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(This is long) Trusting the wrong person made my depression worse

Z

Zoe193188

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Joined
Mar 15, 2018
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Location
England
So, I was diagnosed back in December 2017 with depression. I told my friend (fake name: Stella) that I went to the doctor and was on anti-depressants, she asked if she wanted to tell my best friend for me (fake name: Holly) and I told her not to. The reason for this was A) I wasn't ready/comfortable to tell her yet and B) Holly gets awkward about mental health so I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

3-ish months go by and I'm at a mutual friends party with Holly and Stella - and we are all pretty drunk. Stella pulls me to the side and says "Don't hate me but I told Holly" and I remember sitting there in shock and not much else. Later on Stella pulls me to the side again and starts lecturing me that I should get off the meds and etc when she really doesn't have a clue what is going on for me. This leads on to her telling me I "really should tell Holly".

Of course I don't cause I'm freaking out that they've known for months and the freaking out leads to panic attacks and crying and low mood for days. Then the paranoia sets in and I think they're all talking about me behind my back cause of how they are acting. So then I'm thinking about how many people actually know about my depression and how much they know. Then I go on a bit of a bender of not going to college, not going home, not talking to anyone, smoking again and just feeling upset. After a few days I work up the courage to message Holly and just tell her - it went OK.

Turns out most of my friends know - from all the way back 3 months ago. This lead to the other day me fighting with Stella through messages and her saying that I had been in the wrong for getting distant. I said she had broken my trust (bearing in mind I have trust issues) and had not gotten my consent to tell people - specifically Holly. After years of being friends and keeping her secrets, it hurts to know that on a personal subject she would tell everyone claiming she was helping me when all it has done is worsen my mental health. I don't think I can forgive her for this.

I am aware that this isn't necessarily about depression, but more about a situation that has worsened my depression. I just needed to get this out of my head so I'm not constantly replaying it.
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

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Australia
What you're feeling is completely understandable and justified in regards to being betrayed by a best friend. You specifically asked her not to tell your other friend, and not only did she tell this friend but she also told other friends. She had no respect for your wishes.

I don't know why she felt the need to tell everyone when you clearly asked her not to, and she should know that it is a personal issue you will share when you are ready to. So it's natural to feel betrayed and for your trust with her to have severely decreased.

Forgiving will be hard. Forgetting will be harder.

I hope that things between you and your friends can be sorted out with time, and that in the future they can respect your boundaries and your wishes.

Feel free to share here any time, people are always around to offer support, advice and comfort.
 
S

silly me

Guest
Zoe,

I think there's a problem in general, when it comes to people keeping secrets. It hurts like hell when someone you thought you could confide in, couldn't wait to go play "town crier" with your personal information.

I did have an incident, with my husband. Yeah.. was with him for over 15 years. I've learned that even with the closest people in my life, there are some things i can share, and of course, somethings i learned to keep to myself.

A few years ago, my job in the medical field took it's toll. Diabetes/menopause kicked in - all at the same time. I worked and was on call 24/7, and had very little time to take care of myself and eat properly.

Sure enough.. my hair started falling out.. I was known in the bodybuilding/sports modeling industry for my "long, thick mane" of kinky hair. It just came out in handfuls.

Long story short, i learned a way to keep my hair protected while i took care of it, and wore a wig so that i wouldn't scare off the clients.

I asked my husband when his sister came from out of town to visit, to please not share this information with her. It was none of her business, plus, it was personal. I felt i should be able to deal with it if the question ever came up..

Sure as a turd sticks to a blanket, he told her. She never even asked, he volunteered it during a conversation when she first arrived and commented on how i always kept myself up. Even though my hair had grown back, and i liked wearing wigs as great protective styles, i still thought it was not something you just tell anyone. To me? She was a complete stranger - which made me wonder, how many others he had so casually told this to. Or what other information he made have shared with people in our business/professional circle.

I had a word with him, while she was asleep. He said: "You have a head full of hair now, so there's really nothing to worry about."

He totally missed the point of me asking him not to share this information at all.

Yes, i have my "long, thick, mane of hair" back. And even though he is my "other half" - to this day, that incident, and a few others before that, still haunts me. :low:

It's the human condition Zoe.. some folks are good at keeping their mouths shut, but it's actually a very rare attribute.

I know, personally, that even if you forgive your friend? It's going to be hard to forget what she's done.

Just trust that "feeling" whenever you think you'd like to share something deep about yourself. If you feel you're going to get hurt again?

Don't share it.. not due to trust, it will be more due to experience..:)
 
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H

Hypno

Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2018
Messages
17
People are essentially shit. When you get covered in shit you wash it off and try to clean yourself as best you can and don't dwell on it. You might smell of shit for a while, but it'll fade eventually with enough of a clean and until then you sort of get used to it. This is just one of life's unfortunate pains and it will fade in time. If a friend of mine was so quick to judge because of issues I was going through, then I would rather know that they were a shitty person so I could move on and find people more worthwhile to spend my valuable time with. Your time and energy, and trust, is more important than that.

You said things went OK, so don't fret. Things either work out or they don't. The pain and anxiety of worrying about it is often worse than the events we actually fear. "You've nothing to fear but fear itself." is shockingly apt.

Regards, Joe
 
M

Mary26

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304
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USA
Okay, so if you're talking about high school girls, they not only lack the maturity to keep a secret but also to understand what you're experiencing and how they might be helpful. Yes, you can talk to them about peer related stuff (boys, clothes etc) but something like this takes a deeper understanding that they just don't have. So you're going to get a ridiculous response like go off the meds instead of the connection you need right now. Is there anyone more mature you can talk to? And about the embarrassment you're feeling, the good news is that they are much too wrapped up in themselves to spend much energy on judging you. xx
 
Z

Zoe193188

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England
That's the thing: we are in college and this friend is usually mature about this stuff and a few of our other friends have mental health things going on.
 
M

Mary26

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That's the thing: we are in college and this friend is usually mature about this stuff and a few of our other friends have mental health things going on.
Okay, so what's going on? Do you think they're really afraid for you and afraid you'll leave school and they don't want to lose you? Do you feel like they really care about you?
 
Z

Zoe193188

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Joined
Mar 15, 2018
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Okay, so what's going on? Do you think they're really afraid for you and afraid you'll leave school and they don't want to lose you? Do you feel like they really care about you?
I don't think that telling the friend I told her not to was for my benefit, I think she did it cause she wanted to spread gossip or something. She isn't afraid for me or anything like that, and when I told her how badly she had hurt me she tried to turn things into a joke.
 
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