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This is my first post... I need help.

F

Fenrir

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Hi.

I'm new here, but I need someone to talk to about my situation because I actually have 0 friends, and my family has made it abundantly clear they will not help me. I've been unemployed since June, I was fired because I ran out of my medication for 1 week, and was told I was "Scaring the staff". I've been unable to hold a steady job for the past 5 years. I have no money, no transportation (anxiety from driving so don't want my licence), and no support from anyone.

I stay at home all day because I live on the outskirts of my city, and it's about a 4.5KM walk to do anything. It's made it extremely difficult for my to make my doctor's appointments (I missed my last one 2 months ago, and have not made another), as well as trying to look for a job. I am not under qualified, I've worked as a professional Line cook for most of my Adult life, and yet I receive 0 response from employers, even with my impressive resume. It's been Months of handing resumes out, and receiving 0 phone calls. My phone is now cut off because I cannot afford it, and I now have no option for employers to contact me.

MY family, as stated, will not help me. I've made efforts to ask them for help and they've done nothing but make me feel like a burden that isn't wanted. I asked my mother for a coffee this morning, which costs $2. I told her if she didn't have the money, then it's perfectly fine and not to worry about it. She brought me the coffee, but she made a huge scene about it, slamming the doors and being incredibly pissy about the whole situation. This is what I'm met with when I ask them for help. I can't even ask for a $2 coffee, how am I supposed to ask for anything else, when I'm made to feel like a complete piece of garbage for asking for something as little as that.

I don't really want to start going to my doctor's again, because he's only a Family practitioner, and isn't an actual Mental Health doctor. 90% of my visits are him asking me questions about my past, my getting in a pretty bad mood, and then leaving in a bad mood. Nothing gets solved. No goals are set. No outlines for my future are discussed. It just turns into me bitching about my life, and him nodding along and jotting things down on a notepad.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. It's been 4 years of this and nothing has improved. I've considered just leaving this house, and becoming homeless, but I know that would only put me in a more difficult position then I already am. I've attempted suicide, and failed, and was handcuffed to be bed in the hospital overnight. I've gone to hospital for someone to watch me when I get these urges, and they just put me in a room by myself with no one to talk to and a blanket that smells like piss, for hours, until I just get up and leave when I see the window to do so.

I am at rock, fucking, bottom. And I have no support, and seemingly no way out of this. I understand you may not think this, but there are quite a few things I've left out of this for fear of my family reading it, and noticing it is extremely close to MY EXACT situation. I feel i have 0 options, and my reason to go on is very quickly vanishing, along with my health. (I've lost over 100 pounds since the beginning of this year, because food is not provided to me. I go days without eating, then have a piece of toast because it's all I have.)

I'm desperate for someone to talk to, and this is the only place I could think of to turn. I appreciate you taking your personal time to read, and if you choose so, to reply. Thank you.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,242
Location
England
Hi Fenrir,
Welcome to the forum,
I'm terribly sorry about your problems, you will find support here at the forum.
Many of us have been in your situation and will help you.
Again sorry about your family.
You really need to see a psychiatrist, not sure if that can be an option for you?
Here to listen.
Can you claim any assistance in Canada?
You are trying so hard to get a job, it must be very distressing.
Hope life is kinder to you in the future.
You have qualifications which is great, it's not fair you've been discriminated against.
Take care
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
:welcome: to the forum. I am so sorry about your situation. I hope you can find a psychiatrist and make it to your appointments. I don't really know what to say. I have never been in a situation quite like yours. I hope you get better. Sorry your family is so uncaring. Real friends are so hard to find and they are very rare. They are even harder to find if you have mental illnesses. But you can make friends in the future. I hope you don't become homeless. I agree with Mayflower7. I think you should look into emergency aid to help you out. Can't you get on unemployment in Canada? Good luck. Please keep us posted. :hug:
 
