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Things are getting worse!

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white-witch

Well-known member
Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Well I tried ringing my Dad today, he is 86 and could not get a reply..he never goes out except to the grocery shop across the road..so after 2 hrs I rang the grocery shop (thats the only number I could think to ring) and asked if he had been in they said 'no'..so I asked if they would go across and see if he was ok..they rang me back to say they could hear him crying for help but of course could not get to him..I asked them to ring the police but they thought I should (?) of course I am in Yorkshire and my dad is in Surrey so I got through to Yorkshire police and they had to transfer the call to Surrey. The police had to break down the back door and they got an ambulance and they think my dad had been on the floor for 2 days so the police officer who rang asked me when I had last visited my dad and I said 'last March' he then said ' are you aware of the conditions he is living in?' 'Yes, I said but he refuses to let me get social services or anyone involved (I feel awful) I said after this I will definately get someone involved because it cannot go on like this', My dad is a very bloody minded scot and if he says 'no' then I accept that...so I feel terrible about the conditions he lives in but being 250 miles away and struggling to do my own cleaning there is not much I can do. My dad also only seems to have 'hard chairs' and there is no comfort but he does have plenty of money and could easily pay to have the house cleared, cleaned, decorated and furnished without doing much harm to his savings.

I am ringing the hospital in 30 mins to see what is what and may need to go to Surrey tomorrow (cannot tonight..no trains from here) so I may need to get my dog into kennels and get myself onto a train to Kings Cross then one to Surrey + taxis + B&B so will have to cancel my vinyl being fitted tomorrow because will need that money to travel..I am not bothered about that my dad comes first... although when I was younger we did not get on at all, he was horrible to me, but since I had my first son we have kind of built a r/ship...my mum and dad divorced when I was 21.

I have to get some kind of 'care package' sorted for him or perhaps a care home but I know once he gets his 'second wind' he will fight me all the way..the other alternative is he comes to live with me..I have a small spare bedroom..but do not know what he will make of that idea.... and I would have to have carers for him because I cannot physically do it + with my at times dubious mental health I wonder if it would work?

I am totally confused at the moment so apologies if this does not make much sense but need to 'get it out'.


Take care xx
 
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angel10

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2010
Messages
953
Location
derbyshire
Hi belb, so sorry to hear about your dad. It must be so hard living so far away. My thoughts are with you.
 
Girl Interrupted

Girl Interrupted

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Joined
Feb 24, 2011
Messages
894
Location
North Yorkshire
That all sounds a huge worry. It's good your Dad was found, and is now in a place where all his needs can be met.

Try get some sleep tonight, you're going to need it if you're setting out on at least half a days travelling tomorrow. I hope that you're able to get access to the right care services your Dad needs.

Another option may be for him to be moved to sheltered accommodation where he had his independence but is supported by a warden service? You're fully aware of the other options so I wish you all the best.
 
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white-witch

Well-known member
Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

I rang the hospital but they are still assessing him so have to ring back at 10.30 pm.

I have been looking at train times and fares and unfortunately because of where I live and where my dad lives/ is in hospital I remember from last time I went on train many years ago..I have to get a train to Kings cross which takes 3 hrs then get 'across' London to Victoria station to get a train to Dorking which is probably going to take me about 6 hrs because I live an hour and 15 mins away from the railway station on bus...but my dad is in hospital in Redhill so need to look that up!
I also need to get the kennels to come and pick my little dog up (he hates going to kennels) but I have no alternative.

My son lives about 1 hrs car journey away from my dad and he is on 'stand by' and is worried about me and said ' just dont come rushing if all thats going to happen is grandad is going to be in hospital for awhile, lets wait and see about the condition he is in and then decide what needs to happen' although my son does think I need to be down at some point to sort out aftercare etc so maybe next week..will find out hopefully at 10.30 pm.

Yes GI my dad is in a 'safe' place and I am so grateful for that..its hearbreaking to think he may have been laid on the floor for 2 days. I wish he lived near so I could 'check' on him daily..but will see what we can sort out..I had not thought of sheltered housing so ty for that. Depending on how dad is and what he wants or does not want will determine what happens next...if he wants to stay in his home he will have to have support... here where I live OAP can join the 'lifeline' and they have a big red button on a phone or a pendant that can be worn round the neck in case they need help..so will see what is available in Surrey for dad.

