• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

This is it.....

kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
I went to my doctor again and he is now referring me to an eating disorder clinic as he now thinks it is necessary. He thinks that this has gone on long enough.
When I told him my weight, of course he wanted to weight me anyway. I've lost weight. I don't think Doc was happy.
Watch this space I guess.

:unsure:
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Oh hun. I am sorry, but also pleased you will get some specialised support. I hope it goes well with them.

They will also want to weigh you, most likely regulary. They are also likely to ask some questions that might seem VERY personal. You have to be prepared for that.

If I can offer some help or support, let me know. I have been there before so know you will probably have a lot of worries and questions and rather wished that someone could have helped me like that at the begining. But I will understand too if you don't want help either. An eating disorder can feel like a very personal and private thing, something very close to you.

You are welcome to pm me anytime if you want to ask or talk about something off the forum. I can't promise to say anything enlightening, but I will promise to respond and lend a friendly ear.

Take care hun xx:hug:
 
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Dear Sapphire,

I'm not sure whether you got my PM to you so I'll send you a message this way.
I hope you're ok today.
I'm doing as ok as I can do. I spent some time with a friend today. He doesn't know about my problem and I'm not going to tell him either.

I'm really nervous about going to the clinic and what they are going to ask me. Any ideas what I'm likely to face. Maybe I can get a head start then and then it won't be so bad for me. I hate surprises.:confused:

My doctor has given me a prescription for prozac type tablets which I'm not happy to take. Do these have calories in them do you know? Isn't prozac bad for you anyway? :(

How's things with you?

:flowers:

Kathrina
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Kathrina

I am okay thank you. Life has suddenly got very busy lately. I am helping run one course, taking another, as well as working (due to become a manager in the next week or so), as well as moderating here. So I am sorry I didn't respond to your pm immediately, I have had alot on my plate (excuse the pun!).

I guess I couldn't have done all this with my ED, so I am greatful to now have the strength, courage and some wisdom to be able to follow my dreams, and the path in life that I want to.

Of course eating with all of these added stresses can be difficult, alot of what I am doing includes shared meals, which are very difficult for me. Also trying to adjust my diet to my now physically and mentally demanding days is also an issue (I got left home at eightish am, got home at six, went out at seven and have just got back). But one I am determined to overcome, and get on with.

The questions they are likely to ask are to do with your perception of yourself, your current situation, your relationships past and present (including sexual), your weight, your diet, your medical and mental health history. Any drug/alcohol consumption past and present, any exercise or purging you do and how regulary, sleep patterns, suicidal ideation. In fact few stones are left unturned. However every service operates differently so it will largely depend on the service as to how thorough they are. Usually this involves a questionaire that can have some very random questions in them, and may also involve you doing a body image analysis which can be given in the form of pictures of women and you writing your thoughts on them.

It also usually includes being heighted and weighed, and maybe a blood test and further tests depending on how your physical status is.

In all honesty I would try to be as honest as you can. I have lied in these before, and the only person who it harmed was me, and eventually they found out the truth anyway.

I don't believe prozac has calories in it! I don't think many ADs have calories in, and that should be the least of your worries right now.

I am glad you had a nice day with your friend. I know how valuable it is to have friends that you can just talk about other subjects with, rather than your issues. It can be a real relief, and put you back in touch with the person you used to be without the eating disorder. This is so important.

When you get into the world of a treatment clinic you can get very absorbed in the ED world, just talking to people who have EDs and spending your time discussing your behaviours and issues. This can be very dangerous, and largely I have found these relationships very unhelpful with very few exclusions. Of course there is a tendency for anorexics particulary to be very competetive and it is easy to get drawn into that race to be the best anorexic. This can dramatically effect your recovery negatively, and can make it very difficult to recover. So keeping in touch and surrounding yourself with friends without an ED is really important, so you don't get drawn into that, and have regular reminders what you are trying to get better for.

In the end I cut all contact with my ED friends, some permanently, some temporarily. I still have to be very careful who I am friends with, and who I surround myself with, as like can attract like very easily. I still have a weakness in me, that when I am with someone who is suffering that I can feel jealous and tempted to go back there. I am alot stronger than I was, and can cope now, but I have to tread carefully.

