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Therapy

Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
For those who are in therapy how do you talk to someone about all that is going on in your life? I have such a hard time talking to my therapist. He is a nice guy but I just can't talk to him...I don't know if I need a different therapist or what but I just have a hard time talking with him. :(

It is so engrained into my head from when I was a child to not say anything because if you do you get yelled at...even though no one yells at me now. I just can't talk if it is a serious conversation. I also have a hard time making decisions because of this.:BLAH:
 
pepecat

pepecat

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 19, 2010
Messages
13,914
Location
middle earth
Hi

The second paragraph in your post kinda explains why you can't talk to people...... it sounds like because of your past experiences with people and being yelled at if you talked about stuff, that you're scared of the therapist doing the same thing and yelling at you - or if not yelling at you then being annoyed or judgemental in some way.
Would that sound about right?

Do you get on ok with the therapist? You said he's a nice guy - if it was easier to talk to him, can you see the therapy relationship working and being one that could help you? Or is there some personality clash / mismatch there?
And (last question, sorry :)) what sort of therapy is it? i.e, is it long term stuff or something shorter - only a few sessions?

Sometimes it can take a while to build up enough trust to start opening up to a therapist. I had long term therapy, and it took me about a year to trust my therapist enough to start opening up properly to her. Due to my past experiences, was scared she was going to criticise, or judge, or tell me I was being stupid..... and it took a year of her being consistent and non-judgemental / critical etc before I was able to 'learn' that she wasn't like other people and I could open up.
It kinda sounds like you need the experience of your therapist not yelling at you (or at least not reacting like other people did) to 'learn' that you can trust him and open up more.
Maybe if you can't talk to him about stuff, you could tell him that you're finding it hard to talk because when you did in the past people yelled at you?

Can you chat to him about 'normal' stuff? I mean, if he said to you 'what did you have for dinner last night?' could you answer that ok?
 
Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
Hi

The second paragraph in your post kinda explains why you can't talk to people...... it sounds like because of your past experiences with people and being yelled at if you talked about stuff, that you're scared of the therapist doing the same thing and yelling at you - or if not yelling at you then being annoyed or judgemental in some way.
Would that sound about right?

Do you get on ok with the therapist? You said he's a nice guy - if it was easier to talk to him, can you see the therapy relationship working and being one that could help you? Or is there some personality clash / mismatch there?
And (last question, sorry :)) what sort of therapy is it? i.e, is it long term stuff or something shorter - only a few sessions?

Sometimes it can take a while to build up enough trust to start opening up to a therapist. I had long term therapy, and it took me about a year to trust my therapist enough to start opening up properly to her. Due to my past experiences, was scared she was going to criticise, or judge, or tell me I was being stupid..... and it took a year of her being consistent and non-judgemental / critical etc before I was able to 'learn' that she wasn't like other people and I could open up.
It kinda sounds like you need the experience of your therapist not yelling at you (or at least not reacting like other people did) to 'learn' that you can trust him and open up more.
Maybe if you can't talk to him about stuff, you could tell him that you're finding it hard to talk because when you did in the past people yelled at you?

Can you chat to him about 'normal' stuff? I mean, if he said to you 'what did you have for dinner last night?' could you answer that ok?
Yes you got that right I was always afraid of being yelled at by someone when I would talk about things. So I just learned not to talk.

No we get along fine. Like I said he seems like a nice guy. Yes, I can talk to him about everyday things like what I had for dinner or about what has been going on in my life just not that deep personal stuff.
 
pepecat

pepecat

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 19, 2010
Messages
13,914
Location
middle earth
Yes you got that right I was always afraid of being yelled at by someone when I would talk about things. So I just learned not to talk.
That's the hard bit isn't it - 'un'learning that people are going to yell at you when you talk, and learning that your therapist won't do that do you. These things do take time - have you been seeing the therapist long? If it's only been a few weeks it might be that you don't quite trust him yet.
I'm guessing he's not ever yelled at you? So you've got the experience of 'not being yelled at' to build on - but it's hard when your brain is going 'yeah but what if he does?' all the time.......

