THE POST IS VERY LONG BUT PLZ READ. IS THIS REALLY ROCD. WHAT DO I DO. SUDDEN URGES TO LEAVE, UNATTRACTIVE BOYFRIEND, NOT ANXIOUS ANYMORE? I'M DOOMED

R

Rocdsufferer

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#1
Hey everyone. On may 1st i started having these thoughts about "what if I don't love him" " what if you fall out of love for him" " what if you find another guy attractive" "what if u fall in love with your bf's brother" " what if u cheat on him" etc etc.




So yesterday I opened up about everything to my bf, every stupid thought and sexual desires upon looking men/women. Told him everything except that to me sometimes he looks ugly and what i thought about his brothers because that's just messed up and absurd.. Can't do that. So he told me that he gets these thoughts too, but the difference between me and him is he doesn't ruminate on them or get anxious about them. He lets them be thoughts and tells himself that what a perfect girl he has. I on the other hand ruminate, overthink, feel like my thoughts are real, get anxiety, and get sudden urges to leave or to just find a solution. He said Thank yourself that I'm crazy in love with you. He said no one would stick with you after what u told me. But i do, because I'm in love with you. PS, we both are super religious.. atleast trying to be and this is my 1st ever long term serious relationship. For my bf this is his 3rd long term serious relationship. He says that he's never felt this way about any girl and that he got what he asked from God and is never letting go. I felt the same way until these rOCD thoughts started to haunt me. Idrk if I have rocd. I'm self diagnosed. Anyway then i was like there's times when I don't feel like talking or loving you and he said yes I have those moments too but i still love u despite. It's normal. Don't worry you're a normal and perfect person i love you. And omg I've never felt such a strong emotional bond with anyone except for my bf. We can talk about everything and our bond gets stronger and stronger. I felt so good and realized that it's normal.. well because i still didn't tell him about the thoughts i had on his looks that's what my mind latched on after we got off the call.



I went on Google and started finding topics on attractive in rocd. Still it couldn't satisfy my anxiety.
I went to sleep and woke up with even more messed up self.
1) when we are on call, my mind will be like " our relationship is weird", or if he expresses his love my mind will be like "ok this is weird" and then Because we both are in ldr we can talk for an hour or two and my mind goes like "ugh he is so clingy, why cant we just not talk and hang up" or when he opens us about his difficulty which he hardly does my mind goes like "ugh why is he talking so much, can't he just be quiet"!!!! This is so stupid i hateee this. I want to spend time and open up. Seee now even while typing that my mind tells me no u don't want to spend time and him to open up.. i was thinking just now that I'll regret if i let him go and my mind tells me otherwise. Or whenever our joking argument turns to real argument actually feel like leaving and I'll be about to leave and he'll say where u think you're going.. you're sticking with me... And I'll feel so pissed off, and tell myself why can't this annoying person just let me go.... I hate this


2) i feel like he's unattractive and i deserve someone attractive. Like some model guy. He's done a trade college and does a lot of hardwork in his job. He's a nice guy who loves God. But then i feel like i deserve some doctor who looks good...my bf has a dark skin and that dark skin wasn't a problem for me a year ago, and NOW his nose and skin colour is his biggest flaw for me (I've been raised in an environment where white skin is worshipped)... It's like my brain constantly tells me that i need to date a fairer and educated guy..... Everytime i look at something that's dark I immediately think about his flaws... I can't look at him without focusing on his flaws and my mind tells me he's ugly he's ugly...........


3) recently Everything i think, everything I feel, my brain questions why am i feeling/thinking that way. Like I'll be in love with him and my brain will go like don't love him. Why r u loving him... Or why do u want this relationship. Why do u want to be with him. Or when I'm in love or happy and talking to him, my mind tells me to not do it. Don't feel happy, don't feel like you're in love, don't talk to him...


4) whenever i randomly look at men, these thoughts come like " are u attracted to him" " what if u are" " do you want to be with him" "he's Better than ur bf". Then i find every flaw in the person that i randomly looked at.. i have to convince myself or tell myself that these men are ugly...


5) it's been a month of me dealing with this.. at this point I don't feel anxious anymore when the thoughts come.... I feel bad/ guilty when I don't feel anxious about them... It confuses me about what i want.. do i wanna be with him or not? I can't let him go... He's been so good to me.. I can't break his heart and faith.. but idk if i should breakup... I question myself should i break up or not. I mean there's no reason for me to break up... I can't do that.. i feel like I'm holding on just for his sake... And I hate this feeling or feeling this way... I wanna stay because i love him. And i love him.. ( see now brain told me that I don't love him but i didn't get any anxiety) i hate this........ I'm scared that I don't love him and that I'm just staying with him to not cause heartache... Is this wrong..
Love is a choice.. i know but still..... I am soo confused.....
Anyway yes how do i stop thinking all that crap plus thinking that he's ugly just because he's dark......
I really don't feel any anxiety rn and I don't hate the way I'm thinking rn.... I'm confused.. i feel like i can manage to be without him but idk if that's true... I seriously don't like the way I'm thinking.... What if my thoughts become real? Omg what if they do...
Is this rOCD or just real... I can't break his heart.. should i just keep on loving him selflessly even tho I'm not in love or just stop..... Please help.i tell myself that you'll regret if u lose such a nice boyfriend and my brain says no all the damn time..i wake.up and this is all i think about...
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#2
One question: if you didnt have those thoughts, would you be happy with him? :hug:

