being treated badly; it makes you question whether or not there's something wrong with you, and that's the hardest thing (for me).

I've been in workplaces where my colleagues clearly didn't like me and it really messed with my confidence; it gave me that sinking feeling in my chest that you describe. It's like someone's knocked the wind out of you. (They did the same to loads of people - it was basically a department ran by a massive bully.)

Please don't let it cloud your opinion of yourself, though. People can treat others badly, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person or deserve that treatment. Also, try not to focus on all of the instances where someone's hurt you; it'll make it seem like a bigger issue or a pattern which might also affect your self-esteem/perception of yourself.
You are so right, all of what you said,, but particulary about not focussing on all the things that have gone wrong, because all added up together is one but whapping great bad feeling. There are many more people that had loved, admired, respected, wanted me. I have to remember that. I do believe these feelings all date back to my dad and how he abandoned me and never wanted me. I understand in a way that he was staying away from my mum, waiting until i was 16/18 so he could have a relationship then, but by then the damage was done. As an adult he has hit me, said he hates me several times, been very critical of my appearance, other things, lots of other things, loads of other things, but mostly abandonment.

Some people just are unkind, you are right there. Colleagues that have made me feel so small, it is their problem. But i cannot just relinquish all responsibility of the nastiness that has come in my direction. I just cannot. But maybe i should because i know i'm nice and kind and good deep down. I know i would never hurt anyone. My mum says that is my weakness because i am an easy target, and that people see that weakness, they think they can get away with treating you like that. Like a target for bullies. They prey on the weak. I wasn't bullied, but people were nasty to me at school, one offs. I was so quiet i kept away from all those sorts of poeple. I kept out of it all but i saw people being beaten up and it traumatised me.
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Bedford
A lifetime of sadness. A lifetime affected by the past. I don't think it will get easier, i just think i will become more and more aware of it. It has only relatively recently fully pierced my consciousness. My chemical depression was bad, yes, but this emotional depression on top, that is the cause of suicide attempts. I have no doubt about that. The emotional depression was the cause of the pain. Chemical depression just makes my body ache, takes away my energy so that i cannot get out of bed, makes me hot, makes me feel as though i have flu, makes me isolate, makes me slow, unable to think, walk, move, talk. But emotional depression causes the mental agony. The chemical depression, they say it makes you feel unconfident, negative thinking, guilt. I truly believe those particular symptoms the psychiatrists have mixed up with emotional depression. Chemical depression is all in the body in my opinion. Emotional depression is in the mind. I'm sure that is the case for me. Others may disagree. This is how it is for me, i'm sure.

I talk to the counsellor. I use her as needed. I sometimes see her colleague, a man, when she isn't available. I have to be cautious seeing men as i get attached. I am ashamed of times in the past i have been attached. These poor unsuspecting male GP's, psychiatrists, counsellors, they get that girl without a daddy issue and all that comes with it. I can hide it, to a certain extent, but the emotions are intense and the need to be cared for, loved, found attractive even (the sexual side is quite confusing but all part of the same absent father issue i think). Envy of their family, their Christmas, theur children. I want to be their child. They seem such good and understanding men and i want them to be my dad. It pains me when separated from them. I actually leave them, left the counsellor, left the psychiatrist, left the GP. It bluddy well hurt. I lay in bed for a week in physical pain. My heart broken again. I was very aware that the pain i was feeling was actually that of the loss of not having my own dad, transferred onto some poor bloke oblivious to their affect on me.

Men at work, i feel self-conscious. I cannot cope with men of my dad's age. Men a bit older than me. I cannot cope with those needy feelings.

The bullying in the work place by women mostly, the criticism, she's got problems one boss said. A nurse, her husband a GP, she said i had problems to aother colleague i was close to. I do have problems but i hate that they were so visible. Bullying by some relatives. Bullying by some friends. I don't know how to deal with these issues i have. I hate myself for them sometimes. I just lay in bed and cried a little.

Emotional depression is what i'm calling it. There must be another name. That is my name for it. My chemical depression has gone thanks to escitalopram. Escitalopram cannot fix this. No GP or psychiatrist can fix this. A counsellor can only listen and validate. But how much validation do i need. I'm in a desert and so thirsty for it. I am so frozen by this broken heart, broken spirit, that i cannot imagine going back to work. Last time i went back t work i was relatively unawae of this. It was mostly unconscious. Now the cat is out of the bag. My soul is fully aware and awake. I am off the mirtazapine, which numbed my mind, allowed me to stuff these feelings away. I miss that numbing sometimes, but i am coping with these feelings. I do not feel suicidal anymore. I am not drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I am not harming myself with lorazepam after lorazepam. I am fully awake and aware and it physically hurts my chest. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what will fix it.

