Hey Stubble, welcome, I'm new here myself, but here are a few thoughts on being manic:
I was hypomanic from February til April. After 6 months of depression, I had no idea what was happening (I got diagnosed bipolar towards the end of the hypomanic episode). I thought I was getting better and coming alive again. It was brilliant and I was full of confidence and inspiration- I could cook anything, run long distances, understand languages I'd studied, and I am a musician so I was playing the best I ever had. My social anxiety disappeared and I could talk to anyone. I developed all kinds of interests and made lots of friends and was on top of the world but...
I drank way too much, hardly slept, and betrayed my marriage after 9 faithful years together. I was incredibly self-centered and hurt everyone close to me. I had huge amounts of energy but couldn't focus it long enough to create anything of lasting value. It's almost like when you're drunk and think you're all that, but actually you're just drunk you'll be embarrassed in the morning. I also told all kinds of people secrets that I normally wouldn't share with anyone and now must live with the consequences. And throw in a few visual and auditory hallucinations which scared the hell out of me.
That's mania for me so far. And yet there are many days where I would give anything to be manic rather than fighting the depressive state I've been in for yet another 6 months, far worse than the first time cause now I have all these thoughts of suicide and self harm which I have been successful in rejecting so far but they terrify me...
I suppose there are some aspects of mania that are achievable without actually being manic- energy, inspiration, spontaneity and a strong belief in yourself and your abilities are all wonderful things. They can be so damn hard to get to though... I've been working a lot with my yoga practice and meditation and it's helped kindle a light again.
So yeah I 'crave the highs' too... but I don't really fancy the fall that inevitably follows.
Why sleep deprivation? I like my sleep way too much for that... for me it was a symptom of mania not a cause.
to the forum, I hope can get something positive