Don't worry though you are not doing this with me, in fact you are helping me remember what a nightmare having anorexia was, sharing your journey with you is helping me immensly. And if I felt it was effecting me I am big and strong enough to admit that and I hope you wouldn't take it personally.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. I know I harp on about it, but I know when your mind is in such a state of turmoil and your body is in such a state of exhaustion how having a good nights sleep is sometimes the only moments peace you can get. For me sleep was the only place I could get away from things including my anorexia, although i was tempted at one point to sleep my life away!

Take good care of yourself :hug:
Sapphire
 
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Sapphire

After reading your message, I felt so scared about going to the clinic....I really do not want to go. All the questions they're likely to ask and such like. Do you still have control with them? Can you hide anything from them or will they know anyway?
I'm really scared and nervous. :(
I am really tired today. I was at my parents and was really struggling to stay awake. Luckily, I had the wndows open when driving home.
I had some dinner but hated it and up that came.

I'm glad you're doing ok even if you're really busy. I can understand the struggle you go through with eating with others. I'm not keen on it myself.

Thank you for being here for me and advising me, I do appreciate it.

Kathrina

p.s are we the only ones who post on this ed forum?
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Oh Kathrina, I am sorry I did not mean to scare you!

Perhaps it would have been better not to say, but at least you can now have a think about your answers and not be caught off guard. As I said, all of this might not happen, each service operates differently and has different assessment methods.

I was at one of the top treatment services in the UK, and no doubt they are at the top because of their thoroughness. From that they were able to devise a treatment plan that really helped me which involved referrals to other treatments, not just for my ED.

This is the first time this has happened, and finally they have got the root cause of my issues instead of feeding me up and discharging me.

In one way you are lucky, there is alot of investment in ED treatment, you can get all types of therapies, when other people who suffer illness like schizophrenia are largely just left to fend for themselves, it is very sad.

In my opinion it is not worth hiding anything, because what are you trying to protect, your ED or your health? By hiding things I would say you are trying to protect your ED, and if that is the case why try to get help to overcome it? I know it is not as simple as that, it is a complex issue, I know you will have mixed feelings about getting better or staying as you are and that they are likely to change from day to day, at times, from minute to minute.
And hey who am I to talk, I hid alot from them, even though I was going to get help. But ultimately it damaged me and I ended up in hospital, where there was no place to hide and alot came out in the open.

Yes it does appear that we are the only ones to talk on here right now! When I joined there were few posts about EDs, I have tried to add articles or my own experiences to get it going, but it may take some time. I think the problem is EDs are usually very secretive illnesses, some people want to keep it under the carpet. Also some people suffering EDs want support for maintaining their ED, not their Health, therefore use pro-ana sites and such like. I am hoping it will build up because other sites like b-eat have alot of restrictions, your posts are all reviewed before being allowed which means a time delay (sometimes lengthly) before it is posted and they have strict rules, some of which I feel are unneccessary. But b-eat is a big organisation and i think they are trying to protect their own reputation rather than think what is best for their members. But that is my opinion. :)
 
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Dear Sapphire,

I'm getting more anxious as the days pass and throwing up is increasing. I'm back to lying to my friends which afterwards I realise is wrong. I'm not lying to you as I know you understand how this is for me. My friends just want to tell my parents which is not gonig to help the situation at all.
Maybe sometimes it is best not to talk about it then people don't get hurt if you don't quite tell the truth. I'm beginning to think those who suffer in silence have got it right. But then when I think clearly, usually after a good nights sleep, I know I need help.
This is so hard for me but you know all about it already though. I've read some of your messages you've psoted on here and I feel awful that you had to go through that and feel that I have no right to complain at all. I have no right to put this on you when I have read you're still suffering yourself.
So I apologise profusely.
Kind regards,

Kathrina
:confused::(:confused::(
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Oh Kathrina I am sorry you feel that way. Seriously my messages sound negative at times (I take it you have been reading my journal?!) but hey life is actually very good at the moment! Most of my rubbish is about the past, not my current situation. :)

And of course you have a right to complain! Nobodies problems on here are any worse or better than others, please don't judge yourself by other peoples posts or mine in fact. If it is important to you, then it is important full stop.

