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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

this could be considered a rant: five months of TOCD (?)

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restlesssisyphus

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Joined
Jan 29, 2021
Messages
1
Location
united states
21 year old male here:

I've been putting this off for quite a long time, as of course talking about brings much more anxiety.

I've been dealing with this since late december i believe. I have not lived a single day since then. I no longer properly enjoy anything in my life: music, fresh air, flowers, the birds singing, the night sky, sitting in the woods alone/doing anything alone.

I'd like to list out all the reasons I think this (possibility of being trans) just cannot be so. I like to think of when i was 15/16/17 and found a strong passion for bodybuilding, becoming strong and filling out my thin frame was such a boost in my life. I felt amazing if i remember correctly, hoping all the girls i went to highschool with would suddenly desire me. I'd want to mention the feeling of comradery with my male online friends at age 14 (i had been homeschooled and friendless until 9th grade). I online friendships were formed over our collective love for comic book characters. I spent all my days fantasizing about being Spider-Man. I gave that up for photography and bodybuilding. Cannabis found its way into my life when i was sixteen and slowly i stopped working out and made more time for getting stoned. I had distaste for my skinny body for years after. Throughout high school i quite literally dreamed of growing a mustache, which i finally did at 19. I woke up every day and would look in my little mirror at the thin little stache, pleased as could be. I continued like that until my 20th birthday where i shaved it off, regretted it so much and immediately grew it back out, and have not removed it since. I became rather vain for awhile, or maybe you'd say i was loving myself, either way, i would look in the mirror often, take many pictures of myself. Proud of my face. Frankly, in the right lighting i think i am really quite attractive, though there are times when i think the total opposite. I liked myself for quite a few years, i got into mens fashion a great deal, kinda around the time i was working out. I would dress up in suits in my room just for something to do and take photos of myself like i was a model. I was never a particularly masculine fellow, and i was okay with that. I hadn't really related to a lot of the things my father was passionate about until more recently in my life. I had some kind of undiagnosed ocd type of issue when i was 11/12 where i would feel unclean going outside of my room/outdoors and would have to wear certain clothes outside and certain clothes inside and shower multiple times a day if need be. I also suffered from intrusive thoughts about my childhood being over and that was truly a hellish time for me: an intense depression with no relief from my thoughts. I very much enjoyed sex in high school, with a girlfriend for a few years and i had many chances to experience the act. I've hardly had sex since then, and frankly have really warped my desires with a ten year long porn addiction. In the early days i would still fantasize about getting physical with women in life/school and i recall it being plenty exciting and euphoric. Now not so much. I read once about someone realizing they were a gay man despite years of watching straight porn....... hold on, this almost seems unnecessary to mention. I feel i need to write out my entire life and every thought i've ever had towards sex and gender. But ultimately the act of writing this out is me getting down on my knees and begging to be brought back to my life existence from just last year. i want to sit with my nephew and nieces and mess around with my friends, eat with my parents and get out of bed easily; i want to like my long hair again, and my clothes (some of which are womens garments because i never use to care about that, clothes were clothes; nothing wrong with wearing womens loose pants or long jacket. I want to go back to early december when i had a fiery burning passion to become a carpenter and a cob builder and a gardeneer, spending hours getting high and imagining myself as the man i wanted to be. I wanted to take a more masculine role than I had been, i wanted to stop being lazy and eventually start a new section of life with a lovely lady. The worse part for me is that i'm so close, i have much of what i've always wanted, a space to live, a home, a motorcycle, things that are not strictly masculine but within my mind had always added to it. I want to live again, because i've been dead for months. I've drank everyday since march, i'm so tired of this endless turmoil in my mind. I just want be comfortable again. I feel so bound up. I had such big plans for this summer, so many projects and experiences planned with my family. Enjoying almost nothing but sleeping, where i dream as myself free of these concerns, the few hours a week on my motorcycle and when i was temporarily prescribed a single valium. It was for a surgery and i lived a solid five or six days after that free of these intrusive gender based thoughts. Again, I could almost list out all my symptoms and thoughts i've ever had. But i'm not here so much to have anyone tell me they think it is or isn't ocd or denial, i just wanted to say a bunch and let some of this out. I've told no one how i've been feeling, i am embarrassed and don't even want to talk about it out loud. it seems so bizarre outloud; unreal even. Anyway, if you read this I greatly appreciate it. I know it's a mess grammatically and otherwise. But it's some words that happened to come from my fingers this evening.
 
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travvitz

New member
Joined
Jul 30, 2019
Messages
4
Location
New York
Hello, I am a transgender gay man. I don't know if I have advice but I thought it might help to hear the perspective of someone who IS trans, even though I am a trans man instead of a trans woman.

I honestly think it's really hard for anybody to figure out their own gender identity. OCD definitely can complicate it because there is this strong need to be Sure of something, to be Sure that something is safe/right/etc. Sometimes I drift into considering myself agender, because I don't feel like I really know what being a man means to me-- when I was younger, I "wanted" to be a man because I wanted facial hair and didn't want to wear dresses. But now I know that women don't have to wear dresses and women can have facial hair, so how do those things make me a man?

You might have heard about gender dysphoria, where trans people are uncomfortable with their body and the gender they were raised as. There's also gender euphoria, where people have an experience such as being called certain pronouns that makes them feel really good. If you are like me, then figuring out what makes you feel happy can still be a huge can of overthinking brain worms, but I still think it's better to focus on what brings you joy instead of what brings you stress. If you have a place where you can explore gender safely and with support, like having online friends use different pronouns/name for you, or make yourself as a woman character in video games, etc I think it can only do you good.

Feel free to message me with any further questions :)
 
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