No we get along fine. Like I said he seems like a nice guy. Yes, I can talk to him about everyday things like what I had for dinner or about what has been going on in my life just not that deep personal stuff.
Well that's good - it's not a personality clash then, or that you haven't 'clicked' with him - that can happen sometimes with therapists.
Could you write stuff down, do you think, and take it with you to therapy? Write down what you want to say and take it. I did that a couple of times with my therapist and she never minded. I had stuff I wanted to say but couldn't say it out loud, so i wrote it. She read it out in the session, which was a bit embarassing, but it was better than me stumbling through it and then being frustrated that I hadn't said all i wanted to.
Or you could say to him that you're finding it difficult to talk because you're scared of being yelled at, and see if he can help you with that.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
I think if you tell him you're scared of being yelled at and you would like to just start my not talking about anything too deep and personal it will help him understand you better and how you need to be treated.

I went through 3 lots of therapy, and by the last one I literally spelled out what I wanted and needed and it just clarified things.

It may be hard for you to ask for what you need...I expect so, but Pepecat talks sense and what she's suggesting may well be right for you. There are loads of people who can't talk in therapy. What you're experiencing is very common....so don't worry....but tell him why if you can.

x
 
Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
That's the hard bit isn't it - 'un'learning that people are going to yell at you when you talk, and learning that your therapist won't do that do you. These things do take time - have you been seeing the therapist long? If it's only been a few weeks it might be that you don't quite trust him yet.
I'm guessing he's not ever yelled at you? So you've got the experience of 'not being yelled at' to build on - but it's hard when your brain is going 'yeah but what if he does?' all the time.......


Well that's good - it's not a personality clash then, or that you haven't 'clicked' with him - that can happen sometimes with therapists.
Could you write stuff down, do you think, and take it with you to therapy? Write down what you want to say and take it. I did that a couple of times with my therapist and she never minded. I had stuff I wanted to say but couldn't say it out loud, so i wrote it. She read it out in the session, which was a bit embarassing, but it was better than me stumbling through it and then being frustrated that I hadn't said all i wanted to.
Or you could say to him that you're finding it difficult to talk because you're scared of being yelled at, and see if he can help you with that.
I have told myself I am going to make a conscience effort to be more productive in therapy...so I am going to try what you suggest and tell him the reason I am so bad at talking is because of getting yelled at for anything I said. And I will try writing things down...yes, I can see where that would very embarrassing to have read out.
 
Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
I think if you tell him you're scared of being yelled at and you would like to just start my not talking about anything too deep and personal it will help him understand you better and how you need to be treated.

I went through 3 lots of therapy, and by the last one I literally spelled out what I wanted and needed and it just clarified things.

It may be hard for you to ask for what you need...I expect so, but Pepecat talks sense and what she's suggesting may well be right for you. There are loads of people who can't talk in therapy. What you're experiencing is very common....so don't worry....but tell him why if you can.

x
Yes, it is very hard for me to ask for what I want...I really try but the words just get stuck in my mouth.

The other thing that I have a hard time with is that I am afraid of saying the wrong thing (that comes from getting yelled at) and I am also terribly afraid of hurting someone with what I say.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
You sound very kind and sensitive and as if you have been yelled at far too much!

This is your turn now - in therapy - to gain that confidence in a safe place and to start asking for what you want and need. It will take time to feel comfortable with that...but gradually you will learn to do it.

What is very clear to me is that you are a very lovely person who thinks about others before herself. Try to think of therapy as a way to realise that you very much matter too!

x
 
Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
You sound very kind and sensitive and as if you have been yelled at far too much!

This is your turn now - in therapy - to gain that confidence in a safe place and to start asking for what you want and need. It will take time to feel comfortable with that...but gradually you will learn to do it.

What is very clear to me is that you are a very lovely person who thinks about others before herself. Try to think of therapy as a way to realise that you very much matter too!

x
Thank you hon! It means a lot of hear that. I am going to try really hard to do better in therapy. :)

Thank you for your support.
 
Lucid Dreamer

Lucid Dreamer

Active member
Joined
Jan 18, 2015
Messages
26
Location
Tigard, Oregon
I talked to my therapist today on the phone and told him the reasons I don't like talking...and he was very understanding and is going to work with me on it. He also said to write it down (whatever it is that I want to talk about) and we will go over it in the session.

I guess that is a step in the right direction. :)
 
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