I'm strong enough to deal with shit people though. No other wanker will hurt me. I will not take shit from anyone now. Apologies for the language. I will not be walked all over. I'm scared to come up against a bully in the workplace again because they will get a bluddy mouthful of shit from me. I have had it up to here and beyond with people walking all over me. I will not put up with even an eye roll now. They will be told to f**k off. I will probably get into trouble. Is it better to be a doormat. I will get a reputation for different reasons. Where once i would cry and be weak, worry, now i will be verbally abusive myself. I don't think this is a bad thing. After all, a bully is a bully because they have been treated like shit themselves. They are me, unconsciously burying deep hurts, me a few years ago.Compassionate but firm. Please don't talk to me in that manner, i will not accept people treating me in this way. And i will not take crap from them. I will pull them up every time. I will not be walked all over.

When chemically depressed i don't think i have this strength. I walk with my head down, shy away.
 
Parissa

Parissa

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This morning i am still not chemically depressed. The escitalopram is working well now. I'm not emotionally depressed just now either. I have a busy day today with family, not looking forward to any potential rows but am looking forward to going out Christmas shopping at the Christmas market.

I am so pleased as i just went on facebook as i had changed my profiel picture last night. A couple of friends in the US said i looked beautiful and one said inside and out! How wonderful is that. Inside and out! I forget that they are friends because they live so far away but we write all the time, send Christmas cards and all that. They were nurses over her years ago with me, temporarily. There is another friend i met over here who was from there too, a male nurse. I still keep in touch with him. He is a dad-age man and is very happy to send me Christmas presents by post of every and give me advice as needed via email. I forget i have these good people in my life. It is easy to get swallowed up by the negative.

:D
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Life is so hard. Relationships are so hard. I feel boughts by some relatives, manipulated. I have so much anger and hurt inside and it all comes spilling out. People are talking about each other, and it is going to blow, the family i mean, there is a lot going on, lots of falling out going on, lots of lies, lots of people being two-faced. It's messes with my peace. I cannot cope with it. The hatred, nastiness, lies, pretence, buying people, you can't buy my love. Or is it a sign of love.

I'm drained emotionally, absolutely dreained. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to speak to, who to be angry at, who to forgive, who to dump from my life, who to listen to, who is telling the truth, who is not. I'm so confused.

The bad thoughts of the past, they are just the icing on the confused cake. I feel quashed by it all. I am exhaused emotionally. I don't know what to do with myself. Emotionally i am up and down. I feel good, then i feel worried, then angry, then safe, then afraid.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I can sympathise, I'm in the same boat. I feel better about my bf bit about ready to never speak to my mate again! Not that she ever bothers to talk to me anyway. Good luck finding your answers :)
 
Parissa

Parissa

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Relationships are hard wildflower, i hope you are happy with your decision about your mate. Sometimes it is better to just end a relationship. I seem to be doing it a lot lately! But i think i am just getting to an age where i refuse to put up with shit or people being shit to me. I just downright refuse to let it happen. I'm not going to take it anymore. We seem to cling on to certain mates or relatives, i don't know why, but who says we need to keep certain people in our lives forever? We don't. Sometimes it is them and not us. I always used to blame myself but now im starting to think hang on, you are the one with the issues here. My other friends/relatives don't treat me this way so why should i let you?

:mad:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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All my life ive easily cut ties with ’best' friends that dont care. My bf went round hers tonight, he said shes oblivious to how much its upset me and quite frankly that said it all. She can't care one bit if she hasn't notice how down and withdrawn I've become. We don't need people in our lives who are only there for THEIR self satisfaction, they can fuck off! Any relationship, friend ,family, spouse has to work both ways. Don't be treated like a door mat! I think its my rage helps me make irrational desicions like this easily, I've dwelled on it for months, she hasnt noticed. Pah
 
Parissa

Parissa

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You are right. It's good to be hard sometimes. I think many people with depression are quite sensitive and easily hurt, and let people walk all over them. Not all, but many. The fact that your mate feels that way, it sounds like you are better to get rid of her from your life. It's a loss that hurts for a while, and you remember all the good times you have had, but you realise that they don't feel the same way about you as you feel about them. It is completely one-sided. I have always done the running around, especially at this time of year, taking presents, but this year i decided no, i'm not doing it. There are some who are coming to me now and that makes me think yes they do give a shit about me. The ones who aren't bothering to visit me, well i won't bother to visit them. Relationships have to be two-way like you say. You cannot be a door mat.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I'll toast to that with my Horlicks haha I'm so fuckin rock n roll!

I'm an introvert and very much happy with my own company and the internet to get lost into. So much information! I don't read in the traditional sense but I love to expand my knowledge and the internet is perfect for me as I don't need to go near people to access it!
Just needs to man up and phone for councilling interview, this is one phone call my bf can't make for me :(
 
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