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The Past

T

trs319

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
North Carolina
Hello everyone, hope things are getting better. I've been real down lately obsessing over a broken relationship I had a long time ago but can't seem to get over. It was one of those relationships that just didn't work out despite my hopeful expectations. There was the promise of love but everything went horribly wrong. A few years ago I lashed out at her in a nasty and vicious email that I still feel guilt over. The ramifications of it were horrible.

Maybe it's pathetic that I can't let go, but I just ruminate over it and regret my actions. Anybody got any suggestions for letting go of the past? Of getting rid of guilt?
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,687
Location
US
Hello everyone, hope things are getting better. I've been real down lately obsessing over a broken relationship I had a long time ago but can't seem to get over. It was one of those relationships that just didn't work out despite my hopeful expectations. There was the promise of love but everything went horribly wrong. A few years ago I lashed out at her in a nasty and vicious email that I still feel guilt over. The ramifications of it were horrible.

Maybe it's pathetic that I can't let go, but I just ruminate over it and regret my actions. Anybody got any suggestions for letting go of the past? Of getting rid of guilt?
Hey, @trs319, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're going through the pain of a relationship that didn't work out, that ended badly. I lost my best friend over an email where I lashed out, and I know how much I kick myself for that and cannot turn it around. Also have murdered my fair share of relationships w men.

I guess as far as the guilt goes, the most effective thing I've done (and I'm still struggling over it, so I don't have any great answer) is apologise directly to the person and I try to tell myself when I get really down on myself over it that I learned a hard lesson from it and won't repeat that mistake again. That's all we can do, as we can't take back what we've said or done. All we can do is try to become a better person for it, and let the other person know that we sincerely regret our words if you can. I still lose sleep over it from time to time, it doesn't just go away, but as long as I know I'm not going to do it again, it can help.

Glad you found the forum and I hope you find it helpful. xx
 
T

treasurebox

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
522
Location
Philippines
Accept that it was a mistake because you are not perfect. Forgive yourself. If you can apologize, then apologize to her even through email. If she forgives you, good but if she does not yet forgive you then do not feel so bad. Move on. Think positive and do other good things.
 
N

Newuser6655

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 11, 2021
Messages
68
Location
Uk
All my ex gfs probably hate me now as after we split up I've messaged them out of the blue when drunk or high. I wish I was able to control myself as I would have loved to stay in contact with them but I've messed it all up with them all.

Do you want to get back with your ex or have you moved on? I guess all you can do is reach out and apologise but sometimes it's best to just leave things in the past as she might not welcome a message if she's in a different place now
 
J

justabloke

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 3, 2021
Messages
81
Location
UK
One way of thinking about things that has helped sometimes is to think about the amount of total time when I have behaved in a way that doesn't cause me regret vs the total time that I have behaved in a way that does. Despite all the mistakes I have made in life I have done more positive things in total than negative.

As an aside, it is unfortunate that people judge each other on the worst things they have done but that is down to the media and other institutions in society. Tough to break out of.
 
T

trs319

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
North Carolina
I did try to apologize to her through a third party, but I don't know if she actually got the
message. I don't want to try to contact her again because I don't want her to think I'm
stalking her or anything.

It was all just a big disappointment, but I guess that's part of life. treasurebox- you're right, I
need to forgive myself and move on. I need to find someone new, but sometimes I feel like
that is never going to happen. All this happened so long ago, it's pointless to still worry about it.

But that's not all. All this happened in my mid 20's, when people are playing the field and looking for partners. When my ex rejected me, I got the feeling I would miss out on that part of life because I am a manic depressive alcoholic who wreaked havoc on his own life. And to a large degree, I did miss out on that part of life, and now I worry I will never find love again. Anybody else ever feel like that?
 
J

justabloke

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 3, 2021
Messages
81
Location
UK
I did try to apologize to her through a third party, but I don't know if she actually got the
message. I don't want to try to contact her again because I don't want her to think I'm
stalking her or anything.

It was all just a big disappointment, but I guess that's part of life. treasurebox- you're right, I
need to forgive myself and move on. I need to find someone new, but sometimes I feel like
that is never going to happen. All this happened so long ago, it's pointless to still worry about it.

But that's not all. All this happened in my mid 20's, when people are playing the field and looking for partners. When my ex rejected me, I got the feeling I would miss out on that part of life because I am a manic depressive alcoholic who wreaked havoc on his own life. And to a large degree, I did miss out on that part of life, and now I worry I will never find love again. Anybody else ever feel like that?
I'd suggest not trying to contact her again. It could be misconstrued and then you may be in a pickle trying to explain things.

I'm in a different position because I don't want a partner, lots of friends and the like. I prefer being alone. I do sympathise though, my father had issues with alcohol and it made some things a lot more difficult for him. Hopefully you'll meet someone and can move on.
 
T

trs319

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
North Carolina
Oh I won't be contacting her again; I've gotten that much right. Some people are just best left in the past, I'm sure of that now. It's the tomorrows that count. I'll find a way.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,669
Location
USA
Hello everyone, hope things are getting better. I've been real down lately obsessing over a broken relationship I had a long time ago but can't seem to get over. It was one of those relationships that just didn't work out despite my hopeful expectations. There was the promise of love but everything went horribly wrong. A few years ago I lashed out at her in a nasty and vicious email that I still feel guilt over. The ramifications of it were horrible.

Maybe it's pathetic that I can't let go, but I just ruminate over it and regret my actions. Anybody got any suggestions for letting go of the past? Of getting rid of guilt?
No suggestions, other than the reality that ruminating over it obsessively does nothing to make you feel any better. You can keep on beating yourself up for things you did or just chalk it up to life. We all make mistakes, it's part of the learning experience.

I'm an old guy, so you can take my input for what it's worth. But, when you get to be my age it isn't things you did wrong that bother you most, it's things you didn't do but wish you had. Opportunities not taken advantage of and missed chances. I can deal with the mistakes I made during my life, what bothers me the most are the missed opportunities that I didn't grab at when they presented themselves.

You sound like you're still young enough to have more opportunities at romance, when they come don't hesitate to take a chance. Don't end up old and having lots of regrets.
 
T

trs319

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
North Carolina
I know what you mean, Alexander. Most of my regrets are of things I didn't do. I won't let the
next one get away.
 
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