F

Fenrir

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Government assistance is available in Canada. I have tried to enter the program before, but I was drilled with questions about why i didn't apply sooner, and treated very poorly. They didn't seems to care at all about my situation. My doctor had given me a written notice explaining to them that I have severe depression issues. The whole process was incredibly slow, and I wasn't ready to take on having to fill out a shit ton of application forms, keep monthly tabs on my income, or return to the building for check-ups. I suppose I could walk there, which is about 5km away from where I live, to sit in their office for over a half an hour waiting to be treated like a second class citizen, and talked down to like I'm some degenerate who can't get their life together. It just doesn't seem very appealing to me. Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
Sorry they treat you like that. But I would encourage you to go through all their hoops. I don't want you to be homeless. It's a pain in the head but it needs to be done. I hope you do it. :hug:
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
515
Government assistance is available in Canada. I have tried to enter the program before, but I was drilled with questions about why i didn't apply sooner, and treated very poorly. They didn't seems to care at all about my situation. My doctor had given me a written notice explaining to them that I have severe depression issues. The whole process was incredibly slow, and I wasn't ready to take on having to fill out a shit ton of application forms, keep monthly tabs on my income, or return to the building for check-ups. I suppose I could walk there, which is about 5km away from where I live, to sit in their office for over a half an hour waiting to be treated like a second class citizen, and talked down to like I'm some degenerate who can't get their life together. It just doesn't seem very appealing to me. Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses.
I am sure that the treatment you get from the government is very unpleasant. Nevertheless, it is the only help that is available to you, since you have no family support. I would really strongly urge you to force yourself to go the government, and get any assistance you are entitled to. I know it is very hard to do for someone who has mental illness, but you have no choice. Also, force yourself to go to any physician appointments you have. Again, I know it is hard, but you must help yourself. No one is going to do this for you. I don't want to sound harsh, but really, it is what you must do if you are going to survive.

I am not sure exactly how the system works in Canada, but typically one must go to a GP and then get a referral to a psychiatrist. You need to get back on the meds you had before, apparently they were working and you were functional.

This is the nasty and insidious nature of depression. It tends to drag a person down lower and lower. Often other people, including family members do not understand. I know perfectly what the feeling is. I lose work, due to my mental disorder, other people shun me, I run out of money, and it gets worse and worse. I am facing the same type of life and death fight myself. I'm trying desperately to get the mental health care I need. A solution is elusive, since I have treatment resistant depression. Everything starts to go downhill quickly. Bills pile up, stress level increases, and the cycle gets worse.

However, you really need to seek any help that is available. It may be quite unpleasant to obtain this help, but you have to try, to have a chance to survive.

You were able to function and have work in the past. You can do it again, if you can get the help and care that you need.

From the way that you write, I can tell you are a fairly intelligent person. I am sure you can feel better and climb out of this hole you are in, but it won't be easy.
 
F

Fenrir

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
7
Location
Canada
I'll have to go on Monday since the office is currently closed, and won't be open until the weekend is over. I appreciate your words, not harsh at all, you're just telling me how it really is, which is a lot more beneficial to me then someone trying to avoid hurting my feelings by meandering around actual topics that need to be discussed. I'll for sure keep everyone updated on how things are going, you guys have been the most help I've received in years, even if it's only been a few words here and there. I do very much appreciate it.

Thank you as well for the compliment on my writing. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you for that. I promise, you'll get an update on Monday. Much love.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
515
I'll have to go on Monday since the office is currently closed, and won't be open until the weekend is over. I appreciate your words, not harsh at all, you're just telling me how it really is, which is a lot more beneficial to me then someone trying to avoid hurting my feelings by meandering around actual topics that need to be discussed. I'll for sure keep everyone updated on how things are going, you guys have been the most help I've received in years, even if it's only been a few words here and there. I do very much appreciate it.

Thank you as well for the compliment on my writing. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you for that. I promise, you'll get an update on Monday. Much love.
Yes, go to the office and keep going until you get the benefits you are entitled to. Be persistent and do all you can to see a psych doctor. You haven't any other way. I have similar problems. But we need to keep fighting if we intend to survive. The outside world does not care, one way or the other. This disease is a fight and a struggle. If we give up, it will drag us down to the bottom. That is how mental illness is. It is very painful and difficult to combat. It takes great strength to keep up the fight. But it is the only way. Don't give up on yourself. And yes, give us an update. Please take care. I know what you are going through.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
I'll have to go on Monday since the office is currently closed, and won't be open until the weekend is over. I appreciate your words, not harsh at all, you're just telling me how it really is, which is a lot more beneficial to me then someone trying to avoid hurting my feelings by meandering around actual topics that need to be discussed. I'll for sure keep everyone updated on how things are going, you guys have been the most help I've received in years, even if it's only been a few words here and there. I do very much appreciate it.

