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Thinking non-stop about being a trans

Y

yulsic_

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Brazil
I am a 24yo girl and never had problems with my gender identity until december, 2020. This thoughts came from nowhere and bother me until today, I am struggling to discover what is true or not, let me explain and tell my history and experience. I had a history of obssessions that started on november, 2014. It was a tough time as well! I will do a list and put the year in the end.
1. I thought I had sex in the night club I was and my head kept telling me I was pregnant one day after, so I went to the drugstore and buy DIAD, even without knowing what really happened there. I did a lot of pregnancy tests too! Everyday.
2. I started to think that I lost my virginity there, so I went to the doctor and she told me that nothing happened to me.
3. Even with this information, my head kept telling me something bad happened and I started to think I was with HIV, so I had to do the test to calm my self down. But more obssessions came to me.
4. I started thinking if I really believe in God or not.
5. I started thinking if I was a lesbian or not.
6. Thoughts about being possessed by some demon or something alike.
(2014/2015).
7. Obssessed in a bad way with a job I got, I had to quit, because as the other crisis, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat properly. (2017).
8. Obssessed with COVID-19, where everything I touched, led me to think I was contamined. There were days I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying. I used a lot of hand sanitizer and my hands in that time was dry. (The skin). Happened on March, 2020.
And now I will explain how this current crisis started:
I ate something that wasn't good for me and I was physically sick. Out of nowhere, came a thought to me that I could be with stomach cancer. I will do a list with the thoughts that came right after:
1. If I really believe in god or not, for the second time.
2. If I was satanic or something like that.
3 If I was lesbian or not, again.
4. If I really liked my boyfriend, it led me to broke up with him.
5. If I like Kids sexually or not, I couldnt even stay close of my niece. That scared me a lot!
6. The trans.
I was searching about consequences of child abuse, onde I suffered it when I was a kid and there I read something like "sexual identity problems" and then I researched what this means and after I couldn't find peace. I kept asking to everybody how I was when I was a kid, if I looked a boy, if I wished to be like a boy, but there is no evidence about it and I can't remember of something like that. Now everything in me bothers me because of these thoughts, I used to pay a girl to do my nails, even bought a dryer to take care of my hair but nothing makes sense now. My sexual parts looks strange, I can't even recognize my self and this never happened before all this things. I am really worried! I don't know who I am anymore. My hair bothers me too and this never happened, I used to like my hair a loooot and my Mother told me I never liked short hair, I have never been a tomboy, by the way and met some trans men and didnt make difference to me, but now I am doubting everything. I used to send nudes to my boyfriend and let him play with my parts and this never bothered me before, but now I keep thinking about it 24/7. That I am not satisfied with nothing that belongs to me... I even got two nipple piercings when I was younger. I don't know what is happening... people who is passing through this, I am accepting advices, some support.
* I consider myself as a bisexual woman.
* I can't imagine people treating me as masculine.
 
A

Alooftech

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
58
Location
Phoenix
I do believe that not wanting to firmly categorize yourself when you don't fit is a good thing but I'm also aware a lot of repression goes along side it. Tbh that repression is somewhat necessitated by a lot of the limitations that go along with being constrained not just by culture but by reality itself in many cases.
 
Y

yulsic_

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Brazil
I do believe that not wanting to firmly categorize yourself when you don't fit is a good thing but I'm also aware a lot of repression goes along side it. Tbh that repression is somewhat necessitated by a lot of the limitations that go along with being constrained not just by culture but by reality itself in many cases.
Are you suggesting that all those obssessions is a denial?
 
A

Alooftech

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
58
Location
Phoenix
Yes, no, idk, and don't care. Just don't categorize yourself so as not to feel repressed.
You don't know who you are anymore, you're doubting everything your identity is clouded, yeah I did..my answer still stands... whatever you are, aren't, no categories. You'll figure it out soon enough.
 
B

Bernard soares

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2021
Messages
20
Location
Gloucester
seems like you have classic OCD ruminations. Have you tried an SSRI medication.?
 
