The scenes in South Korea don't bring me ANY joy.

frisas45

frisas45

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#1
A little background first:

I'm an American who lives in South Korea due to high medical costs back in US. Medical costs are cheaper in South Korea I live from paycheck to paycheck from my father.

I can't move out because I can't get a job because I'm an undergraduate. It's hard to make ends meet in US, and the job market are competitive in Korea.

I suffer from bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. I get occasional bursts of anger and panic attacks. Thankfully, with the right treatment, my anger is reduced but I am still paralyzed in fear.

And now, this:

Seoul, South Korea. Plenty of places to travel, plenty of places to see. You can see the marvelous architectures of man-made buildings and blissful scenery of nature.

(Visit Seoul - Dongdaemun Design Plaza)
(Seoul,night view,han river,hangang bridge,bridge - free photo from needpix.com)
(6 Best Things to Do along the Han River in Seoul - Trazy Travel Blog)
(강서한강공원)
(월드컵대교 - Google Search:)


Lots of things to do. Lots of things to see. Plenty of eye candy. But none matters. It brings me no joy. I tried to find solace away from my miseries. I tried to find a peaceful place. But worries haunt me. Of my situation of my broken family. I tried to listen to music, but felt no better. And pain scorched me when I stumbled on to these.




They make me want to burst through the darkness and find my freedom. When I cycled through my rented-out bike by the Hangang River in Seoul, the songs I just discovered and the splendid scenery drove me to a fantasy. It was a fantasy that If I pedal for a while, I might find my paradise. A nice harbor that will lead me to Japan or back to US, so I can enjoy hanging with weebs. But in reality, West of Hangang River is blocked by the South Korean military, in order to prevent intrusions from North Korea, a neighboring country. And here's the party pooper. Ironically, anime isn't mainstream in Japan (one YouTuber said Disney is more famous).

Maybe US might be helpful, right?

But I have no money. Like I said earlier, if I go back to the States I'll be heavily taxed, along with high expenses. I can't get a job that covers from it. I have no skills, and although some say US have plenty of opportunities, it seems far away from my grasp. The college expenses might be covered, but even then, I can't pay for my medical fees or living expenses.

The only sliver of hope is Trump to finish his 1st term and leave office. I don't want the 2nd term. After that, a better president should take over to fix the mess. That's the only hope I can have.

But I have to wait for next year to find out. Until then, I only can bike away in sadness, looking at the marvels of Korea and enjoying little of it. Spending these agonizing moments in terror of my family.

Did you know that there are times that I enjoy my day, and only find tears when I return home? For instance, I enjoy the scenery and the music, only to return home and have a crazed neighbor attack my mother.

The police suck in Korea. They do nothing while we're violated. And US cops lock us up for every little mistake I made.

I have to withhold both fears while I go back and forth US and Korea. Fuck this.

Sometimes, I wish I could go to a different country that has a balanced police and not being violated. But different problems arise, and I might not get comfortable with it.

And there are times I want to date a weeb girl. I know. It sounds awful. Somes say weebs are losers. But I've seen them doing amazing talents on the Internet. And their skills soar beyond any run-of-the-mill otakus. They can sing in Japanese with superb accuracy (like the singer shown above), draw anime characters with eloquent beauty, and even domisticate anime production (In US, a company called RoosterTeeth made their own anime- Japan's not the only one). There's so much more.


Artzie Music

I wanna hang out with them. They are so cool.

But these things are nonexistent in Korea. My niece said they are very small in numbers here, but I doubt it.

And yeah, Artzie Music and Lizz Robinett are not related. Their musical genres are totally different. Plus, I don't have any thoughts on dating Lizz. She's already married lol.

