• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

The Pain I feel every Day I wake up

L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
Hello all together,
first of all, please don't judge me for making mistake in my spelling or grammar since I am not a native English speaker.

The last like 3 Weeks I felt, how my Depressions are getting worse and worse. I lost the only 2 friends I had because of video games and me not saying, that something is wrong.
I often cant fall sleep before like 5 AM and i have to get up at 6:30 AM to get ready for work. And the story continues there. My Boss yells at me all the time, saying all the things I do are shit even tho I am still learning. I only get to do the Jobs everyone "is too important for" and have to do them for like 4/5 Days a Week. This was leading to a mental breakdown 2 weeks ago I had. Now I am on Vacations until tomorrow and I am super scared to have to go to work again tomorrow.

But that´s not it.

I am (while I am not at work) basically only sitting in front of my Computer, without any social interactions, hobbies or friends. And now, even my Dad started to confront me with the aspect of me not having any friends or hobbies, permanent gaining weight and the missing social interaction. To quote him:
"Son I would never have thought your such a no one. You have no friends, you have no hobbies, you have no social interactions and staying in your room and in front of your computer for like at least 12+ hours a day. And your also just sitting there and eating, look at your body how fat you are."
And now I am really lost. I have no persons I can talk to, I have no hobbies I can come after, I have no talent I could chase. I am basically irrelevant and a hopeless human being.
Additionally there is my sexual orientation ... I see my self as asexually and I am really scared to tell my parents this, since my older sister is the exact opposite of me and i don't want to be compared to her.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle this situation. I am mentally and physically at the end. I even thought about drawing a final line.
 
Louizard

Louizard

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 29, 2020
Messages
86
Location
Italy
The hopeful thing is, we know that there is a reason for how you feel, it's all fixable step by step.
Try to start working on one thing, I suggest your sleeping schedule since our biological clocks are what make us work (Stephen Ilardi's book on how to treat depression gives miracle advice, and it's nice to read too). Then maybe you want to start working on your diet, how we eat really defines how you feel.
Fixing these little things, even just trying, I think it's a huuuge step forward.
You say you have no talent you can chase, and I think this is a wonderful occasion to look for one: for now your hobby can be finding a new hobby, or developing a new talent (I myself am an artist and I have met many others, and I can guarantee you real talent comes from lots of training and passion, which you can find). Maybe writing, drawing, playing instruments, coding, collecting objects, taking pictures, studying animals or history, new subjects, and so on. Try everything you wish to try, even if you think you're not good at it you might find out it's what you love.
These are all suggestions, and maybe I'm going a little too fast. But what's important is that you start off with little little steps, doing what you think you can enjoy, slowly.
About your relationships, after you'll work on yourself a little, those won't look like a far away dream anymore. Do not worry about your sexuality, as long as you're comfortable with what you are remember you don't have to share it with your family or friends, it's your life and sexuality is a personal part of it.
It is hard at first but you are not at the end, you're at the beginning
 
L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
The hopeful thing is, we know that there is a reason for how you feel, it's all fixable step by step.
Try to start working on one thing, I suggest your sleeping schedule since our biological clocks are what make us work (Stephen Ilardi's book on how to treat depression gives miracle advice, and it's nice to read too). Then maybe you want to start working on your diet, how we eat really defines how you feel.
Fixing these little things, even just trying, I think it's a huuuge step forward.
You say you have no talent you can chase, and I think this is a wonderful occasion to look for one: for now your hobby can be finding a new hobby, or developing a new talent (I myself am an artist and I have met many others, and I can guarantee you real talent comes from lots of training and passion, which you can find). Maybe writing, drawing, playing instruments, coding, collecting objects, taking pictures, studying animals or history, new subjects, and so on. Try everything you wish to try, even if you think you're not good at it you might find out it's what you love.
These are all suggestions, and maybe I'm going a little too fast. But what's important is that you start off with little little steps, doing what you think you can enjoy, slowly.
About your relationships, after you'll work on yourself a little, those won't look like a far away dream anymore. Do not worry about your sexuality, as long as you're comfortable with what you are remember you don't have to share it with your family or friends, it's your life and sexuality is a personal part of it.
It is hard at first but you are not at the end, you're at the beginning
One of the biggest problem I have is, that I have tried everything. But nothing succeeded so far, that what's fucking me up the most.
 
W

Wanttofeelpeace5

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
745
Location
New zealand
One of the biggest problem I have is, that I have tried everything. But nothing succeeded so far, that what's fucking me up the most.
Hi . Things will get better . You can speak 2 languages which is a great skill in itself.. i don't know anyone close to me that can do that .. there will be many talents in you that you don't even notice. And the fact you try many things is also a great talent that I wish I had ...yes I agree your at the beginning and although there are hills along the way .. believe that you can built your own mountain that is unique to you
 
L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
Hi . Things will get better . You can speak 2 languages which is a great skill in itself.. i don't know anyone close to me that can do that .. there will be many talents in you that you don't even notice. And the fact you try many things is also a great talent that I wish I had ...yes I agree your at the beginning and although there are hills along the way .. believe that you can built your own mountain that is unique to you
I don't think that that's a good thing. I only tried so many things because of my friend. But he isn't here anymore so I don't have any reason to continue trying. It's senseless to continue trying and continue failing.
 
