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There is something wrong with me

Timae7

Timae7

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
When my OCD first started, it centered around harm. I was terrified that I was going insane because I would get these terrifying intrusive thoughts bout killing people. As time went on, questions started popping in my head that I felt like I truely didn't know the answer to. They were still harm related, but instead of a "kill you sister" which would give me an instant whiplash of anxiety, it was more of a "why not?" With little to no anxiety and I would feel confused. In response to this confusion, I would ruminate around the question to try and solve it so I wouldn't have that mindset anymore. I didn't want to be the guy who didn't know why murder was bad, that would be.. well.. bad! It's no wonder why I payed close attention to these questions, I never wanted to hurt a soul. Obviously I've never completely gotten over my harm obsessions, I still struggle with rumination daily. However, these irrational thoughts, this rumination process I go through, doesn't even feel irrational and that bothers me. Aren't people with OCD supposed to know their thoughts are irrational? For me, it's hard to tell. A thought about how death doesn't matter will pop in my head and it makes sense to me so I try to analyze the thought and play it over again to try and prove it wrong, but I get no where. I am currently taking meds and searching for therapy, yet I'm still scared to get help cause my obsessions might make me come off as dangerous. I feel so alone on this too, I haven't been able to find anyone else who has gone through the same mental torture. Bottom line is, I have a huge rumination problem and I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I often doubt that this is OCD, but it's also hard to say it isn't. I have been diagnosed twice and have a past I can reflect on where I see OCD symptoms clear as day. That doesn't keep myself from having doubts though. Has my old fear about loosing my mind become a reality? Cause it sure feels like it.
 
B

BreathingDeeplyNow

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Nov 24, 2021
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12
Location
USA
Those thoughts are serious, but you have enough awareness to recognize them as just thoughts. You don't need to give so much importance to the mind and the thoughts it creates.

Instead, turn your attention to the breath whenever you notice the mind is producing these thoughts. Breathe in deeply, slowly, and with attention. Use the mind's useless thoughts as fuel to practice conscious breathing. It will work miracles in your life.

Best wishes!
 
B

basil and oregano

Well-known member
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Nov 9, 2021
Messages
259
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Athens, Greece
I'm sorry about the struggle you have to go through daily. I've had OCD for about eight years, and I think you should do your best to gather up strength and go to therapy. It's important not to be alone in this fight. These thoughts have to come out, to be spoken, to be discussed.

Wish you the best in dealing with your troubles.
 
Timae7

Timae7

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
Do you guys think this is all OCD?...
 
B

basil and oregano

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
259
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Athens, Greece
Do you guys think this is all OCD?...
I honestly don't know...

Take me, for example: I have a lot of anger within me that I never show. Sometimes it's only my moral feelings that keep me from harming others. But the anger certainly seems to be linked to these invasive thoughts. The only way I've found to get better is by examining them, and accepting them. Accepting does not mean that I'll act upon them without thought.
 
h24

h24

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Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
159
Location
istanbul
Do you guys think this is all OCD?...
It is hard to diagnose someone with OCD, I am not even sure about my own diagnosis. OCD is the doubting disorder, it is not that easy to tell irrational thoughts apart. Trying different exercises and taking meds help.
 
Timae7

Timae7

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
It is hard to diagnose someone with OCD, I am not even sure about my own diagnosis. OCD is the doubting disorder, it is not that easy to tell irrational thoughts apart. Trying different exercises and taking meds help.
You're right, it ain't called the doubting disease for no reason. I'm just gonna try to stop ruminating, cause if it is OCD, that's the compulsion holding me back. I know I've had other confusing questions in the past I would ruminate on, but they no longer bother cause I just stopped trying to figure them out.
 
Timae7

Timae7

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
Maybe this has something to do with my depression? It's definitely not making it any better but I get these breif moments of where I feel like nothing matters and I guess my brain notices that and tries to fix it by ruminating.

I firmly believe that my past with OCD has something to do with this, but I can't say that this is all just OCD in the works, you know? It's complicated...in my head at least.
 
Jrick35

Jrick35

Well-known member
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Aug 3, 2021
Messages
61
Location
Gotham City
Hello. Your entire experience is exactly what I've been going through for months now. It started back in March and mine was so severe that one day I left work and went to the hospital because I was so scared of hurting someone, mainly my loved ones. I would have panic attacks in the middle of night and got worried to be alone with my kids. Over time with meds and therapy, I realized that it wasn't the thoughts that were causing my panic attacks and OCD to flare up, it was my emotional reaction to them. Every time I got an intrusive thought I instantly tried to solve it or convince myself I could never do anything like that. That was a mistake. The more I feed it and gave it the attention it wanted it ruled over me. Not a day went by that I wasn't ruminating or battling myself on if I was capable of doing such terrible things. But here's the good news; like me, you're a compassionate and loving person, that's why the thoughts are haunting us so bad. The reason you've become sort of numb to the thoughts is because over time the mind stores it in the junk part of brain after thinking about it so much. We keep it alive because we want to know so bad why aren't we disgusted by the thoughts anymore. Then we began to question ourselves if its something that we really want? THE ANSWER IS NO, YOU DONT. The feelings, the thoughts, the imagery...its not real, its all an illusion played on our greatest fear. There is no evidence (trust me I check) that intrusive thoughts leads to action. Trust and be gracious to yourself. I don't want to step on any toes but my faith in Jesus Christ plays a big part in my recovery. I cam here to post my experience last night but I came across your post and decided to hope be a blessing to someone dealing with the illness. I hope anything I said has helped and Ill pray one day you wake up and wont have to be burden with the illness anymore. Let the thought come....and then let it go. "This too shall pass..."
 
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