This is insane

Tiglit

Tiglit

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Mar 7, 2016
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109
#1
I do not stop all day, every day, from sunrise to sunset, i do not stop. I clean, bake, paint, clean, this, that, the other. A blue-arsed fly. I have been like this for years but it is worse with the Lamictal. This alleged mood stabiliser is an excellent anti-depressant but it is doing to me just what Effexor did, only Lamictal is working for me like a sleeping tablet and so i never go off-the-scale manic. I was warned about Lamictal monotherapy but chose it anyway and continue to. There is sod all my GP/psychiatrist can do because i do not want to change medication and do not want to increase it because of side effects. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is even more unfortunate that just using those two words is making me want to do once again what i have been doing almost all day. OK i am exaggerating, maybe about six times, but it is only 8.09 PM. :redface:

If there were an orgy going on in the flat next door, i would be in there, and i am the most conservative person i know, i don't even like to wear shorts, i am that a-sexual, if i have used that word correctly. I have the sex-drive of a sloth.

On Effexor i was just like this only it snowballed quickly, and hallucinations were involved, on the last day i was taking it.

I am dancing in my fantasy created world for most of the day. I listen to music the majority of the day. I look up naughty photo's on the internet, and i am surprised at what i have found, and that those images are not illegal. I reached the point today that they are images of basic sex and that i don't like that, that i would rather have a connection with the man and so will choose to return to my own fantasies.

What is bad is that i feel also unhappy, but happy too, just unhappy so that i am taking small overdoses every day, along with my three cups of coffee and glass of cider or wine. I'm hardly partying hard but for me this is bad and out of character. I think if i had not had a life punctuated with torturous hospital admissions, failures in terms of work, relationships and just about everything else. Gallons of images of people's faces as they looked on in horror at the things i was doing, i was ill, granted, but still i wish every morning that i had not woken up. The future, the Atos assessments to come, about 25 if my calculations are correct, mean that there will never be an end to my daily overdosing until i am retired, if i live that long. I might, just about, be able to get my crap together if i had no Atos to worry about, it is the communication between GP/Psychiatrist and Atos if i am honest, never mind the fact that i might be thrust (must not use those words at the moment) into fit for work type bollocks (nor that one) that will make me take more overdoses, drink more, and possibly, deliberately, streak down the road in my birthday suit just because. In fact, i might do that anyway at some point, just because, i have nothing to lose anymore.

I have nothing to lose because i have lost my child-bearing years (i'm ok with not having children now but i need something more than just myself) to whatever-the-f-is-wrong-with-my-brain, my friends who live gallons of petrol miles away are sprogged-up and, i just need to go out with someone and dance the night away, drink, smile, talk, laugh. I cannot do those things because i never know what my mood will be like. I am not allowed to drive far or get the train far, because i am so ridiculously stoopid that i miss trains, get on the wrong train, and i have lost all sense of responsibility now because all i want to do all day is dance, drink and that other thing :redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface: and i would likely end up doing more than that. I would rather :redface: than :redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface::redface: and end up with an STI/D whatever they are called, and no, i have never had one. I have had sex with only 5 men and they have all been long-term relationships. Not that that matters.

And anyway, i would have liked it to be only 1, and we be married now, he be on hand to sort me out whenever i need sorting out, and would take me out for dinner, come dancing with me, and then i wouldn't feel so lonely and like i need to take overdoses each day because i am so unhappy. It would be nice if he could fix my medication, support me financially, and then i would tell Atos to stick their money and their harassment and then i could sort myself out, i don't mean :redface: but i mean get my crap together, get back to work part-time, to my amazing job that i was amazing at, and then feel alive again. I would be talking to real-life people all day, i would be wearing clothes all day rather than PJ's and i would hopefully not be :redface: all day either because that would be very embarrassing.

I am going to go and see my GP tomorrow and ask her if i am going to go blind. I am not interested in the state of my liver/kidneys, because the sooner my body packs in and i can go to heaven and party with my gran and grandad the better. I don't think i will be on the guest list if i keep taking overdoses so i had better stop.

