The pain of being love starved

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Featherless

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It is my understanding that a lot of the anguish folks with psychological issues are forced to endure often comes from the place in their heart that their parents failed to continually fill with the unconditional love every child deserves and needs, so it remains a gnawing (black?) hole.

This wounding hole is understandably a tremendous source of agony.

Last night it broke me down in sobs. I found myself crying uncontrollably on the floor as this wound was reopened by a bad experience with a parent figure. As the waves of pain were overwhelming me, I found myself begging certain people to hold, comfort, love me like they would their child. I was all alone in the room; my cries were directed at those who couldn't hear. Those who will never see the one I felt the tears streaming down belong to... That little neglected, abused girl.

The pain of being an adult with a hurting, isolated child within. The pain of being love starved. How many of you can relate?

Those of you who do: I feel for you. You are not alone.

What are the ways it arises in you, and when? Are there triggers around it?
How do you deal with it? How do you heal from it?

Much love,
Featherless
 
calypso

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I found having the love of an exceptional man helped me to heal and I healed his wounds. We were lucky enough to find each other and it was his mother and my father that were the problem. When he died of alcoholism I was heart broken, but at least \I had years with him to heal. I was lucky. But also I didn't hold back from trying to find someone new in my life and didn't let the pain rule my attempts at a new relationship (and so I found him).

That said, no two pains are the same and what was true for me wouldn't be for someone else, so no judgement here if someone can't risk a new relationship to try to find that someone special.

I also had a lot of therapy.
 
Flameheart

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I have a lot of pent up anger, a lot of people sense it, even when I'm happy or content it's still there
not feeling loved or feeling so alone for long periods of time I think can mentally torture anyone
 
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rigglandhudd

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I feel love starved in relationship sense but not in family sense
 
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Nought

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It's a basic human need to be loved. Mental illness isolation and loneliness, a need for love often results in unhealthy attachment.
 
megirl

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The role of our parents is to nurture love, and to protect us. Sadly this often doesn't happen. My mother knew right from wrong. She never verbally or physically lashed out at my brothers.
I have nothing at all to do with my family anymore. Through all the guilt and doing and giving to my mother and I never got any love in return it took a personal crisis for me to understand that it is all about her
 
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dewey

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Does anyone here feel a fairly frequent strong physical pain, that seems to be near their heart, but it is somehow an emotional pain? I guess the feeling of lack of love?
 
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Lorcos

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I can relate. I often look around at other couples and am so envious of their relationships. I have been alone for seven years and miss being loved so much I physically ache
 
SoftRain

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When I hold my grand daughter I sometimes wish we could switch places for a little bit.
 
AliceinWonderland

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The pain of being love starved. How many of you can relate?
Oh definitely.
What are the ways it arises in you, and when? Are there triggers around it?
I guess I think there are different aspects of being love starved. Being starved of attention, affection/nurturing/warmth, validation, being valued, and so on. So depending on what's happening/how I'm being treated, it arises in different ways. I feel affected by being ignored/dismissed and not heard, or by my feelings or opinions being invalidated. I feel affected by not feeling appreciated, by my efforts and my care being taken for granted. I feel affected when there is no warmth anywhere from anyone, and the world feels a cold, cruel and uncaring place. What is this effect like? Well, feeling unheard, dismissed, invalidated or not understood, especially by someone I'd have expected to care about what I feel (those closest to me) makes me feel like I'm disappearing, like I don't exist or deserve to exist, it feels like a primal wound. It's an emotional flashback to my childhood when I was ignored, belittled, undermined and told I was wrong about everything on a regular basis, even about what my own feelings were. When I'm being told my feelings are wrong now (only by people who matter to me, not so much by people who are peripheral in my life) and I just don't feel heard, it challenges my very sense of self. I find it hard to hold onto my identity, and it feels extremely distressing, I feel like I'm fighting for my existence, and I can be very full of rage. And my response sometimes is to attack myself in frustration and despair, physically (self harm) or emotionally (emotional self harm). These are the worst occasions, and only happen rarely. Other times, I just feel low and depressed when someone invalidates or dismisses me. Or sometimes just pissed off.

When there is no emotional warmth anywhere from anyone, I feel like the whole world has become literally colder, and greyer. It feels like the wind is whistling around me and chilling me to the bone. Utter bleakness.

Oh yeah, and then there's feeling abandoned. A whole other source of painful feelings.

I found myself crying uncontrollably on the floor as this wound was reopened by a bad experience with a parent figure.
I'm sorry. Yeah, bad experiences with parent figures are often triggers. It's worse when it's a male-female combo. But an unkind/thoughtless word from either a mother or father figure can really cut me to the quick, and shake my foundations. Or being ignored by them. I can't bear feeling my words are spoken into the void, and people who should be listening just don't care and cba to respond. They don't care enough, and I don't matter.

How do you deal with it? How do you heal from it?
Walking away when I'm triggered. Cutting out toxic people from my life (primarily one of my parents, and I've limited contact with the other). Therapy, a whole load of therapy. Learning that I'm 'ok', I'm valid, my feelings are acceptable. Learning to beleive in myself. Self compassion, accepting and understanding why things distress me. Allowing that it's understandable. Limiting my exposure to people I find don't really have the time/inclination to listen properly, and only want to talk about themselves, and only want things from me, and don't give anything in return. Being kind to myself, nurturing myself, trying to give myself the things I was starved of in childhood. And finding other people who are able to give those things too, kindness, attentiveness, understanding, validation. Finding people who've had similar experiences and get where I'm coming from, so I don't feel so alone in it all. Avoiding isolating myself.

Even though I've healed a lot, and I'm triggered a lot less than I used to be (my skin has got a lot thicker really), I still ask myself 'how do you heal from all this?', and sometimes feel discouraged that the damage will always be there. I don't know if it's possible to heal down to the very deepest level, to heal to the extent it's as if the damage never happened in the first place. Sometimes I feel the damage went so deep there will always be rawness and pain underneath everything. It's only at my bleakest and when I'm struggling the most that I feel this negative about it all though. Mostly I think there can be enough healing. And for the damaged parts that remain, you can find yourself sufficient armour to put on, to prevent getting hurt again.

I hope you find healing and ways to deal with the hurt :peace:
 
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Featherless

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Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts. AliceinWonderland, you explain it well and I can relate quite a bit. I'm glad you and others on here have found a degree of healing and comfort. :) And I have faith in all of us here to find even deeper healing as we keep going.
 

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