The possibility of a break up

Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

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#1
Is there anyway to prepare for someone to leave you?

I don’t know if it will happen
But it could happen

He could leave me. He is always angry with me because of how much I have hurt him... I feel in part that I don’t deserve him.

But I know I can change and I am in therapy I am really giving it my all.

But that might not be enough for him and that is his choice, if he wants to leave.

How should I brace myself? Should I even try?
 
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dewey

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#2
Well I guess it's probably better to be aware that something might be at a point where it might end rather than suddenly having a break up out of the blue.
It's probably not healthy to feel that you don't deserve your partner. Sounds like low self esteem and guilt to me. Can I ask do you also feel that you would struggle to find someone else should this end? Because sometimes people cling on to unhealthy relationships cause they feel they won't be good enough for anyone so this is their one chance, but in reality it's not like that.
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

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#3
Well I guess it's probably better to be aware that something might be at a point where it might end rather than suddenly having a break up out of the blue.
It's probably not healthy to feel that you don't deserve your partner. Sounds like low self esteem and guilt to me. Can I ask do you also feel that you would struggle to find someone else should this end? Because sometimes people cling on to unhealthy relationships cause they feel they won't be good enough for anyone so this is their one chance, but in reality it's not like that.
The thing is, I know I would find someone else pretty quickly I have a terrible way of going about things. I have a fear of being alone.

But on some level I do not trust anyone else, I don’t want to lose the one person who has been there for me through everything, literal sickness and health. I have been incapable of having a healthy relationship in fact this has been my first.

And I know, at the end of the day, it won’t be the end of the world if it ends. I will eventually recover, continue going to therapy, and my ultimate goal would be to love myself and feel like I am enough for myself.

I don’t want to lose him now that I know all the ways I’ve done wrong, thought and acted irrationally—now that I know I needed to seek help. I regret so much. It’s not as if hes perfect, or that he hasn’t hurt me as well. But there is a difference between disagreement and things that are unforgivable.

Often I thought insignificant things were unforgivable and I would be angry about the vaguest comment or look.

I do not want to be harmful to him so I try to reign in that urge to do anything to avoid abandonment
 
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EstherRose94

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#4
I’m like on the verge of being in the same boat. At least I think so. My bf is still so loving and kind but he has admitted to me that I push him away and that my behaviors sometimes stress him out a lot. What I’m trying to sort through right now is: what should my healthy expectations for my partner be? I know I’m difficult. Always have been! Even my parents admit it haha. But they still believe that I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, help me through the rough times, and put in a little extra effort to ensure I’m comfortable and secure. I think I deserve that too! My bf often is great with those things but when he’s “moody” he tends to seek alone time instead. Which drives me BATTY. I try really hard to let him have his alone time, but when it starts to trigger my fears of being left out, it becomes really hard to know what to do. I’m high functioning and I think I could do perfectly well with just a few little changes. I just don’t think that he fully understands what I need. Or, on the flip side, maybe I’m just an entitled spoiled brat. I honestly have no clue.
 
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EstherRose94

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#5
But i think we also both feel that if the relationship ends it’s totally our fault. But it wouldn’t be. I don’t think so anyway. I think that someone who truly loves you (or me) would be able to be patient and work towards helping us heal rather than focusing on themselves and instructing us to do the same so we can heal. At least that’s what my bf often says. He doesn’t think he can really help me at this point. I know he’s burnt out from trying but I think he should be cheering me on with positivity and promising he won’t leave my side. Maybe I’ve seen too many cheesy movies haha. Idk. But he’s more like “try to fix this or else our relationship won’t last”. So I mean OUCH. right?
 
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EstherRose94

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#6
Plus, last thing, but often my fears and worries are completely irrational. And I wish that this would lead my partner to gently help me see the reality of the situation rather than take offense to the way I see things when anxious or even take me seriously in those moments at all. Like you I’ve wound up with tons of guilt but if you take a step back you’ll realize that you don’t deserve to carry that guilt. Like my mom said, we have lots of positive qualities too and those positive qualities should make us more than worth it to our partners. Especially if you want to get married someday like me. Then the happiness of my home and future kids is at stake. I might just need to have REALLY high standards
 
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Girl interupted

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#7
Focus on you right now and getting better and stronger,

If that happens, he will be less mad more often.

If it doesn’t it will be like being sisyphus.

Sometimes you have to put those you love on hold so you can focus on being a better person for them.
 
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EstherRose94

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#8
Idk I don’t really agree. I think that if you love someone you stay by their side and you help them and they help you.
 
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EstherRose94

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#9
That being said girl interrupted is saying what my therapist and parents say. I just 100% don’t want to focus on myself. If my bf decides he doesn’t like my focus on him he can break up with me I guess but I’m not changing the way I feel or the way I love just because he’s too hesitant to jump in with both feet. Can’t do it.
 
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EstherRose94

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#10
Like I’m really really tired of thinking that I just annoy the person I love most. I’m tired of trying to give him space to get closer. It feels like it really shouldn’t be this hard. And I also feel like another person might ADORE all of the attention I give to my bf and might reciprocate it in kind.
 
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harsh-reality

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#11
Is this your first long term relationship. I was with my first girlfriend for three years and only had one friend outside of the relationship and I felt if my girlfriend left me I would not be able to cope with life all on my own.