This has been brought on by that amazing song:

When i am 60 years old
will i think the world is cold
or will i have a lot of children who can warm me

No i won't, so what is the point in me being alive if i have no man to keep me warm even? My existence is pointless. I feel happy each day (i have the odd plunge into the pit but they are brief excursions and not too bad) but this happiness is fine if you are dancing with your mates on the weekend, or underneath your husband on the kitchen floor ten times a day (my kitchen floor is very clean, although i am not at the moment), but happiness, dancing around on your own all day every day, partying on your own, in your flat, talking to yourself, imaging a life that you don't have and :redface: anywhere from 5-20 times per day is just sad and weird.

So i am a weird nyphomaniac/frosty knickers, who has bad memories of admissions-from-hell, has no life, no friends to go out with, no family worth mentioning, Atos standing by to whip me back into work if i even glance at my shampoo, and i have lost my train of thought but it is no wonder i don't see any point in not taking overdoses, not drinking, not streaking down the road in only my Easter bunny ears. There are no reasons for me to behave as everyone else. I feel unrestricted. I need thrilling experiences. I need to be naked outside. I need to be naughty, but i am not a 20 yr old so that is weird.

I am having a joke here but i am so desperate (not for :redface:) but for some life, some reason to exist, something, anything, anyone, i need to maybe just write myself a letter or a poster telling me i am worth fighting for.
 
Last edited:
S

seekingsense2

Guest
#2
Feeling unwell is not bad.
Looking to be or feel happy without having to act rashly is not bad.
Having sexual urges is not bad neither is not having them.
Panicking is not bad, it's just uncomfortable.
Wanting to find love is not bad.
You are not bad.
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2016
Messages
109
#3
Feeling unwell is not bad.
Looking to be or feel happy without having to act rashly is not bad.
Having sexual urges is not bad neither is not having them.
Panicking is not bad, it's just uncomfortable.
Wanting to find love is not bad.
You are not bad.
:thanks: :bravo: :respect: :salut: (y)

You are so right. I will go and have an nice evening now and i will come back tomorrow and read that again. I am on a dating site so maybe i will meet someone nice.
 
megirl

megirl

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#4
You are allowed to be unwell Its not a choice it about being crook. Things will get better. Lamotrigine was good for me depression wise like it felt like a miracle to be honest I dont think I would be here if it hadnt worked. It was pretty much the last drug of choice. I however still had some symptoms of hypomania. We increased the lamotrigine very slowly to get the right balance. I was still easily agitated and irrational and impulsive at times which was ok but any pressure it was like hard. I know also having the quetiapine adjusted also really helped with mood stability. It can take some juggling to get the right combination and doses of the meds
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

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Messages
109
#5
It was my last option too megirl, the last one i would be happy with anyway, without resorting to the anti-psychotic meds. I had had so many bad side effects from everything else. It is great for me too, i have never felt so great and clear, but i think it is wearing off around lunchtime every day. I am also rapid cycling, but i spend more time hypomanic rather than the constant low mood i had on epilim and depakote for example. Lithium made me very level but still i was very agitated which didn't feel nice and wasn't nice for bus drivers and family!

I am happiest on Lamotrigine than on anything else, except Olanzapine with Fluoxetine which was amazing, but i got very chubby very quickly.
 
H

Harper

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Feb 1, 2016
Messages
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#6
Hi Tiglit,

I do think you do need a medication review because the daily overdosing in the long term could be detrimental to your health. You come over as being "mixed" in your mood in that you are or seem to be happily getting on and dancing to music whilst dreaming of joining your relatives who are now dead. I can sense that you are so scared of changing any meds given your history but there may be another which could be added which does not cause low mood but levels things out for you. You mention your eyes and that you will ask your GP about your concerns which may be attributable to the lamical. Could you also show your GP your post?

You are doing nothing wrong with your present behaviour but IMO I think you are experiencing a protracted bipolar episode.

Lamical did not work for me as it caused me to have a mixed mood. However, perhaps if another had been added I may have been okay.

I hope things level out for you soon.

Warm wishes, Harper
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

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Messages
109
#7
I have read about that a lot Harper, other people having a type of mixed episode/rapid cycling/wearing off effect. It is probably to be expected from an anti-depressant/mood stabiliser. If the medication cannot make its mind up what it actually is then it is no wonder my brain does not know what it is doing.

