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This doesn't feel ok but it should

A

angelflower

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
634
I've posted a lot when I've been struggling, and am not very good in keeping in touch when I'm feeling a little more stable.

What I'm trying to say is my suicidal urges have reduced somewhat over the past week, but it doesn't feel ok. I feel guilty that things have settled down a bit. It's like I'm asking the question 'is it ok to be ok?' I find it hard to accept that I don't have to be continually in crisis.
 
Seachad

Seachad

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2018
Messages
516
Location
Central Florida
It's very much okay to be okay.

I've dealt with suicidal ideation in pretty much a daily basis (sometimes on a hourly basis) for the past forty years or so. Sometimes the urge is stronger, sometimes it's weaker. Sometimes it goes away entirely, or nearly so. For me, I look at it like the weather. When it gets heavy, I've learned that I just have to grumble and wait it out, and it'll pass. If it gets really bad, I need to find someone to stay with until it lessens, or use one of my stronger coping strategies that I reserve for the really bad times. Otherwise, I just deal with it the same way I deal with a snowstorm or a rainstorm, or a particularly hot and muggy day: Do what I have to, to deal with it, and wait for it to ease-up or pass.

It's the same with being okay, at least for me. It's fine to be okay. If the suicidal ideation comes back, that's fine, too. I've learned how to cope with it, and get through it without acting upon it. So I just enjoy being okay while I am okay, and don't worry about it ending, or how long it will or won't last. Okay can be pretty pleasant, actually, so long as one doesn't worry oneself sick, wondering whether it's going to end, or how long it's going to last. Okay is hear, now, so enjoy it. Maybe it won't end. And if it does, maybe it'll come back and the periods of okay will start to last longer, and the periods of not-okay will get shorter in-between. Could be. Maybe not. But no sense mucking-up a perfectly good okay, while it's here and while it lasts, eh?

Crisis may be what you're used to, and there can be a weird sort of comfort in the known. But...there's something to be said for the variety of not being in crisis, as well. Here's hoping you can figure out how to enjoy a bit of being okay, and have fun with it for a change, yeah?
 
A

angelflower

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
634
I can't keep this pretence up.
 
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Nightingale77

Active member
Joined
May 24, 2017
Messages
30
Hi there, hugs.... sorry to hear you are going through so much. Just this morning I was having a conversation with my daughter about being ok enough to talk about the fact that she is not ok. So if you are feeling good or ok, you have all the good reasons to talk about how’s that feeling for you. And it’s ok if you write lesser when you are ok. That means you have the capacity at that moment to pursue other things which are important to you. Don’t have to feel that you need to put up a facade just to please anyone. No need to. Start by loving yourself first. If everything around you falls apart, you still have yourself to hang on to. This is a lesson I only learnt recently. Anything else, we are here to journey with you and support you through this. You are not alone in this journey. We are all here to listent. Keeping you in my prayer. God bless!
 
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