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The situation is no better...

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Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
I miss my ex. I don't even know why and as I type it and I see the words in black and white on the screen I realise just how utterly ridiculous it is. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and he also, though I know this will sound strange, had this way of looking at me that seemed to be full of a mixture of contempt and pity towards me. It took every ounce of strength I had to leave him. I was afraid that even though I knew the relationship was destructive and making me ill, that loneliness would be worse.

I left him in August and since then I have returned to him and allowed him to use me and humiliate me time and time again. Though it fills me with shame I've returned to him knowing that he just wants sex from me in order to boost his ego, and I would cry all the way through it and afterwards he'd treat me like a whore but I still allowed him to do it. I felt that maybe he could make me better. I felt that he was largely responsible for my depression and suicidal tendencies for such a long time that he was the only person who could heal me of this. I thought in time he'd eventually start seeing me as a person again.

I've found it impossible to move on from him. I became so obsessed with the whole thing that I'd reward myself with some chocolate or a glass of wine at the end of the day if I managed not to contact him... He IM'd me just before Christmas and we arranged to meet up. This was in the guise of being friends but I knew stupidly that he wanted something else. I gave it to him. Again. Afterwards I didn't even feel dirty. Just empty.

On New Year's Day I'm sorry to say I phoned him. We chatted and seemed to be returning to the old ways of the beginning of our relationship but then he turned nasty. Telling me that all he'd heard from his friends since we split up was how I was a 'f*cking nutter' and a 'mentalist in need of help.' He then went on to tell me that many of his friends had thought I 'smell'. I was deeply upset and embarrassed by this and surprised myself by bursting into tears. Upon realising I was upset he burst out laughing and asked me why I couldn't take a joke. He claimed he'd made all of this up to get a rise out of me. Astounded, I asked him why he wanted to cause me pain. He didn't answer, just put the phone down on me instead. I phoned a couple of close and trusted friends who informed me that I smell of coconut shampoo and raspberry shower gel and nothing 'untoward'.

This time I've been trying really hard (and have resolved to try even harder not to make the same mistakes in 2009 that I made in 2008). I sign into my email account on Sunday and get several messages from a social networking site that we were both members of. It tells me that he has viewed my profile no less than 8 times in one day. I also get a message (a generated thing from him clicking certain buttons on my profile page) "x is interested in you and wants you to know!" I've ignored this. I can't stop checking though to see if he'll do this again. I'm ashamed to say that I want to hear from him but I don't know why.

Thanks for reading.
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KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Definately used and abused. You are worth far more than this nasty piece of work don't let him carry on doing this to you.
Have you been to see a GP about how you feel it might help?
In the meantime talk to us on the forum and don't expose yourself to further abuse.
Take care.
KP
 
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saffron

Guest
Hun you have been so strong in leaving him, that is so brave. it is hard to let go of attention even if it bad attention. He sounds like the one who is insane and does not deserve you at all, and he will always be the one who is the lonely one.
Yoiu deserve so much better than this, always telll yourself that, it is better being alone for a while, (and it is only been a short while) that to be in that soul destroying situation.
I bet he could not beleive it that you broke with him. That is why he is now being incredibly a wanker which includes bringing in so called mates, it is to make himeself feel better by making you feel worthless and unwanted. But when you contact him he still wants you, what suddenly triggers his venom.
You have to be brave and determined not to let this idiot back in your life again as he obviouisly has no respect for anyone. that is certainly not your fault it is his immaturity.

You will find someone that respects you the way you deserve , Meanwhile be proud of what you have done to get yourself out of this situation and be strong to beleive in yourself. ok

I know you miss him but it doesnt sound like he is going to grow up in the near future so time will heal for you as long as you let go for definate, no going back, no wishing he would be different or treat you better (he is not capable at the moment)

thinking of you

big hugs
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D

Dollit

Guest
In my carefully considered opinion you're well rid of the childish bastard.

Block him on your social networking site - delete all traces of him from your life. Logging on to your profile that many times in a day is obsessive, you don't need that.

You deserve better treatment than you've had. The fact that a part of you still hankers after some contact is typical of people in abusive relationships and for some people, long after they move away from the relationship, they want to go back. Time has a habit of removing the worst from your memory and a time when you need to remember it the most.

And do you really think that you're worth so little as to have a relationship with a man who continues to have sex with you even though you're visibly distressed?
 
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Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
I've spoken a little bit to my GP about this when I went in to renew my Sertraline prescription. He describes this as 'self destructive behaviour' and says it's all part of my depression. As in, I feel I deserve to be treated badly so therefore I seek out the source that I know I can rely on to do this. I'm not even sure it's this though. It's like even when I realised that he was being abusive towards me I still stuck around because at least I was getting attention from him.

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Dollit

Guest
That's just it though - being in an abusive relationship means that you do crave attention but you're led to believe that you don't deserve any better. My last relationship was 13 years and he was violent once and I told him he'd never see me again if he tried that ever again. He then decided he liked "big" women and played on my insecurities and chaotic behaviour around food and when I got upset about my weight he'd buy me several bars of chocolate, chastising me when I ate them and got bigger. It took me a long time to spot that he was abusing me.

I walked away from him 2 years ago and I wanted to go back to him a lot in the first year, not because I loved him but because I knew he'd take me back. I'm glad I held out because I found R again, my mate S tells me I'm the sexiest 50 year old on legs and I wouldn't miss out on that sort of compliment for the world.

Keep strong, you're worth much better and you will meet someone worthy of you.
 