If its just the thoughts about the relationship, then yes it could easily be ocd but you'd need a disagnosis from the doctor before you can get help for it, if the answer is no you'd still be unhappy with him even without the thoughts then he might not be the right one for you :hug:

i hope this helps :hug::hug:
 
R

Rocdsufferer

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#3
One question: if you didnt have those thoughts, would you be happy with him? :hug:

If its just the thoughts about the relationship, then yes it could easily be ocd but you'd need a disagnosis from the doctor before you can get help for it, if the answer is no you'd still be unhappy with him even without the thoughts then he might not be the right one for you :hug:

i hope this helps :hug::hug:
Heyyy! Thank you for replying. And if the thoughts weren't there, I'd definitely be more happy. he is the one for me. That's what i felt until these thoughts came. And he treats me like his number one and makes me happy. These thoughts just took everything away... I really want to tell him all what i posted here, but i don't want to bother him.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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#4
For me the love of a partner is both physical and also personal. The physical is pure animal attraction (for want of a better word). The personal is a lot more complex ;) This guy makes you feel loved, wanted and accepted (what more could anyone ask for). You feel so relaxed with him, you can talk about almost anything (but you also have the sense to keep quiet about other things which wouldn't be constructive in this personal relationship). This relationship is a huge must for your mental health and personal well being and development ;) Does he tick all your boxes? For example do you both share the same interests, does he inspire you and motivate you in developing your strengths? Does being with him make you feel you can achieve anything? How loving and protective do you feel towards him, and if you don't, you need to ask yourself why? You need this guy to over come your mental health issues and to get a better understanding of yourself, and also of him (it's amazing when you know someone that well). Is he really your ideal partner? Well ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how attractive do you find him, and be honest with yourself... and then ask yourself what score would you be more than happy with in not wanting someone else. Taking away your current mental health needs is there anything beyond that ;)
 
R

Rocdsufferer

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#5
For me the love of a partner is both physical and also personal. The physical is pure animal attraction (for want of a better word). The personal is a lot more complex ;) This guy makes you feel loved, wanted and accepted (what more could anyone ask for). You feel so relaxed with him, you can talk about almost anything (but you also have the sense to keep quiet about other things which wouldn't be constructive in this personal relationship). This relationship is a huge must for your mental health and personal well being and development ;) Does he tick all your boxes? For example do you both share the same interests, does he inspire you and motivate you in developing your strengths? Does being with him make you feel you can achieve anything? How loving and protective do you feel towards him, and if you don't, you need to ask yourself why? You need this guy to over come your mental health issues and to get a better understanding of yourself, and also of him (it's amazing when you know someone that well). Is he really your ideal partner? Well ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how attractive do you find him, and be honest with yourself... and then ask yourself what score would you be more than happy with in not wanting someone else. Taking away your current mental health needs is there anything beyond that ;)
omg we are soo alike. So compatible. We think alike, we behave alike. He's sooo perfect.. and yes he ticks all my boxes. See even rn i told him everything I told you and he said I love you and you're my perfect in my eyes... See. Sometimes I do get irritated that why does he loves me.so much that I can't even leave... I feel protected and safe with him.. somethings i just can't tell him like imagining making out with his bro... That's just absurd. And i told him that i think he looks ugly and all he said was I'm not hurt. I'm hurt for you because you're going thru this and I can't be there to help. See how amazing he can get. And it just upsets me that I still get these thoughts. And honestly he's very attractive... Just his skin colour seems like a flaw.. which is bad. On a rate of 1-10 I'd give him an 8 honestly.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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#6
Perhaps you need to quieten your mind a little then ;) A trip to your Doctors might prove useful ;) You sound like you have found a amazing guy there, keep us posted on how things progress :)
 
R

Rocdsufferer

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#7
Perhaps you need to quieten your mind a little then ;) A trip to your Doctors might prove useful ;) You sound like you have found a amazing guy there, keep us posted on how things progress :)
Yes! Sadly due to some reasons i can't go to therapy or doctor. My biggest dear is breaking his heart and falling out of love.. and I guess that tells why i go these thoughts. But this uncertainty and confusion messes up things. My thoughts feel so real as if that's what i want..
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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#8
Sadly you seem to have a over-active mind ;) but honesty and understanding should make all the difference :) so would probably a trip to your Doctors :)
 
A

Ashwin

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#9
Hey everyone. On may 1st i started having these thoughts about "what if I don't love him" " what if you fall out of love for him" " what if you find another guy attractive" "what if u fall in love with your bf's brother" " what if u cheat on him" etc etc.