F

Felicity

New member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
3
Location
France
I am a 24yo girl and never had problems with my gender identity until december, 2020. This thoughts came from nowhere and bother me until today, I am struggling to discover what is true or not, let me explain and tell my history and experience. I had a history of obssessions that started on november, 2014. It was a tough time as well! I will do a list and put the year in the end.
1. I thought I had sex in the night club I was and my head kept telling me I was pregnant one day after, so I went to the drugstore and buy DIAD, even without knowing what really happened there. I did a lot of pregnancy tests too! Everyday.
2. I started to think that I lost my virginity there, so I went to the doctor and she told me that nothing happened to me.
3. Even with this information, my head kept telling me something bad happened and I started to think I was with HIV, so I had to do the test to calm my self down. But more obssessions came to me.
4. I started thinking if I really believe in God or not.
5. I started thinking if I was a lesbian or not.
6. Thoughts about being possessed by some demon or something alike.
(2014/2015).
7. Obssessed in a bad way with a job I got, I had to quit, because as the other crisis, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat properly. (2017).
8. Obssessed with COVID-19, where everything I touched, led me to think I was contamined. There were days I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying. I used a lot of hand sanitizer and my hands in that time was dry. (The skin). Happened on March, 2020.
And now I will explain how this current crisis started:
I ate something that wasn't good for me and I was physically sick. Out of nowhere, came a thought to me that I could be with stomach cancer. I will do a list with the thoughts that came right after:
1. If I really believe in god or not, for the second time.
2. If I was satanic or something like that.
3 If I was lesbian or not, again.
4. If I really liked my boyfriend, it led me to broke up with him.
5. If I like Kids sexually or not, I couldnt even stay cj
 
F

Felicity

New member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
3
Location
France
I had written a super long answer, which took me nearly an hour because English is not my native language, and everything got deleted. Ughhh. Here we go again.

First of all it’s very comforting to see someone is going through the same stuff as me. One thing I find reassuring for you in your testimony is that you already seem to know you struggle with OCD. In my case, I know I tend to obsess and overeact about things but it never got to this extreme point. However I know my mother struggled for a long time with the thought she had a cancer. The mechanisms very much looked like OCD.

Anyway, I’m also obsessed and terrified about the possibility of being trans. To put some context I’m a 29 y.old girl who, unlike you, never had any romantic or sexual relationship, which makes me quite confused about my sexual preferences. I still think I’m probably bisexual.

My obsession also started in December, when I read about Elliot Page’s coming out. I don’t know why this disturbed me so much. Maybe it was because most of the trans celebrities I knew before were trans women,and I couldn’t relate to them? Maybe it was because to me, Elliot was a proud lesbian woman and this kinda changed the way I saw him? I don’t know, but this prevented me from sleeping and eating for 2 days until I couldn’t keep everything to myself anymore. I kept wondering « What if? What if this explained why I don’t always feel right in my skin? ». So I talked about it with my mother and my sister. Just like your mom, they were baffled. In their opinion, absolutely nothing in my current behavior or in my childhood pointed to the possibility of me being trans. I kept asking them about my childhood, and still do it now. I became obsessed with memories from my childhood I had never thought about becore, for ex I remembered thinking as a child « What if I’m a boy raised as a girl? » or roleplaying with my cousins and accepting to play a male character without it bothering me. However there are also plenty of elements that tend to say I never had any particular problem with my gender. I never hated my breasts, in fact I remembered sometimes wish I had bigger boobs. I never felt sick or disgusted about having my period. When we were separated between boys and girls at school, I don’t remember thinking « I wish I was with the boys ». I even think these past few years have been the years i’ve been the most comfortable with my feminity. I bought a lot of dresses in 2019/2020, when I rarely wore dresses or skirts before. I changed the way I did my make up. I was completely comfortable wearing a bikini this summer, etc.

Despite all this, I’m plagued with doubt and anxiety. This sometimes leads to quite impressive panick attacks during which I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I keep wondering « What if? » I suddenly picture myself with a male chest, or even with a penis. I imagine myself asking people to call me « he » or I keep thinking that in a sexual relationship, I might like being the one who penetrates rather than the one being penetrated. Even writing this is now giving me anxiety.

Since then, like you, I overthink everything « Am I forcing myself to wear this dress? » « I look like a boy, I have a masculine face, a masculine jaw » or even when I watch TV shows : « Do I identify more with the male character or the female character? »

This obsession takes so much space that I decided to see a psychologist at the end of December. I now see her once a week. During the first consultation, she told me she had already had trans patients and that she didn’t think it was my case. Unfortunately her professional opinion was not enough to convince me and I kept spiraling regularly.
Last week, I talked to her about an article I had read about Gender Identity OCD, thinking I had maybe found my answer (even my mom and my sis thought this perfectly fit my « symptoms »). However she did not seem to go the OCD road and kept insisting this was not really relevant as this did not help identify and solve the true underlying issue.

long story short, like you i’m lost and confused. I had multiple anxiety attacks this week and even posted my story on a LGBT forum to have opinions, which was kind of stupid i think.
 

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