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There is something seriously wrong with me

E

emptyinside0908

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Joined
Nov 23, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
I'm pretty sure I suffer from at least one, but most likely several personality disorders and I cant focus on anything anymore. I feel like I'm about to lose the battle due to the anxiety and depression being so severe. Mind you, I've not been diagnosed with anything yet, and I probably reached out for help way later than I should've. I need some insight as what could be wrong with me. I'm probably suicidal as well, but I have yet to accept it as with the rest of what I'm experiencing.
Some background, I have No idea how to summarize my issues but I'll try my best;

I have been together with the most wonderful woman for about 6 years at this point and recently, for a few months at this point, I've started to have extreme strong thoughts that I'm using her for my own agenda, and these thoughts are killing me. I feel as if I have zero will to live on my own, and now the motivation to go to work and what not is an act I do because of extreme abandoning fear. I can't see myself living on my own, I have zero will to do so. Prior to this point I feel like I have been happy with our life together, but now it feels like I never knew what love ever meant. But if I ever did or could feel love I would want it with my partner, shes been nothing but lovely and prior to these feelings we compansated each other so well and I believe that we some what shaped each other during these years to be a perfect fit.
So what happened during these months you might think, and I'm not really sure but I think it also has to do with my work.
I've never once in my life been able to keep a job that I don't get fulfilled from, I feel that unless I really enjoy my work so much that I would want to do it for free, I can't motivate me to do it for any reason.
This job that I currently have is the one that I've thorougly enjoyed up to maybe half a year ago. I loved what I was doing and felt really good at it too which has been a first timer in my adulthood.
I met a guy that helped me educate in the field I work in now and he really made me feel confident in to what I was doing. He basically held my hand through the entire journey in landing this job as well as the pre-requisites. He helped me book appointments that was required, he helped me understand the theory behind the duty's, he was with me all the way and encoureged me and really made me feel that I was good at something for once that I could make money doing.
I've been working there for about three years at this point but has now lost all the feelings that was the reason that I could maintain this work for so long.
Me and my partner met while I was living at home with my parents and now we've been living together for about 2 years.
I have been saving as much money as I can during this time, I thought I did it to eventually buy a house with my partner but now I feel like I did it because I deep down knew that this time would come when I wouldn't get the required satisfaction that I need to get from working. At this point the money I've saved would go to my partner and family (we don't have kids and are Still young adults) when I die because I don't think I can maintain much longer.
She's offered me the chance to stay at hope and let me figure out what I wanna be doing with my life in terms of work but I can't accept that from her.
When I felt happy with my work me and her have had Good times, we used to function as a normal couple I'd say, and she has Expressed that she has felt Love and understanding from me prior to all this.
I've started getting meds from the doctor, Mirtazapin, which I think has helped a bit with the anxiety part, but I Still feel completely dead inside and every so often get cry outbursts.
I've called My sister and said that I must have some personality disorder.
I've also said to My partner that I'm not too sure I can feel love at all. This happened when I stopped taking the meds for one evening, but even when taking them the anxiety has become to much for me to handle. I have an appointment with a psychologist this week but I fear going to work because I Lost My entire focus and interest in it which has made me a hazard at work, (I do something that requires lots of focus) and Up until now it hasn't been an issue.