Thank you as well for the compliment on my writing. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you for that. I promise, you'll get an update on Monday. Much love.
You're welcome. And thank you. Fenrir. :hug:
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
For many of us, your story is all too familiar. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know all the documentation and etc for the government seems overwhelming. I am worried about you. Is there a food pantry or church that can help?

It took me quite awhile to get benefits here in the States, but it represents safety & security that I cannot do without.

Please push ahead, each step gets you closer.
 
F

Fenrir

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Just wanted to say, I'm not entirely sure what happened to me. Just this small bit of interaction has seriously ignited a fire inside of me that I haven't felt in YEARS. I can only describe it as being pissed off. I'm pissed off that this goddamn disease has a hold of me. I'm pissed off that I LET it get to this point. I'm pissed off that It's caused me to become a procrastinating, excuse making, unmotivated lifeless sack of no energy. I'm sick and tired of being sick and FUCKING tired. I promise you all, as I have no one else to promise, that I'm going to make changes in my life STARTING TODAY. I'm going to go to my Doctor. I'm going to go to The Government. I'm going to rip down every, single, goddamn wall that's in my way until I defeat this monster of a disease.

The change starts today, and I'll do my best to document my progress here for those that care. Here's hoping someone sees my story, and witnesses what I'm about to do with my life. Take note that someone at the lowest point in their life, with nothing to himself, and nobody to turn to, came to this forum and it changed his Life. Take note of what I'm about to do, and know that you can do it as well.

Thank you all. I owe a lot to you, and you now have a very special, devoted place in my heart. Much love to you all. Thank you <3
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
515
I care, and I am sure others here care as well. This disease does to many people, exactly what it has done to you. It causes a person to feel so low, they lose their work, others are alienated, and it is very difficult to summon the strength and motivation to climb out of it. The disease steals a person's strength and motivation.

I responded to you, because I have been in the same place you are, and I know how very difficult and painful it is. I can feel your pain, because I know it first hand.

The great news is, you have summoned the will and the strength to fight it, and seek the help you need. This is truly the most important step, and it is the only way you can recover. Please follow through with what you have described above, it is truly encouraging.

Keep us posted.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
Just wanted to say, I'm not entirely sure what happened to me. Just this small bit of interaction has seriously ignited a fire inside of me that I haven't felt in YEARS. I can only describe it as being pissed off. I'm pissed off that this goddamn disease has a hold of me. I'm pissed off that I LET it get to this point. I'm pissed off that It's caused me to become a procrastinating, excuse making, unmotivated lifeless sack of no energy. I'm sick and tired of being sick and FUCKING tired. I promise you all, as I have no one else to promise, that I'm going to make changes in my life STARTING TODAY. I'm going to go to my Doctor. I'm going to go to The Government. I'm going to rip down every, single, goddamn wall that's in my way until I defeat this monster of a disease.

The change starts today, and I'll do my best to document my progress here for those that care. Here's hoping someone sees my story, and witnesses what I'm about to do with my life. Take note that someone at the lowest point in their life, with nothing to himself, and nobody to turn to, came to this forum and it changed his Life. Take note of what I'm about to do, and know that you can do it as well.

Thank you all. I owe a lot to you, and you now have a very special, devoted place in my heart. Much love to you all. Thank you <3
What a powerful post. I'm glad you feel motivated and inspired. I care as well. Yes, please do keep us posted. Good luck. :hug:
 
F

Fenrir

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Shot update:

Went to my Doctor's. Refilled my Rx. Have scheduled appointment in few weeks. Handed out 7 resumes.

This took about 3 and a half hours. I walked over 20KM. Sorry for the late update, I've been pretty tired.

Going back out on Thursday to hand out more resumes. Also going to the Canadian Mental Health Association for some treatment.

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply to this thread. I feel some sort of responsibility to not let you guys down, and you are all a motivating factor in my recovery. More updates to come after Thursday. Stay well everyone, Much love <3
 
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