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This doesn't make sense - am I being ghosted.(ignored messages)

S

Selfhealing

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Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
146
Location
South West England
I self harm and my newly ex-partner wants time out to see if he can cope with it as he has mental health problems too, as he said my self harm on Wednesday really worried and upset him, yet when he saw me he didn't react.

This does not make sense, because, time-out would mean he would only be worrying about me, yet unable to contact me as he put himself in time out.

On Wednesday, I mentioned some property/legal/financial problems I have with my flat, and he knows I fear being homeless. I don't think he realised the seriousness of the problems until Wednesday, the day he saw the self harm.
He hs his own property, owned outright, and he likes his own space, I have never been invited there, he says it is because he has a lodger and his mum could come anytime unannounced, as she doesn't know about me.

I told him if I was made homeless I would not move in with him, but I am thinking he is now realising that my financial problems, really are that bad, previously he didn't and he might not want to be burdened with me.

I previously told him I did not want to be a burden on him because of this flat, but I don't think he realised how bad the problems was.

When I question him with valid concerns, he feels interrogated. I don't feel my questions are answered, I feel he dodges them or gives me incomplete answers or answers that don't make sense.

I noticed he stopped calling me babes in messenger, after we got home on Wednesday, and I queried this.
I also offered to send him some website information for partners of people who self harm.

He responded on Thursday morning saying he still needs more time out, because he does not know if he can cope with my self harm. Previously he said he would stand by me regarding self harm. I have self harmed worse before I met him and he knows this.

I have felt suspicious of him since October about a month after we met, and blamed my BPD paranoia, and he also thought I was paranoid.

Anyway, him, me and our friends go out for coffee on Saturdays.
I have not heard a dicky bird from him.

I have deleted his photos from my devices because I am now of the belief that he dumped me, I think he is using the self harm as an excuse, given his lack of reaction on Wednesday when he saw it, but I cannot figure out why he is ghosting me?

I thought the time out would be a few hours, not over 48 hours and counting.
I anticipated him wanting me back and me telling him it is not a good idea (I don't trust him somehow, but would not say this and cause more arguing)
I also anticipated him sending me a message to say he cant cope with my self harm and my response would have been OK.

I have not messaged him since Thursday noon, and he saw the message but did not respond.

It's going to be awkward tomorrow, if he does not respond and the rest of our friends (who do not know we are in a relationship) wonder where I am.

Have I been ghosted?
If so, why?
 
S

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
4,335
Location
The couch
I think you should just completely back away from him and this relationship and see what happens.

Maybe not message him,don't check up on him,just try to stay busy doing other things the best you can.
 
C

celticlass

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Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,595
Location
Scotland
I think you have to accept he is having time away from you to evaluate how he feels about your self harm and how the relationship is going in general. He sounds like quite a steady person if he could remain calm in the aftermath of your self harm.
So it seems to me you need to be linking in with your CPN if you have one. You could also usefully be looking into where you stand re your flat and finding out if you will be made homeless. Sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I tend to have a practical mindset. Maybe CAB or someone from Shelter could assist you.
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
146
Location
South West England
I think you should just completely back away from him and this relationship and see what happens.

Maybe not message him,don't check up on him,just try to stay busy doing other things the best you can.
Thank you, that's what I have been doing so far, I value your post.
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
146
Location
South West England
I think you have to accept he is having time away from you to evaluate how he feels about your self harm and how the relationship is going in general. He sounds like quite a steady person if he could remain calm in the aftermath of your self harm.
So it seems to me you need to be linking in with your CPN if you have one. You could also usefully be looking into where you stand re your flat and finding out if you will be made homeless. Sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I tend to have a practical mindset. Maybe CAB or someone from Shelter could assist you.
Him, me and our mutual friends meet on Saturdays, Mondays and Thursdays for coffee.
I have not been in touch with my partner since we last texted.
I texted a man who is friends with us both and told him I wont be meeting for coffee for a good while.
My partner asked me to keep our relationship secret, so I did not mention him in my text to our mutual friend.
 
S

Selfhealing

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2021
Messages
146
Location
South West England
On Saturday night I wanted closure, I had a hunch the "time out" was an excuse.
He felt too guilty to dump me, in case he worried he might cause me to self harm.
My gut told me he didn't care about the SH, sex was off the table for the foreseeable future, so he did what I told him I was paranoid about a few weeks ago, back off slowly.
That is to say, as he did not want commitment in a relationship I said no bombshells or no backing away slowly by sending fewer messages and he said he wouldn't.
I sent the following text to him. "Hi I am still your mate, but I won't be coming to the coffee shop"
He sent a text saying he is still my mate and hopes I recover from the self harm.
I didn't believe he hopes I recover, I don't think he cares either way. I also don't think he will notice my absence at the coffee shop.
I often said I was paranoid he didnt care and he agreed I was paranoid, he does care he just doesn't show it, but his actions and inactions prove he didn't.
Lesson, learn how to distinguish intuition from paranoia.
I can see why people ghost, they do not know what to say, but as he knew lack of responses or incomplete responses was a self harm trigger, I feel hurt because I feel I did something, to attract such cruel behaviour from someone who hates men who exploit women.
Lesson, always keep the vibrations of your thoughts high, no matter what the circumstances are as negative thoughts and feelings attract negativity from others.
 

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