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Therapy limbo

  • Thread starter River of Circle
  • Start date
River of Circle

River of Circle

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I started seeing a therapist again in October 2019 for C-PTSD issues (childhood physical and sexual abuse, as well as others). I saw her weekly until mid-March 2020 when COVID stomped all our worlds. I had a few tele-med sessions with her via Zoom into early April and then I just stopped scheduling sessions. The Zoom thing just wasn't working for me.

In August, I went to see my psych-meds person for a check-in at the same clinic and she mentioned that my therapist was doing in-office appointments on Tuesdays now. So I scheduled an appointment for like a week away, but then I ended up cancelling it a few days before the appointed date. A lot has happened since I stopped sessions back in April that I feel like I need to talk through. But at times I feel like I've regressed back to October 2019 again, and am afraid she's going to feel like I'm stupid because I don't "get it", i.e., therapy, and that I'm just broken and unfixable. So, I'm stuck being broken again.

After my check-in with my psych-meds person in August, she upped my anti-depressant by 33%. But a week later (Sept 1), I stopped taking them cold-turkey because of a triggering episode that I had that day. I'm supposed to have a check-in with her again at the end of October and I worry about what state of mind I'll be in then, and what she'll say when she finds I went off meds completely right after our last visit.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess because I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about it in my sphere of people. I haven't told my wife, but then again there's a multitude of things in my head that I don't tell her.

I feel like I'm abandoning the work I've done since October 2019, as well as the medication that supposedly was "fixing" my brain. Somehow, I've convinced myself that I can do this on my own, and if not, well, that's fate.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

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I think you are being very hard on yourself. You have had a set back but that does not mean all the work you put in has been for nothing. You may have experienced subtle changes you are not aware of because of your low mood. Your therapist will not judge you. You are brave to return to therapy and your therapist will think so too. Therapy is painful and it is understandable to avoid it but it really is the only way forward.

Please be honest with your doctor about stopping your medication. I am so sorry you were triggered and felt you had to stop taking it. Would you consider restarting the medication? It may help your mood and give you more motivation to try therapy again.
 
River of Circle

River of Circle

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Thanks for the reply, bpd2020. My head is confused right now, I'm struggling with trying to figure out what I want to do, and then I second guess my thoughts because I know my thinking is unclear. It's like a catch-22, if I make decisions, then my head questions whether I'm making right decisions.
 
D

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I wonder if that is due to you not trusting your own opinion? If you keep second guessing then that could explain it.
 
River of Circle

River of Circle

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Joined
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Messages
44
Location
USA
I wonder if that is due to you not trusting your own opinion? If you keep second guessing then that could explain it.
I'm pretty sure you're correct. My father belittled my opinions and abilities often (I think that probably needs to be a whole other thread - I need to put some thought into that).
 
D

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Zoom is garbage. I was in an outpatient program just before it got shutdown from physical sessions to zoom. Not going to spend half a day on zoom. I ended my program early and see my psychiatrist on zoom every 3 months to refill my meds.
 
D

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I'm pretty sure you're correct. My father belittled my opinions and abilities often (I think that probably needs to be a whole other thread - I need to put some thought into that).
With having your feelings belittled your whole life you will struggle to trust your opinions. I can relate to that.
 
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