Now I feel like the only motivation I have to work is out of fear of ending up alone, because that would be the end of it.
It feels totally unfair to my partner and even though I try to get through the Day it has become so unmanageable at this point.
Why has these feelings become so strong , I can't postphone it anymore, it feels so unfair to my partner whom I would want to be with for the rest of my life if I were to ever recover from this but now it feels as if I never knew love and it spikes my anxiety to an unbearable level.
I feel so extremely selfish and I don't know if I could ever be the same partner to her now that My interest in work has declined.
Everything I do now is out of fear,
during my happy periods we've had a healthy relationship I think but now I'm so dependent on her and even with her I feel completely empty right now.
There must be a strong corrilation that I don't think I ever can find a proffession again that makes me feel the way I had because unless there is someone there to help motivate me the way that the guy I previously mentioned did I don't see it happening.
I can't ask for My partners financial help nor do I want to. The money I've saved I wanna leave for her and My family. Maybe because I feel so guilty it's as if it's the least I can do.
I don't wanna search for another work either cause I'm living on the prayer that I somehow can find the old version off me who was willing to do this for free just a few years back but Im not sure it can happen.
Also the other options I have would be to go back to working at a supermarket which I never can manager for a few months at best.
I feel so guilty, empty, and I don't think there's an end to this.
Can anyone relate? What is wrong with me? Am I a psychopath that can't deal with the feelings of guilt anymore?
I dare not believe this is the case but Im starting to feel that this must be it.

Sorry for the long post and any spelling issues. English is not my Mother tongue and like I Said I completely lack focus which makes it even worse.

I don't even know what I expect in terms of advice, but if I really am a psychopath I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I never felt love at all? I don't know anymore. But if I ever could feel fine again I would wanna spend my time with her. I also never cheated on her because even in my deranged head that is a no-no.

I don't know what to expect from you but what are your thoughts?
 
E

emptyinside0908

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
Would like to hear from anyone who has experience with personality disorders, what do you think of all this?
Don't be fearful to say something.
I would feel better with some insight and knowledge at hand
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Jun 4, 2021
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Hi and welcome,

Sorry I don't have the issues you have, but I do have a personality disorder (aspd) and can tell you, you're Not a psychopath.
I don't even know where would you see that.
Maybe cause you're not feeling love or you are not sure if you ever had?
You said you've started a medication for anxiety, and those kinds of drugs are known to suppress feelings, and not just the anxiety but any other emotion as well, especially the interest in the other sex.
This is one of the most common side effects.
Your problem could be deep depression over your broken relationship and insecurity at work.
Depression and anxiety can lead to suicidal thoughts and apathy aswell, making you feel like there's no hope.
I don't think you have any personality disorder but surely a therapist could help you understand and give you some advice, even regarding your current medication.
In this forum there are many people that can possibly relate to this, so you may find more support.
 
E

emptyinside0908

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
Hi and welcome,

Sorry I don't have the issues you have, but I do have a personality disorder (aspd) and can tell you, you're Not a psychopath.
I don't even know where would you see that.
Maybe cause you're not feeling love or you are not sure if you ever had?
You said you've started a medication for anxiety, and those kinds of drugs are known to suppress feelings, and not just the anxiety but any other emotion as well, especially the interest in the other sex.
This is one of the most common side effects.
Your problem could be deep depression over your broken relationship and insecurity at work.
Depression and anxiety can lead to suicidal thoughts and apathy aswell, making you feel like there's no hope.
I don't think you have any personality disorder but surely a therapist could help you understand and give you some advice, even regarding your current medication.
In this forum there are many people that can possibly relate to this, so you may find more support.
Thank you so much for replying. I guess psycopathy might be out of the question as you said because from what I understand they can't feel any guilt which is very much the opposite of what I'm experiencing.

I just have extreme emotions that I'm using her in order so that I can cope with life, because I can't handle the thought of being alone.
I most likely wouldn't be alive if I was to end up alone. These thoughts are so strong that I forget evem the smallest things and can't focus on anything. After cooking dinner for example I forget to turn off the stove amongst many other thing. I just have this constant tunnel vision and I don't get how long I have to live with this before I should accept all the feelings as a fact. It feels so unfair to her and I see the way my kind of being has affected her; her sleeping has become very disturbed, as have mine I guess.
Once every so often I break down and mention I don't think I can experience love which is probably why she sleeps so poorly amongst other things.

The thing about work is that I can't relate how people can Wake Up and so the same thing all over every Day. As soon as I stop thinking what I do is actually some what fun then I totally completely loose focus at work.
It has happened to me at all the work places I've had, which further increases the anxiety I Guess.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
239
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Thank you so much for replying. I guess psycopathy might be out of the question as you said because from what I understand they can't feel any guilt which is very much the opposite of what I'm experiencing.

