The physical pain is manageable - the emotional isn't

F

Flosspot

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#1
I lost my mum to cancer recently. She was very young as she had me as a teenager. She was my best friend my big sister. She was everything to me. I now have young siblings the youngest is 10 and I spend a huge amount of time helping to look after them.
The emotional pain is getting far too much for me to hold in and process. I recently started to SH.
It feels easier to deal with. But the pain stops so...
I don't want to do it but I don't want to not. I feel the pain even around people and family when I'm trying so hard to be ok around them I feel the sting and it gets me through.
But I don't want people to know or see. I feel so trapped in so many ways.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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#2
Hi Flosspot,

Welcome to the forum xx :welcome:
Im so sorry for you loss. i can understand why you started sh. i also understand about the way it takes the pain away (people who dont sh may not understand!).
Have you anyone else around you that can help with your siblings?
please keep talking, it does help
Hugs to you
Fox
 
calypso

calypso

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#3
Hiya Flosspot and welcome, we are pleased to have you here. Grief is a physical think and SH is trying to forestall it. I think you might find help with CRUSE, who are the greif counselling charity. I used them after the death of my husband and it felt like a weight taken off my brain and body. They are bloody brilliant. And free. Do contact them.
 
F

Flosspot

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#4
Hi Fox and Calypso
Thanks for the welcomes. So new to all of this.
It's almost beginning to feel like the pain is brining a new numbness to things. The pain itself is like its masking the pain and the desire to SH is like its coming to the forefront of managing the thoughts of my mums death. It's when I wake and when I go to sleep I want to feel the sting like a boundary around my day.' But I feel so ashamed embarrassed hidden from the world.
But sometimes it doesn't hurt enough and I'm scared where it will go next. I fell of a chair today total accident and was glad for the pain and the cut and that people saw. It justified a pain a bruise a cut
 

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