• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Thinking too much...

B

bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Hey all,

I'm not sure if it's the time of year but I'm feeling super reflective at the moment. Which wouldn't be so bad of it hadn't been such a rubbish year!

Right now I'm back in the grips of depression again. Probably my own fault as I cam off my meds. Not a deliberate decision to do so, just being away from home and not finding time to register with a new doctor or make it back to my old one. Seemed to be okay for a few weeks, even felt better; less muddled and definitely got to see my happier side again. Suddenly last week I realised why I was tired all the time and finding myself on the verge of tears. It's been a bit of a kick in the teeth as I had foolishly convinced myself that I could do without meds. Still, better to realise before it got too out of hand and so I'm back to the doctor next on Weds.

So I'm not sure if the reflectiveness is just the time of year, or the depression, but it really has been one crazy year. It started off with me on holiday with my husband believing I wanted to leave him, that I was in love with someone else and about a month later I plummeted into a depression that made me think ... the 4 months of totally crazy behaviour that came before the depression might just have been an indicator that the psychiatrist who suspected I was bipolar 12 years earlier could've been right. And was as it turns out.

Things are good with my husband now, we made it through and it's not always rosy but he's stuck by me in spite of the diagnosis. Fortunately, though he may have had an inkling, he never knew how I was feeling about someone else. And that someone else didn't feel the same so nothing ever happened which is a blessing. I was made redundant this year but now have a decent job, living in a new town, and my husband has just found a job here for the new year. We get to be together again which is great!

It's all a new life and I'm excited. But I wonder, how to make new friends? It's the thing that scares me more than anything. I messed up a fantastic friendship this year, it's totally irreparable and still makes me cry and I miss that person so much. And right now I don't think I could risk my feelings or indeed risk causing any kind of stress or hurt to anyone else.

I feel really confused about what I'm supposed to do about this illness. I'm trying to manage it and I know I messed up a bit with the coming off meds thing. Am getting back on track with that, but do I tell people that I have this? I have barely told any existing friends but the friends I do have I'm not terribly close to. There are only three people I have felt comfortable being honest with and one of them is the friendship I lost this year. I feel that telling him about bipolar had a massive amount to do with that; he felt I was putting too much responsibility on him, and because he knew about it I know I became over dependant and needy. He had reacted really well when I told him and so that scares me more ... I wouldn't be surprised for people to react badly but if they didn't, and then I messed up again ....

God, I don't really know what I'm going on about anymore!! :)

I guess I'd just like to hear other people's stories about how they've handled new friendships with this diagnosis. How do you know if people will accept you? How do you avoid making them feel a level of responsibility if you do tell them? Or do you just not tell them? That last one is hard for me as I don't know that I would ever feel genuinely close to anyone ever again if they didn't know about the bipolar. But still, I'm terrified of making friends anyway and that's a hurdle in itself!

Confused?! I know I am!!! :unsure:
 
L

loonatoon

Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
21
Location
Leeds
hey bluebell

I jst wanted to say hello and I will reply to you tomorrow, I have work in a few hours and I havent slept yet :( too many thoughts going around in my head.

I hope this isnt keeping you up, making new friends has been difficult for me too. I don't feel I really connect with anyone anymore and feel my personality has dissapeared.

Ofcourse when I started feeling low I started to read more into the symptoms. I do not know what I am suffering from, so I do not want to disrespect anyone with bipolar, I just want you to know I can relate to a little of what youre going through and if you ever need to chat, get in touch.

Talk tomorrow
x
 
B

bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
Thank you for your reply...was a late night for me too tho not quite as late as yours! Sometimes I wish for a switch on the back of my head ; )

It's connecting that's hard for me too, I don't quite know how we get round it! Really puzzled about what's me any more but I hope I can find my way back to the me I liked and that other people seemed to too.

All such an effort sometimes though?! : )
 
B

bluebell24

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
106
PS - I don't think it really matters what our respective diagnoses our, it's just a relief to know there are other people in the same boat, as much as I wish no-one else would be
 
L

loonatoon

Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
21
Location
Leeds
hellooo

I know, its good to talk to people who are going through similar things, it doesnt make me feel so isolated. I used to be so bubbly and want to socialise all the time but all I feel like doing after work is staying in, the last thing I fancy is going out partying....maybe thats just growing older?

A switch would be great wouldnt it hehe, i resulted to a couple of sleeping tablets last night to try and stop the whizzing thoughts running around!

I dont have a problem talking to people as such, its just building strong friendships and relationships. I seem to attract the same men over and over. hmmmph.

Just got a letter today from the NHS to book an appointment with the local mental health services for some councelling. I am pretty scared that Ill have to open up about everything in order to maybe find some triggers as to why I get so low at times. They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I dont want to feel like this anymore so I will go.

Maybe thats something that would help?

Anyways thats my rant for today lol message me if u need to let it all out!

Bex X
 
Top