I just have extreme emotions that I'm using her in order so that I can cope with life, because I can't handle the thought of being alone.
I most likely wouldn't be alive if I was to end up alone. These thoughts are so strong that I forget evem the smallest things and can't focus on anything. After cooking dinner for example I forget to turn off the stove amongst many other thing. I just have this constant tunnel vision and I don't get how long I have to live with this before I should accept all the feelings as a fact. It feels so unfair to her and I see the way my kind of being has affected her; her sleeping has become very disturbed, as have mine I guess.
Once every so often I break down and mention I don't think I can experience love which is probably why she sleeps so poorly amongst other things.

The thing about work is that I can't relate how people can Wake Up and so the same thing all over every Day. As soon as I stop thinking what I do is actually some what fun then I totally completely loose focus at work.
It has happened to me at all the work places I've had, which further increases the anxiety I Guess.
What you should ask yourself is why you feel so guilty about your ex girlfriend.
Wanting to stay with a person without loving her, just not to be alone, it doesn't automatically makes you a bad person.
Some 'selfishness' is fine, can help you move forward in life, thinking about your sanity first.
Especially if you are now suffering from depression due to the breakup.
But at this point I wonder if this girl might have done something to you to make you feel so guilty about it, so wrong.

You say you're saving money just for her (who is now your ex, since, if I understood correctly, the relationship is over) and for your parents. With all due respect, but this sounds wrong in a way.
I think you should think about yourself and your future first at this point.
Focusing too much on your mind, over analyzing things, can lead to a paranoid situation where you can no longer enjoy anything in your life, not even the simplest things, leaving you stuck in the same loop.
Proof is that when you are distracted and don't think about your guilty feeling anymore,
in those moments you have fun, you feel better, to then fall back again, as soon as you remember.

A question: did this 'lack' of love started before or after the antidepressant?
I reiterate that among the side effects of those drugs, there may be a flattening of emotions. This is protracted and even worsens several months after stopping it.
Maybe you should talk about this to your therapist, or whoever prescribed that to you.
It probably isn't the right medication for you and you might want to take another.
You could also try the 'relationships' or the 'drugs/medications' sections of this forum, where maybe you would find more support in your situation.
 
E

emptyinside0908

Member
Joined
Nov 23, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
What you should ask yourself is why you feel so guilty about your ex girlfriend.
Wanting to stay with a person without loving her, just not to be alone, it doesn't automatically makes you a bad person.
Some 'selfishness' is fine, can help you move forward in life, thinking about your sanity first.
Especially if you are now suffering from depression due to the breakup.
But at this point I wonder if this girl might have done something to you to make you feel so guilty about it, so wrong.

You say you're saving money just for her (who is now your ex, since, if I understood correctly, the relationship is over) and for your parents. With all due respect, but this sounds wrong in a way.
I think you should think about yourself and your future first at this point.
Focusing too much on your mind, over analyzing things, can lead to a paranoid situation where you can no longer enjoy anything in your life, not even the simplest things, leaving you stuck in the same loop.
Proof is that when you are distracted and don't think about your guilty feeling anymore,
in those moments you have fun, you feel better, to then fall back again, as soon as you remember.

