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AnxiousSnakeGurl

New member
Joined
Aug 14, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Germany
So, I know I'm not the most active person on this forum, but I don't really want to talk about this with my parents or friends at this time and my boyfriend lives 3 1/2 hours away from me... so here I am.

The first thing that really bothered me today was when I took care of my great grandma this evening. I was there for about 4 hours as usual. Since she's 95 years old and forgets a lot I am used to things like her asking the same question over and over again. However, I feel like it really is starting to get worse. She didn't want to drink her coffee or eat her 6 small(!!) bites of cake at all and I really had to push her to eat two bites. She usually asks me if I just want to go home multiple times, but today it was a lot more than usual. She even asked me to pull up her pants after she went to the toilet, which she was able to do just fine on her own before (and honestly still is). Then the thing that really... Punched me in the gut was when she asked when I would sleep over at her place again. I always did that when I was like 12. But now I'm 19. It broke my heart that I had to say no to her and it made me realize how the age is getting to her. I almost started crying because it reminded me of the old times when she was still healthy and my overall situation was so much better... But I know I can't rewind time. I'm so scared of the day when she will leave us... She basically raised me the first few years of my life and I really love her very dearly. She is in a way like a mother to me and just the thought of her not being there is destroying me. I also feel like I haven't done her justice because the last 2-3 years where I've had to deal with major depression I haven't visited her a lot at all. I mean, the depression is better now, but I still feel like I have very little energy for everything and even if I tell myself that I'll go visit her I know it's not going to happen. It makes me really angry at myself.

And not only that, but my grandpa isnt doing well either. He's been in emergency hospital for two months now because of a heart OP he had to go through. They basically fucked up and now he's constantly in and out of coma. There's rarely any time where he's really actually there. Today when we had dinner, my grandma told that if I wanted to visit him, I had to do that soon. Because it is very likely that he won't be there for long anymore. Then she started discussing the topic of him dying with my mom and I just felt sick. So sick that I almost threw up. I ended up crying and going downstairs into my room because I just had enough of it. I just don't know how to cope with this stuff at the moment... Today was just way too much for me to handle. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking for... I guess anything at all will be fine.
 
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Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
13,480
Location
Nowhere
im so sorry to hear about all that
I have an addict brother that I love dearly
who has become abusive
so I do relate to how we can feel so torn with these things

I think the main thing to work on there
is you looking after your own needs first
decide how much time with your grandparents you can manage
without going under too far down

maybe plan that in advance
and arrange to phone a friend after the visit if you can
or come and post here

I'm talking to myself here as well
I'm actually not good at this self care things
but this is what people always tell me
what I need to be doing

and try to get away to do something nice for yourself
like a trip to a different town or something

:hug5: 💜 🌠
 
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