I will definately be down to sort things out for dad but need to time it so I am there at the crucial part and not there when there is nothing I can do..if you know what I mean? because unfortunately I do not have the money to spend a long time there or to go back several times to organise everything.

Take care xx

PS someone had told dad it was cheaper to keep the central heating on all the time so he was doing that..I hope it was on for the last couple of days for him..I'm heartbroken thinking of him laying alone for that long. I only ring about 3 times a week because he gets quite short with me..thats his way..but I nearly never rang today......thank god I did.
 
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white-witch

Well-known member
Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Dads been admitted to hospital although I still did not get a 'proper' answer despite ringing several times last night and early hours of this morning! I will ring again at about 7am.

I feel so crap because I just do not handle adverse circumstances very well..I have had little sleep and my mind is in over-drive..I am not bothered about Christmas at all but if I do have to 'travel' down south then I guess the cost of kennels (providing they are not all full due to Christmas) may be higher than normal..the train fares are expensive (they are anytime) and I do not know what my chances of getting B&B will be at this time of year..so feel crap...and there is nothing I can do until I get some definate answers from the hospital. My son works in Oxford and has told me to go straight to Oxford and he will drive me to the hospital rather then me have to cross London and get another train to Surrey...he also said he will lend me any money I need...Arggggg I am crap at coping, crap at not having money for emergencies and I am no doubt a crap daughter for not 'rushing straight there'..although I could not go last night because trains from here stopped at 6.30 pm.

Sorry for 'going on' but I am trying to get my thoughts and feelings out because there is no-one else for me to talk it out with and I do not have a bloody clue what to do!

Take care xx
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,626
You are not a crap daughter at all, you are thinking a lot about your dad and will be organised. Its a horrible thing to face. I hope dad is going to be o.k, hope you can find something concrete out.
Don;t forget to look after yourself either, this must have thrown you in to total panic, its understandable.

Be safe
KS
xxxxxxxxx
 
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white-witch

Well-known member
Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Just rang hospital 6.15 am and dad is being treated for a chest infection and nurse said no need for me to rush there. I explained about the conditions that dad lives in and that he refuses for me to contact social services for help/support and asked about them getting a social worker involved and the nurse said this will happen and dad would not be allowed to go home to bad conditions! I feel so, so bad about the conditions he has been living in..I was aware of them in March when I visited and talked with dad about getting social services involved..he went mad and told me to mind my own bloody business and that he did not want 'bloody, nosey ppl in and out' so I did nothing...because truth be told I am still quite intimidated by my dad..although I cannot do much physically and struggle to do my own cleaning...if he lived nearer I would have tried to sort the mess out..so now I feel very guilty for leaving him in that mess! I knew he was warm enough..although I was concerned about what he was eating (not much) I only got 'that' out of him in the last few weeks (it was like pulling teeth) but he does have plenty of money (got the golden handshake off the docks + many years of savings) and could afford to buy those ready meals in....and like I said earlier he could afford to have his home cleaned and decorated and properly furnished..but for some reason he does not want to part with his money..I do not know what he is saving it for....when he could have a lovely, comfortable environment with good meals!

So I still do not know what I am doing about going down south I need to talk more to someone at the hospital because I need to be there to arrange 'after-care' and it is pointless going just to 'visit' dad if I am going to be of no practical use....because I cannot afford to go several times due to kennel costs and cost of trains, taxis etc. If dad lived nearer I would have been 'straight' there. When I went in March this year he was not happy about me going 'its ok to just talk on the phone, no need to visit' he said and when I saw the state of the house I knew why + he does not show much emotion and is not good at showing love so even going to kiss him on the cheek makes him 'step back' which is very disconcerting and something I have struggled with since being small...in fact he showed me little love after the age of about 6 yrs....so going there and 'showering' him with love and care is not going to be well received..so i feel my visit must be a practical one to be of use!

Take care xx
 
C

celticlass

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Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
629
Location
Scotland
I really would not overly stress. There are issues of his ability to make his own decisions going on here. Just tell the hospital staff your concerns and let them deal with it x
 
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Nixieplonx

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Joined
Aug 24, 2011
Messages
351
Location
Teesside
Jeez Belblac, so sorry you're going throught this. Is is SO frustrating when family won't accept help, and when you are not close enough to intervene. It sounds like your dad wouldn't accept your help anyway despite your concerns.