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Seethergrrl

Active member
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
35
Location
North West - England
Thank you so much for the understanding words, I can't explain what it means to simply be reassured that I'm not quite the 'f*cking nutter' or 'mentalist' that I've been made out to be.
Dollit - your comments about preying on insecurities struck a chord with me. He knew that it was important for me to get on well with his friends which I suppose is why he chose to tell me of the comments they'd made (allegedly, I suppose). Similarly, my bathroom contains so many products that it resembles a small branch of Boots! I suppose this is what inspired the 'smell' comments.
Who knows? Maybe one day someone will refer to me as 'the sexiest almost-30-year old on legs'...
The kind words are very much appreciated.
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M

ManFea

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2009
Messages
8
Location
West Midlands
Hi

Can I just apologise for my sex - and the lenght of this post - i got carried away.

I'm sorry to say that I've heard things like this from a few female friends over the years and i have to say it reflects badly on every guy out there. And i would just like to say i'm sorry this happened to you.

But we are not all the same for example i have a father, brother in law and an Uncle (by marriage) that are all wonderful people. However i also know, from my own experience, you do come across people who will take advantage of you due to a problem that they have.

I have also been in relationships where the objective of the other person was to build them selves up by breaking me down. If you have a problem with your own self esteem then you will be vulnerable to this. At times like this what i do is have a little conversation with myself and as if this was happening to a friend and not me what advise would i give. And i think that might help you. read through your story and think what advice would you give to someone who told you that?

And i know that i have just done the classic male thing. I have read something and attempted to offered a solution. But dont think that i'm thinking I a man and i know best because i dont i just know that i managed to get myself out of similar substations with women by just thinking What would i say if my friend told me this?

But just between you me and anyone else reading this forum - the guy an abusive idiot ('mentalist' does not mean what he thinks it does - a mentalist is defined as "Originally a mentalist was an adherent or advocate of a mentalistic school of psychology or psychiatry. Someone who believes that some mental phenomena cannot be explained by physical laws (i.e. telepathy and mind reading).

The term "mentalist" also refers to "psychic" entertainers whose illusions feature the apparent ability to read minds, foretell the future, and see distant and hidden objects. This branch of magic is referred to as "mentalism". ")


and yes i know it has been used as a term for "One who is mental" but look at where it was used - I'm alan Partrage and the office - Where it was used as a device to show the lack of intelligence of character saying it - So the joke is on the person who uses this term. They are just displaying the fact they dont get it.


Any way i hope you follow the good advice in the previous posts and cut this person off from your life. He comes across, to me, as a bully that never learnt that hurting people was wrong and now one needs that in their lives.


All the Best
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Well done, keep it up!

Well done for leaving him, you will make it final this year I am sure. We can get addicted to a relationship, and miss it, even if it was abusive; which yours certainly seemed to be.

We also get a bit immune to abuse, so it spirals. They get more abusive as we respond less to the usual jibes. Hence his idiotic comment about some smell. Really, with manners like that..... it doesnt bear thinking about!

As you say, he knows that you are very particular about personal hygeine (hence your well stocked bathroom) and he dredged the barrel to find one thing that would really undermine you.

And thats what they do - these killers of peoples spirits - they undermine and demean you until there is virtually nothing left. I know, I was married to one a long time ago now, but not long enough.

His favourite game was to come home for lunch and make me cry, everyday. I then had to try and go back downstairs (I lived above my business) and deal with my staff and customers with red eyes and a very sad heart. Divorcing him was one of the best things I ever did.

But, when you have low self esteem you will seek out those who confirm it. I still do it. I have to watch myself. I have ditched about five friends / lovers in the last two years who I realised were bad for me, and using me. For sex too, yes.

Women often trade sex for affection and thats bad enough. But sex for emotional sadism? Hmmmm, I can think of better ideas. Not that I havnt done it. But I have had to take myself in hand about it.

I know you have talked to your GP, but what about some other ideas?
Like for example, I just found a ten week adult ed class at my local uni on improving Self Esteem, and its quite good, a bit challenging, but it needs to be.

Its good to reward yourself when you dont contact him! I finished an abusive relationship in October and I miss him so much. But I have steadfastly not contacted him, its bloody hard sometimes.

I try to view it as giving up an unhealthy addiction. I get withdrawal pain, but it passes. If I go and have another "hit" it will just re-enforce the addiction. I was very cold and businesslike when he came to collect his things.

One good excercise to do when you get the urge to contact him, is to sit and make a list of all the ways he made / makes you feel bad. I find this really good and its really keeps me on the right track.

Another list can be : all the things you realy do not miss about him.

Loneliness.
Yes, its really hard. I am really terrible at it.
But I came to realise that by filling my life with shitty people, I was putting off the decent people who did want to be my friends.

Its taken about a year to turn it around.

Which really, when you think about it, is a year of very positive investment in the future.

I really hope this helps,

cloudberry - Samantha
 
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saffron

Guest
you are so right samantha.

quote: As you say, he knows that you are very particular about personal hygeine (hence your well stocked bathroom) and he dredged the barrel to find one thing that would really undermine you.

thats so true, people like that find weaknesses and play on them, for some insane reason that is supposed to make them feel better, because he can not come to terms or admit his own problems, because that would make him feel less of a man. so he puts you down to make you feel inferior. and also that way you become vulnerable and hence open to abuse.

dont punish yourself for being rave and standing up for yourself, it will be killing him to think you have the upper hand because you made the final decision without him and stuck to it. But I bet he also has a new respect for you.

keep smiling
take care
S
 
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