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There's Something Seriously Wrong With Me

C

ChillVibes

New member
Joined
May 11, 2016
Messages
1
I get the feeling that this post is going to be long, and I apologize in advance, however I'm going to try and explain what's been going on as best I can so I can get the best answer. I'm only 18 years old and I'm really confused myself with all the things that are going on and I'd really appreciate if I'm not judged.

So,
I was having a really good life about 4 months ago. I had experienced depression and anxiety before, but nothing super extreme. Life seemed to be great, I had a few really close friends, I'd been going out with my boyfriend who I loved very much for almost 2 years, and I had plans for the new year to have a fresh start, ect.

This all got flipped upside down completely when my boyfriend broke up with me. I couldn't understand why, or what was wrong with me, or what I ever did to him to make him hate me so much because I loved him with all my heart. I know all of it sounds really cheesy but this was genuinely how I was feeling and it literally destroyed me having to go through the confusion of not understanding why he broke up with me. He wouldn't tell me why. He just stopped talking to me after 2 years of telling me he wanted to marry me, he loved me, he wanted to grow old with me. (Keep in mind at this time I was only 17) Few weeks later I'd found out that he'd been cheating on me throughout the relationship and he decided to break up with me for the girl he was cheating on me with.

Little did I know at this time what I was about to go through for the next 4 months, not even directly because of the break up, but simply the mental effects and chain-effect.

I knew I was about to fall into the deepest depression of my life, I could physically feel the pain on my skin (I don't know if that makes sense) for days on end. I don't know why I was so sensitive, please don't judge me. Try to understand that regardless of weather or not you think I was being "emotional" or "sensitive" that is how I genuinely felt. And it felt absolutely horrible.

I'm not here to go on about my break up with my boyfriend. I'm trying to give you some background on why I might be the way I am.

A few days after that, I woke up one morning feeling extremely irritable, emotional, and even angry. I have never been an angry person in my life, always very friendly and extremely relaxed. I'd barely even experienced actual anger before, honestly. I wish I could tell you that feeling left. But ever since I woke up that morning, I still feel like that... 4 months later.

About 3 weeks after that started, the dementia-like symptoms began to happen.

I could no longer remember anything. I was scared to the point I was almost crying.
I had extreme brain fog. It felt like everything was unrealistic and not real. It felt literally as though I was not in my head. I'm getting emotional typing this shit because I still feel the same way and it's frustrating trying to type this out. I have extremely good english and vocabulary skills but I can't even do it anymore.
I felt detached, unrealistic, foggy in the brain, like a zombie.

I lived my life like a zombie. Staring at things, not really understanding what's going on or what I'm doing. I got myself into really bad situations because I didn't know what was going on.

This has never stopped, not even for a second. I wish I could know what it feels like to be normal but everyday I wake up and it's worse and I completely forget what it feels like to be normal. I'm can feel that eventually I'm going to go literally insane and start acting weird. I've already started to act really weird socially and awkward, simply because I just don't know how to react to things or interact with people. I'm usually very social and easy to talk to.

The thing that actually motivated me to make this post because this is getting just too fucking far is ever since last week, I've been getting physically number and number. I've lost my senses, I can't see properly, I can't smell, taste, feel, touch. I feel like everything isn't real and I have not even my senses to reassure me that it's real. I can't just "pinch" myself to remind myself it's reality, because I can barely fucking feel it. I woke up this morning and was horrified by how my senses were working. I literally feel nothing. This is embarrassing, but it's getting to the point I'm almost (Peeing myself) Because I can't feel when I need to go to the toilet. Please be mature, it's a problem haha. I feel like someone/something might hurt me and my body doesn't have the right senses to react to it which could result in me potentially dying.

I don't know what I'm saying, I went into this post thinking I'd explain it so much better but my brain just isn't working properly.

I don't know if I have dementia? Depression? I can't understand. I have symptoms of depression, bipolar, dementia, derealization/depersonalization disorder so does that mean I have all of them? One of them? Two? I can't understand any of this stuff and now it's began to be suicidal because I don't know how to fix it. I'm not a suicidal person and I believe that you should always try to get help, but I just cant understand where to get help when I don't even know whats wrong. I can't even properly explain it because my brain doesn't work.

I'm really sorry if this got a bit emotional or hard to understand, I'm not looking for sympathy. I really just want to know whats wrong so I can live my life like a normal person because I have dropped out of school, work, and lost all my friends because of this.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,934
Location
Teesside
Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:
You so sound as though you have symptoms of depression, i think your first port of call is to see your gp and get some professional help.
Talking helps so definitely joining the forum will help you express how you feel and help get some answers i think .

Keep talking, here to listen,
You are not alone,
hugs
Fox
 
Acadia

Acadia

Well-known member
Joined
May 6, 2016
Messages
343
Location
Ohio, USA
I agree with Foxjo. I think it is very important that you seek help from your doctor and perhaps a counselor or other mental health professional. You could also be dealing with anxiety along with depression, the two often go together.

I know from my experiences with anxiety, the feeling of detachment/de-realization was one of the things that scared me the most. It was one of the major symptoms of my anxiety disorder, and I knew I had to seek help and work through it. I know what you mean when you talk about feeling numb and far away. When I was at my worst, I felt disconnected from who I was and even from my memories, but the professionals I worked with assured me that this can be a symptom of anxiety, and I was so relieved to know that I wasn't the only one who had gone through it.

I would definitely reach out and ask for help. It is often one of the most difficult things to do, but you CAN get your life back. Everyone's journey is different, and you need to work through things. I know it's a hard step to take, I never wanted to talk to a stranger about my problems, but I knew I couldn't go on the way I had been.

And it's good that you know you are dealing with something that can't continue. Please be kind to yourself and don't try to self-diagnose (I know it's hard when you can just type anything into Google). You deserve to get better and move forward, and you can do it. :) So many people here can testify to times they felt things would never get better, myself included. I used to really worry I would never get my life back, but you can. Keep posting on here and reaching out for support. There are so many here who really care and want to help in any way they can.
 
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