I also did have great support and love from my parents but I did spiral into a very deep depression after our relationship became beyond what was right but I wanted her to stay around even though I knew there were a great many issues that were not right for a great and kind loving relationship.

My anxieities at that time were demeaned by her and it did take me some time to get back on my feet. Ever since I have slowly developed a lot of really great friendships with a variety of men and women and no relationship but I am much happier and content and all of my friends give me support and kindness - obviously in a different way to a partner but I do enjoy having several people I can chat to if things turn difficult.

I knew our relationship was not perfect but I hope your boyfriend is not trying to change you into the person he wants - my ex tried to change me into a high earning individual and this was never going to be my path in life but she seemed to have earmarked me and was constantly trying to change me into the partner she ideally wanted.

My break up was incredibly painful and at the time I really felt if it went wrong what options would I have in life - ie I never imagined myself a good enough catch for anyone else to be bothered with.

I did also pick up one comment by you which rang true with me too - where you mentioned tongue in cheek but also seriously that your parents said you could be difficult - I think I experienced similar - but in reality they wanted me to be happy - am sure like my parents they not undermining you by jesting about you being trouble but yes all these kinds of thinking - can impact also.

I am sure you are good enough and the right person it will work.

I obviously cannot predict your future - it sounds like long term you probably believe this is going to end but it sounds currently like you both will still be hoping it works out.

Break ups are a really tough thing to cope with and heartbreak is truly difficult emotionally but I hope if it does or it doesn't you do try to get friends around - as it is difficult to have allthe eggs in one basket ie just the relationship - I enjoy friendships with quite a few women now - not sure if I was in a relationship I would have this - so there are benefits to being single as there are being with someone but when I look back I say to myself everything happens for a reason even if at the time I was not aware of this thinking...

However life pans out I do hope you can get to a much happier and more content framework no matter what is going on in your personal and romantic relationships.
 
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Girl interupted

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#12
Like I’m really really tired of thinking that I just annoy the person I love most. I’m tired of trying to give him space to get closer. It feels like it really shouldn’t be this hard. And I also feel like another person might ADORE all of the attention I give to my bf and might reciprocate it in kind.
If you take a common lightbulb and shine it on one object for a long period of time, the object will start to combust.

Likewise, as wonderful as is your passion for life, putting all your attention on one person is often too overwhelming. If your life focuses on one person, they will crack because nobody’s perfect and too much attention can be perceived as too much responsibility for your happiness, and more importantly, your wellbeing. Your well-being is your responsibility. To place that solely on another is not fair. To you or him.

The truth is that it’s very hard to focus on yourself. Particularly for bpd. It means you have to examine some painful things. But you know what? Doing that releases you and helps your relationships with others.
 
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EstherRose94

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#13
Thanks harsh-reality you sound very wise. I mean logically I know I should focus on me but it’s not because I think that that is how love should be. I think I basically have no choice because he’s picked to focus on himself.
 
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EstherRose94

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#14
Okay this is where I don’t understand though because relationships are supposed to be trusting and loyal and a base for support. But I’m also supposed to not rely on him? I don’t really have many other close friends. I don’t know why I would make myself deal with shit alone and suffer and be sad and lonely just because my bf is too overwhelmed to give me consistent support. That’s ridiculous.
 
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Girl interupted

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#15
It’s avoidance a bit of selfishness to not consider how your actions are impacting others.

I’m not saying this to be unkind, but it’s not love if you don’t put the other person’s feelings first.

In this case it means working on making you better so that he doesn’t have to feel like the sole reason for you being happy or hurting.
 
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EstherRose94

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#16
For example I hate to study alone. It makes me go nuts. My bf needs to study alone. Likewise I’d like to live together. He doesn’t. Not all of this dissonance is my fault though. It’s like annoying to me that the answer is almost always “learn to let him keep his distance”. Why? Why can’t I have a relationship with someone who wants to be with me more? 😂 I’m gonna lose my marbles
 
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EstherRose94

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#17
Uhhh. Sorry. I’m being annoying because I know you’re all right.

But how the heck do I do it??
 
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EstherRose94

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#18
Also would it be possible to find someone like me who would want what I want or will that never happen?
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

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#19
I appreciate everyone who has responded, it has helped me feel a bit less panicky and uncomfortable with the situation--if only for just right now.

EstherRose94, I can relate to you on a deep level, and I also wonder if someone out there would ever be willing to be with me in that patient kind way.

But i have to acknowledge if only to myself that my partner is patient and kind and he is also human, and whether or not he has told me i know i have put so much pressure on him as the ruler of my emotions. I have been unfair to him and i need to find the balance of how far i can depend on him without it being crushing. And I have to think about the way he relies on me and needs me as well in some cases, for support and an ear that will listen. And he has comforted me through horrible times in my life.. encouraged me , love me .it hurts that I could lose him I am in shambles at the possibilityb but

I want him to be happy whatever that ends up meaning for him :sorry::grouphug:
 
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EstherRose94

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#20
aw I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you better advice but it sounds like you’re great to him too. You obviously love him very much. That what I was saying earlier like he should appreciate you for who you are just like you do with him.