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Things I have learnt

Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
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850
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Norfolk
So I’m four sessions into therapy and here’s what I have learnt about myself.

1. I take responsibility for other people’s emotions and use emotional reasoning
2. I have to have control
3. I expect rather than hope
4. I am driven by urges
5. I detach from situations
6. I have no fear of consequence
7. I set no limitations
8. I do not dislike myself, I dislike my behaviour

I now know why I have developed these traits and think I understand why I have had such self destructive coping mechanisms. When you’re subjected to cruelty, abuse or abandonment (in my case all three), you are left with a feeling that you are worthless, nobody cares about you, you are unloveable. You turn to self harm, alcohol or drugs to temporarily reduce your pain, you detach because reality is too painful. You have no fear of consequence because you feel as it you don’t matter, so if your behaviour damages you or kills you, who cares.
This is the battle. To convince yourself you DO matter. You can love and be loved. You CAN live without perpetual suffering. You CAN regulate your emotions. To be kinder to yourself.
The battle continues..
 
Luci

Luci

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Mar 15, 2019
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England
Thank you for sharing ♡

'Taking responsibility for others emotions and using emotional reasoning' I think this is what I do, will you explain what you mean so I can see if I'm right?
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
850
Location
Norfolk
Thank you for sharing ♡

'Taking responsibility for others emotions and using emotional reasoning' I think this is what I do, will you explain what you mean so I can see if I'm right?
I’ll try. Emotional Reasoning is when just because you ‘feel’ something is true you firmly believe it must be true. (I’ve attached some examples for you). Furthermore, due to your lack of self worth you ‘feel’ other people’s emotions and take responsibility for them. You also feel that if they are in pain, you think they are suffering as you do, although unless they have BPD they may be in far less pain than you think. For example, I saw a look of fear in my little sisters eyes, so whenever she broke something I took responsibility for it. I had taken responsibility for her emotions to try to ease the pain I thought she felt.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
850
Location
Norfolk
I’ll try. Emotional Reasoning is when just because you ‘feel’ something is true you firmly believe it must be true. (I’ve attached some examples for you). Furthermore, due to your lack of self worth you ‘feel’ other people’s emotions and take responsibility for them. You also feel that if they are in pain, you think they are suffering as you do, although unless they have BPD they may be in far less pain than you think. For example, I saw a look of fear in my little sisters eyes, so whenever she broke something I took responsibility for it. I had taken responsibility for her emotions to try to ease the pain I thought she felt.
 

Attachments

G

Girl interupted

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Thanks for this. It’s made me realize how far I’ve come.
 
Luci

Luci

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Messages
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England
Really helpful, thanks Lunus. So me believing I cause someone elses unhappiness or it's my fault somehow, their unkind behaviour towards me is my fault, that is emotional reasoning?
I don't mean to sound stupid if I do, just this post may be helping me understand why I do this....
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
850
Location
Norfolk
Really helpful, thanks Lunus. So me believing I cause someone elses unhappiness or it's my fault somehow, their unkind behaviour towards me is my fault, that is emotional reasoning?
I don't mean to sound stupid if I do, just this post may be helping me understand why I do this....
Step back a bit first. What you are actually doing is first, through your feelings, you are saying you are responsible for their happiness! Therefore if they are NOT happy THEN you feel responsible for their unhappiness and therefore suffer. You also believe that their unhappiness is causing them to suffer as you do, which they rarely do. Basically all the above you base on just a FEELING, it’s so strong that you truly believe that it’s true even though there are no facts to support it.
This is all tied to your core beliefs of low self worth and feeling unloveable. You think if you can make others happy then you’ll feel better about yourself. I’m no expert but that’s my understanding. Hope it helps. x
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
850
Location
Norfolk
Step back a bit first. What you are actually doing is first, through your feelings, you are saying you are responsible for their happiness! Therefore if they are NOT happy THEN you feel responsible for their unhappiness and therefore suffer. You also believe that their unhappiness is causing them to suffer as you do, which they rarely do. Basically all the above you base on just a FEELING, it’s so strong that you truly believe that it’s true even though there are no facts to support it.
This is all tied to your core beliefs of low self worth and feeling unloveable. You think if you can make others happy then you’ll feel better about yourself. I’m no expert but that’s my understanding. Hope it helps. x
The first thing you must do is try to realise you are NOT responsible for other people’s emotions, NOT responsible for their thoughts and feelings. THEY are. The only responsibility you have is for your own thoughts feelings and behaviour. This alone will cause your suffering to reduce.
 
C

Coolname

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Jun 3, 2019
Messages
202
Location
UK
Step back a bit first. What you are actually doing is first, through your feelings, you are saying you are responsible for their happiness! Therefore if they are NOT happy THEN you feel responsible for their unhappiness and therefore suffer. You also believe that their unhappiness is causing them to suffer as you do, which they rarely do. Basically all the above you base on just a FEELING, it’s so strong that you truly believe that it’s true even though there are no facts to support it.
This is all tied to your core beliefs of low self worth and feeling unloveable. You think if you can make others happy then you’ll feel better about yourself. I’m no expert but that’s my understanding. Hope it helps. x
Thanks for this. It was a lesson I learned and then regularly forget. Anymore thoughts on emotional reasoning would be welcome.
 
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