I

indigo6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
2,525
Location
UK
Hi LTTM welcome Im very glad you have found this community. Everyone has things they want to share or have shared. By being here you are not alone at all. You are automatically understood.
Struck me how harsh your father is. If you spoke to yourself like that a psychologist would say you were hurting yourself, making things worse. To come from a parent is acid. Its much worse and exacerbates your thoughts. Dont hate him he knows no better. He isnt a GP.
Then youve got the boss whos a kind of a parent away from home. Great, double crap dose.
Do you see where alot of your pain is coming from these external opinions, hammering home your own thoughts on yourself.
Stay here, talk to us, we got your back x
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,110
Location
Nashua NH
I do agree that these outside influences and judgements are affecting your sense of self negatively. So what if you are not great at your job? That’s nothing criminal. So what if you like playing video games and don’t have friends. So what if you have a weight problem? This is YOUR LIFE to do as you wish with. If you would like to change in any area you can or you can keep things as they are. Those choices are up to YOU not to THEM. Try to be comfortable with who you are and where your life is at. You can get a new job if you need to. You can make changes to your life if you want to or stay right where you are. But you have done nothing wrong so don’t feel bad about it. If you feel uncomfortable telling your parents that you are asexual then just don’t tell them. You may be able to get a doctors note for an approved medical leave from work but that might just be in the US. Take the pressure others have put on you and just let it bounce off of you. It is YOUR LIFE. Your life is created by YOUR CHOICES. You have done nothing wrong and should have nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing wrong with you. Whether or not you’d like to change you are perfectly fine just the way you are. ❤💕👍
 
L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
I do agree that these outside influences and judgements are affecting your sense of self negatively. So what if you are not great at your job? That’s nothing criminal. So what if you like playing video games and don’t have friends. So what if you have a weight problem? This is YOUR LIFE to do as you wish with. If you would like to change in any area you can or you can keep things as they are. Those choices are up to YOU not to THEM. Try to be comfortable with who you are and where your life is at. You can get a new job if you need to. You can make changes to your life if you want to or stay right where you are. But you have done nothing wrong so don’t feel bad about it. If you feel uncomfortable telling your parents that you are asexual then just don’t tell them. You may be able to get a doctors note for an approved medical leave from work but that might just be in the US. Take the pressure others have put on you and just let it bounce off of you. It is YOUR LIFE. Your life is created by YOUR CHOICES. You have done nothing wrong and should have nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing wrong with you. Whether or not you’d like to change you are perfectly fine just the way you are. ❤💕👍
Hey man,
I really appreciate your kind words. But I am a person, that really really hates changings so I'm not 100% sure if I can do them. And also I need this job, because without the job I won't be able to pay my parents the rent and they will kick me out. I know, that it's my life and not the ones of others but I just feel terrible for everything I do and every step I make. I really just have no clue what to do. I can't get new friends cause of my very heavy social phobia, I can't do sports cause of my weight and lungs, I have no talent so nothing would recognize me for anything. I have tried nearly everything back, when my best friend where at my site...
 
L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
Hi LTTM welcome Im very glad you have found this community. Everyone has things they want to share or have shared. By being here you are not alone at all. You are automatically understood.
Struck me how harsh your father is. If you spoke to yourself like that a psychologist would say you were hurting yourself, making things worse. To come from a parent is acid. Its much worse and exacerbates your thoughts. Dont hate him he knows no better. He isnt a GP.
Then youve got the boss whos a kind of a parent away from home. Great, double crap dose.
Do you see where alot of your pain is coming from these external opinions, hammering home your own thoughts on yourself.
Stay here, talk to us, we got your back x
Hey there,
I also wanted to say thank you for your words. I also hope that talking here anonymously will help me understand what my problem is. Well maybe I even find a new friend I don't really know
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,110
Location
Nashua NH
Hey man,
I really appreciate your kind words. But I am a person, that really really hates changings so I'm not 100% sure if I can do them. And also I need this job, because without the job I won't be able to pay my parents the rent and they will kick me out. I know, that it's my life and not the ones of others but I just feel terrible for everything I do and every step I make. I really just have no clue what to do. I can't get new friends cause of my very heavy social phobia, I can't do sports cause of my weight and lungs, I have no talent so nothing would recognize me for anything. I have tried nearly everything back, when my best friend where at my site...
It sounds like you are not okay with who you are right now. All I’m saying is that if you want to you can choose to be okay with it. Maybe you can look for a new job while you work at this one. If you try to be more confident in who you currently are and how your life is at the moment without feeling a need to apologize for it you might be able to carry on without the criticism of others affecting you so much or getting you down. :hug:
 
L

LostToTheMusic

Member
Joined
May 6, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Germany
It sounds like you are not okay with who you are right now. All I’m saying is that if you want to you can choose to be okay with it. Maybe you can look for a new job while you work at this one. If you try to be more confident in who you currently are and how your life is at the moment without feeling a need to apologize for it you might be able to carry on without the criticism of others affecting you so much or getting you down. :hug:
To be completely honest, I don't think that will work. I can't change my job, Im sure I wouldn't find one. And yes I am not okay with who I am, but who am I? I don't even know. I just wanna have a normal life, one without Andy depression, phobias and criticism towards me. Is that too much to ask for?
 
Top