The Pain of Infidelity & the Depression it Causes



Oct 26, 2018
Six weeks ago I decided to call my ex, or my girlfriend at the time, and, when she responded, I heard her whimpering and grunting in a very slow way; I knew what was happening. What happened subsequently, I don't remember exactly.. although I do remember falling on the floor and crying to the extent of tears covering my face. I almost decided to do what I thought was right to me at the time, which was to harm myself. I just sat there and decided not to, mostly because I didn't have the strength to do it. I didn't break up with her, actually, although she did after I grieved about what I perceived to happen.
These six weeks have been weeks of incessant agony and pain that's pervasive throughout my entire being. The pain manifests physically and I feel this unbearable tension in my chest that makes me feel as if it's going to explode. After receiving a more than sufficient amount of sleep, my eyes cause my vision to be blurry and my head is very uncomfortably dizzy.
The reason as to why the pain is to such an extent isn't because of the emotional and verbal abuse that I endured, it isn't because of the lying, and it isn't because of the cheating; these factors exacerbate the issue greatly but nonetheless they are dependent upon one thing: unconditional love. Even just subsequently after hearing what I heard, I still felt a feeling of unconditional love towards her because I can't help it.
I couldn't possibly love someone more and I still do if truth be told, because of the experiences that we shared together and the nights in which we held each-other closely and whispered into each-other's ears how much we loved each-other. She told me that she wanted to start a family with me and grow old with me and I wanted nothing more than that. The pain would be less if everyone else I knew left me because, even though I care about and love many of them greatly, it wasn't close to the extent to which I loved my ex.
I described my love for her so that there may be understanding of why I feel this way. I've been considering taking antidepressants just so that I can lessen the pain that's unbearable and feel less miserable. I didn't know that I could feel this horrible in my entire life. I still hear what I heard on that fateful night and it's still with me and it torments me and the memory won't go away. I don't understand why such a thing would happen to me. I don't know how she deserves to be happy because of screwing with some other man and I deserve misery for being faithful, and loving, and understanding.
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