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This anxiety right now is silly

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EstherRose94

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I’m stressed that bf and I will have trouble living together just because he said he thinks my living room rug is too colorful for his taste and we should choose a new one for our new place. He is super particular which I find a bit difficult at times but I think it’s mostly because I think : is this rude of him? Is this a red flag? And I worry over small things like this. When really like I’m cool with a different rug; I want him to like our space. I might put mine in the spare bedroom. I just think my parents might not like that I let him have his way so much/ that if I always give in I’m being weak. But like I’d rather live with bf than live alone with my rug? 😂😂. So yeah there’s that. I know there are other things like he isn’t okay having a cat like ever and I love cats. But again like it’s okay. I won’t die over not having a cat. I want to make him happy without being a total welcome mat but I find that a hard balance. I’m a people pleaser but I also haven’t really been so close to someone outside family. And he and I are quite different. But yeah the lease is signed so I guess this year will be a real learning experience for us both!
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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I worry over things like this too, but I am not even anywhere close to living with mine/don't know if we even will (but it really feels like we will)! I worry is this and that a red flag? Is he being controlling/going to be controlling? Is he being rude or am I interpreting it wrong? But hey I don't think the anxiety is silly because it is about more than the rug, it's about "what does this mean about how everything else will be?" It is a hard balance to not be a doormat but to also do things for someone else...I think it takes practice honestly, and communication, which I definitely still have a lot of practicing to do...I hope it works out well for you two! 🙏
 
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EstherRose94

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Thank you! Very well put. I’m still practicing that balance of saying what I really want and letting other things go. I’m just pretty laid back really and so there aren’t a ton of things I’ll really fight for haha.
 
Faith198

Faith198

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Lol I feel you on wanting a rug you like in your house. I’d probably feel the same way 😅 I think you should be able to have some stuff you want in your house and he can have some stuff he wants too. You shouldn’t change everything for him either. He doesn’t even want a cat.. I can’t live with that 😂 obviously I’m joking. I really like cats though too. I’d communicate with him about how you want these things and how it’d really make you happy. There should be balance between you two.

I know I basically said what the other poster recommended but yeah, I agree 😊^^
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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Yeah I am pretty laid back too just as soon as I think someone is actually trying to control me I go into flight mode...and sometimes it's so hard to tell if something is really trivial and should be let go, or if it is a small red flag...I guess that takes practice too, to be able to tell...🙏
 
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EstherRose94

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I mean we will choose new things for the apartment together too. I don’t think he’ll overrun it. He just will veto what he doesn’t like which leaves a narrow selection lol. I guess that’s like fine? But I just don’t get it. I would only oppose something if it was seriously ugly lol. Anyway he kinda gets in those moods where I think he feels he would be giving in too much so he holds his ground. He’s like scared of commitment and of changing for me I think. But at his core he’s like up for it. He’ll sometimes oppose something just to randomly give in at the last second. He’s very much like he’ll talk the talk of a stringent, particular person but then walk the walk of accomadating and sweet. I think part of it is he is of Mexican descent and although he insists he’s not remotely like this, I think part of him feels he should have a little machismo. Lol. Although I’ve met his parents and they’re both super chill so I don’t think they instilled that lol. But yeah I think he fears giving in to me too much. Like he thinks that would be dumb. I worry about the same on my end lol. Every so once in a while we both give in to it and strike a great balance. Until one of us has a complaint of some sort then we’re both like alright well back to my own thing then. But I’m on meds now and WAY better at not flip flopping that way. Idk our lease is just for a year. I’m gonna be patient and see how the year plays out. At the end of the year I hope to have a solid “yes let’s move forward” or “okay let’s separate” and no more just like seeing where the wind blows me because I’m 26 and I want kids like at some point in my life. Sooner the better really and our current timeline is like I better go freeze my eggs. Sorry that really went off the rails but like I’m pretty scared of being with him for like ever. We’re coming up on four years now. And then just it doesn’t work and I’ve lost my twenties. Like yikes. But I’ve learned a ton from him at the very least. And loved him and been loved. The passage of time just seriously scares me. I hate that I have to plan for my future by like making a choice about this whole separate human who I love but who also drives me crazy at times. Like idk what to do with him haha. It seems like a HUGE responsibility to like find what makes me happy and get it. And then I panic. Anyway thanks for the vent sesh. I’m actually feeling so much less stressed out than I have before so I know I’ll be fine.
 