I am fairly sure the GP or psychiatrist would increase the dose and divide it. I have already tried dividing the dose and i became depressed very quickly. I didn't give it time to see if i would come back up again but it was a definite all day and night depression for one week and that was enough for me. Increasing the dose would bring on more side effects and i already have one that is worrying and also there is the bruising and ulcers too which i have had. The rash may come in with the increase and then i would have to stop it completely i expect. This is partly why i am afraid to change. Better the devil you know.

I could add a low dose of an anti-psychotic but that would involve seeing the GP, then some communication directly or via the GP with the psychiatrist. It would take two months minimum what with appointment booking and waiting on psychiatrists who take on average one month to reply to a GP letter in my experience. The stress for me is just not worth it. I think if i see the GP again about anything else, and i am thinking of going about this ear ache i have so often, then i might ask casually for a small dose of an anti-psychotic i have had before and see her reaction. If you try not to alarm them, and try not to ask but rather tell and pretend it has been done before by a psychiatrist, they usually go along with it. Not tell, but lead them into thinking all is cool and this is good and no problem, happy, happy all good, but also yes you are such a clever GP and i know you know all about medication, clever GP, thanks, bye bye.

In a silly one this morning. In about 45 minutes i predict tears and cider. I had better get some housework done beforehand and i had better get out everything i need to get me through until it passes.
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

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#8
Harper, you changed from Lamotrigine to something else? It has been the strangest mood stabiliser and in some ways has made me much more unwell, but it has strengthened the hypomania. It is not good to be so unstable for my brain or me or my life, but there came a point where i became too nervous to rock the boat. I don't trust the psychiatrists now when they start changing doses and types because i am the one that has to cope with that change. It leaves in me a heal thyself position and i am nowhere near clever enough to be able to do that.
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

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Mar 7, 2016
Messages
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#9
Lamictal and the menstrual cycle. Bananas. I have been talking and laughing for the past hour when I though it'd be the opposite. Lamictal decreases folic acid but it says you shouldn't take it in supplement with Lamictal. It says you should not drink rooibis either. Ginko is a nono too.

My sister, Lib, says a writer for crazymeds who takes Lamictal says her menstrual cycle is bananas also. Bipolar/hormones/lamictal are a big banana and off-the-wall nut bread. In a nutshell.

Do any men take Lamictal? Lucky men. Although their hormones are not located in their brain, we all know that. *

* that is a joke.
 
H

Harper

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#10
Hi again, We are the experts because we take the meds and can give an honest account of how they work.
I hate the whole boody lot of them and rage against swallowing the damn things.

For the first time I am now taking quetiapine and only because I had nothing to loose and that I was going to kill myself n 2 weeks time. The date is still marked on the calendar and I am keeping my options open. For now, it is acting like a buffer against life along with the alcohol I am taking.

I should not give advice when I am so challenged myself.
 
Tiglit

Tiglit

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Messages
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#11
I think those who are challenged sometimes give the best advice.

Please look after yourself, try to replace some of the drinking with something less harmful to our mood (i'm a fine one to talk about alcohol), and keep taking the Quetiapine if it stops you wanting to die. I will if you will. I will get something else soon from the GP.

I have started using a yoga DVD that a friend gave me. I do two exercises from it and then turn it off until the next time i need it (it saves my place). I find it is a good coping strategy. I have also bought a regular exercise DVD and am really pleased i did it.

I have been sad on and off today about my job. I miss it so much, so very very very much. It physically hurts in my chest because i miss that life i had. I taught children who were in hospital. I had a little room in the hospital where we would have lessons and i loved it so much. I miss their little smiles and i miss setting up my room for them, and talking with them and their families. I miss my colleagues. I miss life and life does seem pointless without that purpose. I know i need to find another purpose and i know i am doing something worthwhile now, but i am so lonely and so unhappy. My mood is good, but my heart is extremely depressed. I hope that the future will be different but i am so scared that it will be more of the same.
 
H

Harper

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#12
I am so sad to hear this because I bet you were good at what you did. Could you take this up again?

I am a Social Worker Manager in a CMHT and I can tell you that only 1 person knows I struggle. I have been off sick for 3 months now with no end in sight. We are all good at acting but it just goes too far.

I have a lady fron the CMHT coming tomorrow and someone coming the next day and then My manager and OT are coming on Wednesday to ask when I am coming back.

I should show them the date on my calendar but it would just shock then and serve no purpose. I now have 10 days left and without this marker I would struggle to get that far.
 
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