Dear Rocdsufferer,

We are exactly in the same boat. Your point two is totally matching with me. I am also suffering with the same thoughts. Let me describe you my story. My English is not good but I try to write it clearly.


Six months ago, I met first time with my GF her name is Ishika (she is very intelligent, honest and attractive girl and she is working in top IT company, she has dusky skin).I live in abroad and she lives in India.
I found her on matrimony website and talked with her two months then decided to meet.
I went India and met with her. The first day, I didn't found any problem but next day, when I saw her without make up my mind started these thought that she doesn't look good , I can't be with her, etc, etc. However, I didn't gave much importance to these thoughts, then later she told me her past and I was very much pissed off with that , then I went off from their and came back to my city in India which is 12 hrs far via bus. After few days later, I realized that she is very honest girl at least she told me each and everything about her past. If she want she could hide me those stuff. Then, she came back to my city to meet me then these thoughts were again come up that time I wasn't aware that I am suffering from ROCD. Because my mind was keep on running I decided that I will say her no and go back to abroad.
Since, I don't want to break her heart by saying about her past and look. I said her that my parents doesn't like you , so I can't go a head. Then, I came back to abroad.

After few days later , she rang me and said me that she is planning to travel abroad to celebrate her birthday , so she asked me to meet with her in Paris for a day. I thought she deserve that , so I said her I will come. Later, her planned cancelled because of her frnds, so she range me and said that she will come to my country where I live currently, can i meet with her?. I was in dilemma , so I said Yes and within 20 mins she book the visa application form and paid money. Once she booked the tickets and everything I can't say her no.

I thought myself that I should give her a chance, so she recently came to abroad and she stay here for two weeks . Believe me I was impressed with her caring and love that she showed to me, but behind of this my mind like:
"SHE IS NOT ATTRACTIVE" ,
"I SHOULD FIND ANOTHER GIRL" "
"DO I REALLY LOVE HER"
"WHAT IF I'M NOT HAPPY WITH HER AFTER MARRIAGE"
"SHE DOESN'T LOOK ATTRACTIVE THEN HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WITH HER AND IF I AM NOT HAPPY THEN i WILL BREAK UP WITH HER",
"I should marry with someone who is fair in colour" etc, etc.
"I got these thoughts even when I was dating with fair girl like her nose is big, her eyes are wide, her face is big , etc but that time i wasn't aware it was ROCD".


I was full of above thoughts and was not in situation to give her answer whether I want to marry her not , then I decided to invite my aunt to my house so that she came see her and let me know what should I do. My aunt met with her and second day my aunt take her outside of house n chat with her and their came home and suddenly my aunt said that she is very caring and understandable girl, and I should marry with her. I decided that okay better I get marry with her may be God also want this.Elders never suggest bad decision for us, so, I said to my aunt that I am getting these thoughts , so my aunt told me that yes she is dusky but she is attractive and most important thing I should see that she is very caring, understanble and she stand with me even I have OCD and ROCD she said give less importance to face/fairness because face will fade by time, so i thought whatever my aunt said it's 100 true and decided to get marry with her that time and i told my GF that i will marry . Once I told her after 30 mins later my mind again started the above thoughts continuous 6 hours, that time I break down in front of her and started crying and told her to leave me because I am helpless and I can't marry with her because of my below thoughts.Then,next day I google my symptoms and found that I am suffering with ROCD.


I told her everything that I am getting thoughts like:
"You are ugly"
"You are not atrractive"
"I should find another partner"
"What if i don't happy with you",
"Do i love you "etc, etc.

Next day, I said her that 4 years ago I was suffering from OCD and now with ROCD. She told me that she don't care if I have OCD or ROCD she will stand with me in each and every situation of life. The moment she told me these words I got so emotional I felt fall in love ,then I said first time to her I LOVE YOU. I put my self in her situation and thought If i was in her place do I take this relationship further the answer was NO, who is going to live with a partner who have these type of thoughts and who don't know whether he loves me or not and in future He is going to stay with me or not.


She used to make me breakfast before i go to work , she hold my hand every time , she take care of me as a kid(Basically she is very caring person).


Now, the problem is she went back to India and now my mind still running like anything she want to marry me and my parents are also telling me that don't break someone heart because it's not good. I know she is very good person just her dusky skin without make up keep on bringing these stuff in to my mind.


Sometimes, I think that if i break her heart do I will be happy in life?
Life is so short and in this life If i give smile on someone face that is Good deed.




One thing we should accept that we have mental illness problem , we need a person who can understand us . We scared of future but future is not in our control. What ever is going to happen is going to happen we need to take a risk and get marry . If we leave this person who love us and if we find another person do he/she will understand us(This is big question)?.


I would suggest you to tell each and every thing to your partner and make the things more transparent with your partner. I will start taking medicine in few days and start doing meditation, you do the same. I hope everything will sort out.

Please let me know what do you think I should do? . Initially, this is one side love story now I have feeling on her but more important is I don't like to break her heart because she loves me very much , she came abroad to meet me and she knows that I have ROCD still she want to marry me .

Any suggestion would be appreciated.



















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