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The situation I'm in is killing me

MagicJay

MagicJay

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Hi all well where to start I was diagnosed with cyclothymia 4 years ago after 4 years of been messed about by different psychiatrist now I finally have one that is higher up in my hospital. This new Psychiatrist is better up to yet but has also now diagnosed me with BPD going be having DBT for this and I have got to go see a specialist for aspergers symptoms.

That out way here my situation, been with my girlfriend/whatever we are now for over 2 years now at the time I met her I was in pretty place using wrong stuff to cope with my problems she is the reason I got clean I fell in love with her after a few weeks of meeting her, I can't explain how extreme/intense my love is for her well about 6 months in we start arguing over what I think is nothing, we would be on and off all the time till we get to the last 6 month she been very depressed and I know the cause of it all is her insecurity's, she is on tablets for depression but I'm 90% she has BPD too she finishing me all the time just so I will fight for her "she needs too feel wanted and loved" has she puts it but I'm giving her all my love and it feels like its not enough we always argue over the same stuff we have been for the last year or so.

So after her many finishing me then phoning me days later breaking down on the phone begging me to not leave her, we carry on cycle happens again. But this final time she said I need to go because she is no good for me she can't be with anyone, she deleted all contact with me to stop her messing me about which to be honest has been hell but I love her, I've got put my all my stuff up from hers tomorrow she arranged not to be in so she doesn't start again. I tried not texting her all week but ended up doing yesterday so she is ignoring me.

I have a chance to walk away but I love her so much I don't want to but my emotions are all the place one moment I think stuff it just going get my stuff and get but then I know how much I love her I can't do it I'm stuck in the middle I can't walk away and if I give living how we are I will end up dead.

any advice :( glad to get it all out but running out of time now to get my stuff
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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I have 6 hours before I have pick my stuff really anxious and stressed now everything is a mess I hate my self why can't I just have no problems :(
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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sounds like you are both stuck in a cycle and if you return it will just happen over and over again unless you both do something different.

have you thought of taking a break from each other without ending things permanently, to give you both some space? Or going to couples counselling? You don't have to go together, they see people separately as well.
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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Thanks for replying, yeah a very nightmare of a cycle i know probably it best I didnt stay but it's so hard Cus how strong my emotions are :( everytime we try take a break she ends up contacting me crying because she sees that has I don't care about or want her because if I did I wouldn't able stay away feels like what ever I do is wrong, if I went counciling it would be on my own she very very defensive about how she is the only reason she went doctors for her depression is cus I kept on at her but soon I mention anything else she goes very nasty and just says she doesn't have any problems like me it's justvwho she is and if I don't like it then I should do one.

My mind is such a mess emotions all Over the place :'(
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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So I've got a hour before I pick my stuff up starting to think like I normally do that we can get past this we can make it work things will are going to be different
 
Toasted Crumpet

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I hope it went ok

I am not sure what you can do if your partner is insisting the problem is only you

You could maybe go to Co-dependents Anonymous?

Or counselling on your own just so you can get some perspective on it.

Otherwise, this same pattern is going to keep repeating itself ad infinitum. If she won't do anything to break it, maybe it is for you to decide to take some steps, get outside help. Or....?
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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So how did it go, well when I first got then things were weird she said in the past week she has being trying get on with her life she looked really good to be honest which just confirms I was the one making her wors, I explain I think we should give it a go still we were getting on actually felt like we were okay, I though we have a chance but then 4 hours later everything went wrong she started an argument about how I do want her and don't fight for her and tomorrow is valetine day and every special day we have together is ruin she wanted this one be special but now i ruined it she been crying and screaming the pain hurts for the last 5 hours so Ive packed my stuff and come home which is 3:41AM so what an nightmare of a night I guess
 
Toasted Crumpet

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This just sounds like a nightmare to me. I don't see how it is you making her worse and I have no idea what she means about you having to fight for her. This is not the middle ages. She does sound very insecure but unless you are out having affairs I don't think this is to do with you but to do with her issues.

You can't change her you can only change yourself, that might then have an impact on the relationship as she will react to you differently, but if she is not going to take any responsibility for what happens - there are two people involved in the relationship - then I can't see how things will improve?

I hope you will have some space now to clear your head and get some peace. Sorry it's Valentine's day, that just increases the pressure doesn't it. Hope you are ok.
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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It's one big massive giant nightmare, she ended up phoning me at 7am this morning waking me up crying on the phone saying she didn't want me to leave and she needed me go there right now me been half a sleep and tired it effects my mood really bad started getting angry told her I wasn't going because I needed sleep and put the phone down, I woke up to have a text off her mum saying could I ring her please I rang her mum after me putting the phone down she rang her mum and her mum went her house to her she broke down on her, her mum wants to me go see her because she really needs me and I have should have a talk with her, but I know it probably going end the exact same :'( I really can't cope.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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You know what I think you are going to have to put some boundaries in place, seriously it cannot go on like this! It doesn't sound like any amount of reassurance is going to help.

I know she probably doesn't have complete control of her behaviour atm, but carrying on this way is not acceptable! She is also unintentionally perhaps, trying to manipulate you IMO, having you at her beck and call. And getting her mum involved as well!!

Can you turn your phone off. Or say to her, you will speak to her at such and such time and not before, and set an appointment for the call and a limit on how long it will be and so on. Otherwise it is going to go on and on.

But tbh it sounds like you prob need a total break for a while. I don't know how she will react to your saying that though. The problem is if she keeps pushing like that you are more likely to tell her to get lost because you will be so stressed out, I think. So it is in her interests as well to give you some space. Whether she is capable of that is something else, you might have to be really firm about it, do you think you can do that?
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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Thank you, you speak a lot of sense not matter how much I try to reassure her it's not stopping and I think it always going to be like that till she gets help. You are totally right about me becoming stressed out that's how I feel now but more she notices that more she convinces her self I don't want her.

It has really made me for awkward now her mum is involved I'm not very good with dealing with people. Now feels like it is more pressure on me.

She sent me a text earlier saying she is at home till 5 then she going her parents house because she doesn't want spend valentines day alone and I need to have a good think about what I actually want if I want her then I need to go see her before 5 if I don't then never contact her again and she will take it we are over for good.

She hasn't text me since my mind is so messed up my emotions are all over the place, my mind is telling to walk away now but my extreme love is creeping in again changing my mind then I start to feeling guilty if I leave her thinking I'm the one in the wrong for not standing by the woman I love. it hurts so much :cry2:
 
Toasted Crumpet

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She is emotionally blackmailing you imo, which isn't fair. And if you give in she will know it works and keep doing it.

But only you know how you feel and what you want to do.
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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I think I need to stay away and just see what the future holds, at some point if we are more stable and better in the future and still have feelings for each then maybe see what happens then.

Hard part is sticking to my decision when my emotions and problems come into play it's very very hard battle.
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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Trying be strong and not contact her but my emotions are really bad at the moment, I'm feel so guilty and thinking about all the stuff.
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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So she message me saying she misses me I message her back saying i miss you too then she said she had a question was I ever going go see her :s.
 
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