But there are times when I don't want to date. I'm scared that they will hurt me in the end. Many philosophers, many people say this shit. Sometimes, I want to fall in love and marry fictional characters. They might not bring me good interactions as human beings, but they can't hurt you...
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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#4
Hi frisas,

At work-short response. Have you tried online dating? I actually met my fiance through a Korean online game called Rumble Fighter lol. I wasnt actively looking for anyone, but we met by chance.
 
calypso

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#5
Do you speak Korean then? I would have thought there might be translation work available for you in the US. But you are doing your degree in Korea, which sounds great. In what subject? I think it sounds as though you are coping incredibly well with your diagnoses and managing to have some sort of life. Hold on and it can only get better. I won't say that Trump won't get in again, but I think more people will come out to vote and so it seems unlikely. He is SO destructive.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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#6
Hi frisas,

At work-short response. Have you tried online dating? I actually met my fiance through a Korean online game called Rumble Fighter lol. I wasnt actively looking for anyone, but we met by chance.
I'll think about dating later. I have to finish my college first.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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#7
Do you speak Korean then? I would have thought there might be translation work available for you in the US. But you are doing your degree in Korea, which sounds great. In what subject? I think it sounds as though you are coping incredibly well with your diagnoses and managing to have some sort of life. Hold on and it can only get better. I won't say that Trump won't get in again, but I think more people will come out to vote and so it seems unlikely. He is SO destructive.
I'm majoring in Coumpter Science.
 
calypso

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#8
That sounds fascinating and VERY useful in the job market. I wish you all the best with that. I hope that the next president will be able to undo a lot that Trump has done wrong so you can go home at some time in the future.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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#9
That sounds fascinating and VERY useful in the job market. I wish you all the best with that. I hope that the next president will be able to undo a lot that Trump has done wrong so you can go home at some time in the future.
Thankfully, my family is getting better. 2019 is barely over, and it was a crazy year. My mother was bipolar like me and had screaming fits for months. A crazy neighbor attacked her and I was blown outta my mind. Thankfully, she is calm.
 
calypso

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#10
I'm diagnosed bipolar too and know how stress of any kind can bring on an attack and devastate your life.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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#11
I'm diagnosed bipolar too and know how stress of any kind can bring on an attack and devastate your life.
Yeah. It did. The bipolar disorder went so messed up that I almost got into trouble in Korea. I can't tell you what I did for privacy purposes, but if I did these actions in US, I could face heavy punishments. And I could've avoided all of this had I attended counselling. But good ones aren't available here. And my father preferred me not go to any therapists in US. He said that they are "weak", and I need to toughen up. Well, tell that shit a person who is suffering from a bipolar disorder. Lots of people online and offline yapped this crap at me to "own up" and I was devastated. When I finally had the courage to seek therapy, I was in Korea. Psychotherapy is poor here, and it sucks. Good ones are very pricey, and I have to spend a fortune to have someone listen to me.
There are lots of times when I wanted to die. Commit suicide. But another part of me didn't want to die, so I went on.
 
calypso

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#12
Can you get good medication to help you out in Korea? Being strong isn't really helpful, the people who tell you that need to be ignored. It usually people who have never known a depression themselves who say these sort of things. It takes a lot of courage to face each day with a mental health condition. We are very brave people who fight our minds daily. I think you need to be proud that you are coping as well as you are.

Thinking about suicide and doing it are two different things. But just because you are thinking of it, is a sign of depression. That's why I asked about medication.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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#13
Can you get good medication to help you out in Korea? Being strong isn't really helpful, the people who tell you that need to be ignored. It usually people who have never known a depression themselves who say these sort of things. It takes a lot of courage to face each day with a mental health condition. We are very brave people who fight our minds daily. I think you need to be proud that you are coping as well as you are.

Thinking about suicide and doing it are two different things. But just because you are thinking of it, is a sign of depression. That's why I asked about medication.
I do take medications. It's a special medication that is not available in United States (or in the UK). It's called Blonanserin, and it deals with bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia. Added with Lithium, I tend to do better with less suicidal thoughts. But I used to had them a month ago due to my mother's delusions. She said there are spies are after her, harassing her and making her miserable. Thankfully, she is properly medicated after many failures (currently taking Risperidone and Depakote), but led me to depression. I got over the depression now.