Think I wrote in the wrong place this morning ....

[Scared with BPD]

Hello

Very early this morning I came across this site and ventured, first time ever, to make a contribution. Feel very stupid now as I think I spilled my guts in the wrong place and I'm hoping that's why I haven't received a response. Of course, it could just well be I sent someone back to bed sleepy with my long moaning diatribe!

I know that theoretically BPD is associated with young people so I'm a bit nervous that I'm going to be viewed as the mad old lady who should have grown out of it by now. I was diagnosed 6 years ago but in hindsight can see a lot of tell tale signs throughout all my life.

I've managed to gain jobs (before the old credit crunch of course) pretty continually but just never managed to keep them. Sacked from everyone apart from C4 who gave me the option to resign!

I'm currently battling to get Employment Support Allowance and bloody hell, that in itself is enough to tip you over the edge. They've managed to lose my medical certificate already and the thought of the hopeless assessment ahead of me just makes me want to jump back under the duvet for another week.

God, just realised, I am moaning again, sorry everyone, think I've forgotten how to even pretend to be positive.

Would really love to hear from someone - sadly now only have a social circle of my husband and parents as friends gave up on the erratic behaviour a long time ago.

Keep safe
Claire

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Claire

And to the forum.

I hope you find it as friendly and suportive as I have

There is a (rather long) thread that people have posted their experiences of ESA on, here is the link if you are interested.

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=2822

I hope they get it sorted for you soon.

 

[Scared with BPD]

Thanks for your support

Cannot tell you how great it is to have found this forum where you can air your fears, worries and "craziness" without feeling guilty about worrying loved ones.

Fingers crossed I will get my application sorted out soon.

How are things going for you?

Claire

 

[bubbling under]

....

 

[*Sapphire*]

Yes this forum is unique in those ways, it has really helped me learn to be more open and express myself as well as to find some real support, empathy and comfort from people experiencing with similar issues.

I am good thanks, I have/had BPD too (if you mean Borderline PD by that and not Biploar!), I'm hopefully coming out of the otherside of it now, although I still have my wobbly moments, as we all do!

 

[Scared with BPD]

Husband - deadwood

Hello again

I have known throughout the 14 years we have been together that I guess I was second best. I am ashamed to admit that my self esteem is so low that I knew he went to meet her before we got married. I tried to punish him by ignoring him and sleeping on the sofa for three days, he was living in my accommodation which I think now is the only reason he grovelled to me.

I found out after we were married that he had this "agreement" with his mother that she would always pass on his new address and phone number.
What a f**king bitch!

When I was very mentally ill he used to tell me that he was going to spend time with her. Although it cut me to the core, I had nothing to respond with. I was very suicidal at the time and I felt incredibly guilty when he had to pick up the pieces when I either ran away from the MH hospital or hurt myself so much that I couldn't move my arms enough to life anything or lock the door. In a way I felt he was justified in seeking normality somewhere else.

What has killed me tonight is that after he shattered his knee-cap and I was with him before and after the operation, waiting with great food etc. Giving him three meals a day, a bed bath (which the Physiotherapist just laughed at how chancy he was being) he mentioned in passing that he texted his ex "Paula" to let her know he was in hospital - WHY????

I really feel this is the final nail in the coffin for us. I cannot believe or trust in him anymore at all.

I only have him and my parents in my life right now and so it feels like a big decison to walk away. My heart is telling me to runaway and start again somewhere new - really unsure what to do.

Is anyone there at the moment?

Love Claire x