Celticlass you are right as usual. It is ultimately a matter of mental capacity.

Belblac - your dad is responsible for his own life. If he chooses not to accept help then that is his decision, and his decision alone, and you need to seperate his decisions from your own strong feelings of right / wrong, guilt / frustration etc. Sorry to be frank, but you do not owe your dad anything, particularly if he's never been there for you (and has deliberately refused any help, - that's the main issue). It's bloody awful being sensitive to people's needs, but I think you have to separate your feelings from your dad's. It sounds like you're thinking along these lines anyway, just want to reassure you that you are right.

You have your own responsibilites - your dog for starters - and you need to think practically rather than emotionally (I know only too well that's a lot easier said than done!!) So glad you've got your own family to support you.

It sounds like the nurses have got it all in hand. It might be worth a phone call to check that he's been referred to Social Services (they might have a designated hospital social work team?) They can arrange a 'lifeline', referral for sheltered accommodation (if your dad's agreeable), and generally make him as independent as possible. You don't necessarily have to be there physically, an allocated social worker will contact you and take a history from you anyhoo.

I hope you'll get some rest and keep things in perspective. (BTW I'm a social worker in a Hospital Team, and if you need some professional advice PM me.) Take care XX
 
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white-witch

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Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Thank you celticlass and Nixieplonx for replies..good to know you are a social worker in a hospital team Nixieplonx and I will for sure PM you if I need professional help t.y.

I have rang the hospital several times today and managed to talk to one nurse who appeared to be very 'on the ball' she reassured me there is little I can do by visiting and that dad is 'comfortable' although 'confused' he has a chest infection and is dehydrated so they are treating those. I asked the nurse about social service involvement and she said they would arrange all that before dad is discharged.

My son who works in Oxford....actually lives in Basingstoke...and him and his partner are going tonight 20th to see dad..although I understand my son is rather 'unsure' because he does not really know my dad very well and although he saw my dad with me last March the time before that, that my son saw him or had contact with him was 1990 so 21 yrs..my son knows of some of the 'difficulties' I have had in my r/ship with my dad and also knows full well how 'short' my dad can be..so he is dubious to say the least! But my son is mainly visiting for my sake...so that hopefully he can 'put my mind at rest'.

Physically I am not too good and need to see my GP again..so I am quite hesitant about having to travel so far feeling like I do (don't want to end up in hospital so many miles away myself!) Mentally, well I always 'struggle' in winter and this year is no different and all I want to do is 'sleep the bad feelings away'. I really, truly 'hate' the cold and it seems to 'invade' my body to such an extent that I always feel cold inside..yuk! Oh! for those days when I could run around endlessly and felt so 'alive and vibrant'.

I will of course keep ringing the hospital and will 'act' on what my son says regarding the situation after he has seen dad..but there is nothing else I can do at the moment and I will have to try hard to stop giving myself a 'hard time' about it although that is easier said then done!


Take care xx
 
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Nixieplonx

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Joined
Aug 24, 2011
Messages
351
Location
Teesside
How's your dad doing Belblac? Hope you're both OK X
 
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white-witch

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Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
1,147
Location
Dark side of the moon
Hi Nixie,

Dad is doing ok now although still confused..my son visited him on Wednesday night. I talked to the Occupational Therapist at the hospital on the phone today and she said they would not discharge dad until everything was in place for him..she talked about he's home needing 'deep cleaning' and also some equipment needed and carers etc so will keep in touch with her so things 'get done'. I do not feel that me going there at the moment would be of any use so will go when dad is discharged and stay a little while to make sure things are in place and going ok. My son will visit dad again next week..my son left £20 for dad if he needs any toileteries or papers etc so I have told OT that he has that and asked if she could make whoever needs to know aware..its so awkward being 250 miles away.

Thank you for asking after us both it is very kind of you and much appreciated..hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Take care xx
 
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Nixieplonx

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Joined
Aug 24, 2011
Messages
351
Location
Teesside
Really glad you're both OK. Sounds like your dad is in good hands. You might find he will be less confused when he finally returns home, it's very disorientating for a lot of people in hospital (even younger people), especially when unwell. Thanks for your Christmas wishes, the same to you and your family and all the best for 2012 XX
 
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