A question: did this 'lack' of love started before or after the antidepressant?
I reiterate that among the side effects of those drugs, there may be a flattening of emotions. This is protracted and even worsens several months after stopping it.
Maybe you should talk about this to your therapist, or whoever prescribed that to you.
It probably isn't the right medication for you and you might want to take another.
You could also try the 'relationships' or the 'drugs/medications' sections of this forum, where maybe you would find more support in your situation.
Thanks once again for replying. We are still together and she keeps on staying with me still and I want to believe that if I can feel love I would want it to be with her.
We rarely fight at all at this point in our relationship and even if I feel more secure than ever in her, I'm starting to have doubt about my own motives.
She's been nothing but supportive this whole time and she hasn't done anything to hurt me at all, more than perhaps helping me way too much with things I should be able to deal with on my own. I had a some what troubled child hood but so did she so I'll spare you the drama, and I often think about why did she turn out fine while I'm such an emotional train wreck.
These emotions started coming back after I cancelled an education route I was on and went back to my old work place again. It was as if it confirmed to me that unless I have someone closely monetering me and motivate me, I can't progress with anything due to fear of failure and what not.
I've started battling these emotions by proving myself otherwise by doing stuff I normally wouldn't do, ie getting some exercise even if it's just at home with a yoga mat.

Thats why I fear what really is My motive for being together. Has it always just been fear of being alone and sexual attraction or have I ever been able to feel love?
These feelings have become so strong now that I can't maintain focus on things at all.
When I have My "Good" periods I feel that nothing can get to me at all, and during these times My partner mentions that she has felt love coming from me. But shouldnt a person who can feel love still so so when they themselves are feeling like shit? Like maybe come home and lay ones own problem aside and just focus on the other being? Because I can't seem to do that now.
The reason I wanna leave her and My family the money is because I feel so incredibly guilty of having these thoughts. I can barely go through a day anymore because they take over my mental health and I don't even know why I get out of bed now a days. I feel like the money I could leave behind would be the least I can do if there's much truth in these thoughts.
I originally thought I reached out for help because of My work weighing me down, but I fear there's more to it.

And whenever I mention to her that this is the way I feel now and she starts crying it kills me even more because she deserves so much better I think.
The guilt is unbearable but so is the thought that I've only been together with her for My own egocentrical motives.

When we started dating I was living at home with my parents without any major mental health issues and thought I was with her for all the right reasons, we both had (not me anymore) our separate hobbies and could co exist fine without craving to much attention of each other, which was great for me at the time since I was a musician during my free time and also a gamer. She also plays video games which was another thing I used to Love with our relationship cause we would often play games together. Now I don't play games or practice music at all ever since I cancelled the education. I wish I could pick it Up again just to see if I could get any Joy out of anything but it's complicated as I would need to find a new studio to rig up all My stuff.
Now My days are only spent in an anxious state, working cause I might as well ride that train as long as I can maintain it and trying to figure out if I ever could go back to who I was, because if I can't, well then I don't know what I'll do.
So much guilt, shame and feelings of emptiness. I'm a hazard at work I'd say but I refuse to let My partner be of financial support for me just staying at home figuring out what I am. She's already done way to much for me and I couldnt handle any more shame than I already feel at this point.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Messages
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There's nothing to be ashamed of being depressed and anxious.
It can happen in situations of uncertainty, and in your case motivated by the fear of being alone.
My advice is to try to separate from each other for a while.
Going back living with your own spaces, your own times, your separated friends, routine, etc ... sometimes it can be useful to rediscover hobbies you used to like and take a sort of 'detox' from each other as well as from everything attached to it.
It's not the rule, but it can help to clear your head, in order to understand what to do next.
It's very likely that once you get used to living alone again, you realize that it's not so tragic and the end of your life.

Or more simply you no longer have an interest in your girlfriend, turning it into a friendship without necessarily a feeling of love.
But, because of the depression, you think that this is an issue you have, something wrong with you.
The loss of love that brings people together, exists, and it's not a fault.
Sometimes it happens that people are afraid to separate, simply because living alone is an unknown, it brings many changes.
But you should talk to the therapist about this.
 
E

emptyinside0908

Member
Joined
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Messages
6
Location
USA
Thanks. I Guess that would be the end goal but that doesnt feel safe in the state of mind im in right now. I'm at the therapist now and Will see what they have to say
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
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Thanks. I Guess that would be the end goal but that doesnt feel safe in the state of mind im in right now. I'm at the therapist now and Will see what they have to say
You're welcome
Good luck
 
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