This is Making Me a Monster

G

GioDG

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#1
I have become a controlling, obsessive, demanding, paranoid girlfriend and anxiety and insecurity are tearing me apart and ruining one of the best things in my life.

I question everything. Every. Single. Thing. Every time he even looks at his phone, I have a panic attack, my anxiety has convinced me it's another girl. He goes to work, and comes directly home afterward, and the entire time, I'm sick to my stomach anxious about girls trying something with him. I hate, absolutely hate his one close female friend - though he said he gets why I don't like her. Every time we have all hung out together she flirts severely right in front of me, touching and rubbing his arm. It takes everything I have not to blackout and just go crazy on her - the only person I've ever fought with was my little brother when we were little and have brother-sister fights.

He is really a good guy, he has shown me his phone when I go crazy, he tells me as much as he can, and he is always with me. His parents had split from a cheating spouse and that devastated him since childhood, so he isn't the type to cheat. So I know it's all illogical, but my anxiety doesn't stop.

He had been very open and on top of making sure I felt okay every time I was upset over nonsense, but I know he has been exhausted from this. He will walk away sometimes when I'm crying, or not tell me whats exactly going on for fear that it may make me upset. He's mentally unwell too, but he's been staying so strong for me, trying to do everything to make me feel better.

It isn't fair to him. He deserves someone who isn't sick. He deserves to have someone who can give back as much as they take. Someone who doesn't question his every move, every look, every breath. He doesn't deserve spending an hour consoling me in the shower while I break down from my paranoia every couple of days. He deserves the girl that I was when we first started dating. The real me.

I hate being sick, I keep changing medications, trying new things, and now I'm starting with a local counselor but I'm scared I've damaged the one stable thing I have.

I have become abusive essentially from how controlling I am, it breaks my heart because I don't even know I am doing it until I break, he talks to me and I realize how crazy I am.

How can I have someone so amazing and love them so much, just physically not be able to treat them the way you really want to and how you know they deserve.

I want to just die in my sleep one night so he can move on and finally have someone he deserves and give him what he deserves. I can't break up with him. The words even make me break down, the thought of not having such an amazing, caring person in my life kills me.

How do I help deal with my insecurity? Are there any links to positive personal image articles or blogs that have helped you? I really want help, I know he deserves so much more, I just don't know how to get over this psychological crap.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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#2
Counselling really helped me. It helped me challenge my paranoid thoughts. I also got prescribed a mood stabliser drug by my doctor and that has stabilised my paranoid moods.
There is hope for you so please don't give up.
Hugs
fox
 
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GioDG

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#3
Thank you, even reading the words "there is hope" from another person who has experienced mental health problems in there life does make me feel better. I know that one day I will find the right combination and I will get back to the healthy me, and be the woman he deserves. It is just trying to find that combination that sucks, well I have an appointment Monday with a local mental health clinic to come to my home and meet me. They are supposed to give me the options I have.

I never thought a moment in my life that I would become an emotionally abusive girlfriend with how controlling I am. I mean, I don't say mean things to him, but he constantly is on edge about how his every move affects me. I just question him til he gets sick of it and says enough, then I get upset and begin my panic process in the shower. I really try not to hurt him, but I know all of my actions, crying constantly, questioning everything he does constantly, I know that me not conveying that trust that we first had kills him inside.

I might ask them about couples counselling as well, because he needs to be able to say his piece about how this has affected him and what he needs me to do.

I just wish it was as easy as one simple surgery that they can do in a day and send us on our way and we would be good again. The complicated matters of mental health make treatment so difficult, and take so long.

Thanks again for the reply, it did help, I just am so up and down lately.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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#4
We had couples therapy too and that was really helpful for us to talk to each other in the safety of a controlled environment. Good luck with your appointment on Monday be honest with them!
Hugs
fox
 
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