As I said before you have actually been helping me and I would always tell you if it is too much. I have a stronger resolve now not to go down that road again, and that is largely down to you. So thank you :hug:

I can totally understand your desire not to talk about it with people you know, and in all honesty I can't say whether it is a bad or good decision.

Sometimes when people know it can put insurmountable pressure on you which can actually make things worse, at other times though it can be a great help. I didn't tell people until a week before I went into hospital, and of course they all knew by then anyway, but they did not know how to approach me about it. In fact when I told them, I said "I have something to tell you" and before I could finish my sentence they said in chime "you have anorexia, we guessed". I guess telling them before might have made things worse for me, but in retrospect it might have made things better instead. I was surprised how understanding and supportive they were and could have been, and perhaps they could have helped me not get so far with it. Who knows?

You don't know until you try. I guess maybe being careful about who you tell might be the best way forward, someone who understands who is not likely to tell your parents if you feel that is going to make the situation worse.

In the meantime you can always talk to me here, I won't be judgemental, or force you to do anything you don't want to. I will always give my honest opinion based on my experiences, and if you don't like it or agree with it you are always free to tell me that. I won't be offended, I promise :)

But I do want to say something Kathrina, and I don't want to upset you by saying this, but I do want you to have a think about this because I think it is important.

*Deep breath* If you carry on with this Kathrina your parents will find out, because whatever you wear, whatever you do you can not hide such severe weight loss, if it comes to that. It is not just the body changes that will happen. They may overhear the purging. Your breath will smell (unavoidable) your moods will swing (unavoidable) your personality will change (unavoidable) you may start to get fine hair growing all over your body and in my case when it got really serious my husband said I smelt of death and I looked like death. My eyes were hollow, pale skin, cracked dry lips that were blue most times, dry skin, thin hair and my veins on my arms and legs were really prominent. Sometimes when he woke up in the morning, he would shake me awake to check I was alive :cry:

In my opinion you need to have a think about what would happen if your parents did find out without you telling them. They may be very hurt and upset that you didn't approach them. They may lose their trust in you. They may be angry, or depressed or full of desperation. They may also be very understanding, and helpful and loving and supportive. They may also want to do everything in their power to help you, and be frustrated if they can not. You have to be prepared for all of this. And consider that if this carries on whether you telling them will have less devastating consequences for you and for them than them finding out by guess work or a friend telling them.

Kathrina, they may know already, but they may be doing what my friends did, giving you space and waiting until you tell them. They may also hope that this will just go away and is just a phase.

Either way I would prepare myself for all of the above eventualities, and prepare what you might say.

Anyway I hope you do have an understanding friend close to you that you can confide in without risking them doing something you think might make the situation worse. Anorexia feeds off silence, it is it's fuel. If not, you can talk to me about anything here either on the forum or pm. And I promise you I won't be upset, and if it gets too much (which I doubt it will) I will be honest enough to tell you.

Take care hun :hug:
 
kathrina

kathrina

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
62
Sapphire,
I am in hell right now and feel emotionally and physically drained.:(:cry2:
I did lie once again to my friends but this time did not get away with it. My friend has known me 20 years and knew that I was lying today. How he knew today especially I do not know. He said that he'd had a feeling something was not right. I was really upset and cried over the phone with him and his wife. :cry2:
Things are way out of hand now and I have had to promise to go to the ED clinic which I was trying hard to get out of earlier. In response, they have promised not to tell my parents unless I do not go to the clinic. Only then did I tell them the truth about my current situation.
Again I want to say thank you for being here to help me. I haven't got anyone close by who I can confide in. My friends live in the US so it is difficult for all of us.
I'm just so tired. I am suppose to be going to Switzerland monday and it's already nearly 2am. I will be away for 5 days and am nervous about what is going to happen when I am there. I'm visiting a friend there.
Thanks again.

Kathrina
 
Top