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CalmMe

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I mean we will choose new things for the apartment together too. I don’t think he’ll overrun it. He just will veto what he doesn’t like which leaves a narrow selection lol. I guess that’s like fine? But I just don’t get it. I would only oppose something if it was seriously ugly lol. Anyway he kinda gets in those moods where I think he feels he would be giving in too much so he holds his ground. He’s like scared of commitment and of changing for me I think. But at his core he’s like up for it. He’ll sometimes oppose something just to randomly give in at the last second. He’s very much like he’ll talk the talk of a stringent, particular person but then walk the walk of accomadating and sweet. I think part of it is he is of Mexican descent and although he insists he’s not remotely like this, I think part of him feels he should have a little machismo. Lol. Although I’ve met his parents and they’re both super chill so I don’t think they instilled that lol. But yeah I think he fears giving in to me too much. Like he thinks that would be dumb. I worry about the same on my end lol. Every so once in a while we both give in to it and strike a great balance. Until one of us has a complaint of some sort then we’re both like alright well back to my own thing then. But I’m on meds now and WAY better at not flip flopping that way. Idk our lease is just for a year. I’m gonna be patient and see how the year plays out. At the end of the year I hope to have a solid “yes let’s move forward” or “okay let’s separate” and no more just like seeing where the wind blows me because I’m 26 and I want kids like at some point in my life. Sooner the better really and our current timeline is like I better go freeze my eggs. Sorry that really went off the rails but like I’m pretty scared of being with him for like ever. We’re coming up on four years now. And then just it doesn’t work and I’ve lost my twenties. Like yikes. But I’ve learned a ton from him at the very least. And loved him and been loved. The passage of time just seriously scares me. I hate that I have to plan for my future by like making a choice about this whole separate human who I love but who also drives me crazy at times. Like idk what to do with him haha. It seems like a HUGE responsibility to like find what makes me happy and get it. And then I panic. Anyway thanks for the vent sesh. I’m actually feeling so much less stressed out than I have before so I know I’ll be fine.
 
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CalmMe

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Jul 20, 2020
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Texas
I accidentally quoted but clicked the wrong button...

Here is my reply:


It is very difficult to live with another person, family, friend or other. There must be compromise, not just a person "vetoing" whatever they don't like. I would be careful to watch for whether he is compromising with you or just saying I won't do this, I won't have that. Why doesn't he want a cat, by the way? Just curious because in the long run think about it -- would you like to have a cat and feel like having someone in your life who also enjoys cats would be a better fit for you? Should you have to give up many things that you truly love or like or enjoy to make him happy? Would he even BE happy? It sounds like he's combative about giving in or even considering compromise and that is a flag for me. I'm old, I've been around the block a few times and you have so much ahead of you and time to find someone who truly meshes with you on those levels that you consider important. My advice is simply don't give up too much of yourself and what you love and like and enjoy for others because if they demand that you do (or you demand the other person to do this) then it's not a good thing for either of you. You may waste years on someone (I speak from experience) who had a lot of good qualities but wasn't the right match. I'm not sure on this rug thing but honestly if that rug made me happy I wouldn't remove it. Don't lose yourself pleasing someone else. They don't end up pleased with you anyway and you waste time and effort that could be used in a healthier place. I hope you find someone for your life that you can enjoy cats and colorful rugs with and who would want kids with you and will enjoy you for who you are and vice versa. I don't want to make you feel bad about the coming year but guard your heart is my advice.

(Living with a guy was a mistake I made and I should have waited for marriage. In my experience if there's no marriage there's no commitment and something is always missing.)
 
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EstherRose94

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I hope you find someone for your life that you can enjoy cats and colorful rugs with and who would want kids with you and will enjoy you for who you are and vice versa.

That’s so sweet, thank you. I agree. Cats and rugs aren’t too much to ask for. We’ve been moving things in to the new place and so far so good but I’ve been praying and meditating on this: I need to be me. I want to be myself this year, even if it brings to light that we aren’t compatible.

Idk quite what that will look like yet but I hope it teaches us both a lot. I think if we still weren’t moving in this year I’d be tempted to break things off. I want us to try this and see where things go but I am definitely a little scared right now.
 
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